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To be involved, or not to be involved...?





ehecatl
My friend Tony and I decided that when we first started hanging out, nothing would happen between us. We would remain just as friends to keep things uncomplicated. Well, now we're kinda falling for eachother, which we both knew would happen, but tried to stop in the first place. It's really not such a bad thing, because he's a really good guy and I'm glad things are happening, I want them to... But here's where complications arise: He has two kids, one five, one 18 months, and I absolutely adore them. He's a good father and I have nothing wrong with dating a guy with two kids. I love kids. It's just that he's 24, which I also don't have a problem with. What I do have a problem with though, is that I am only 18. That means there's 6 years between us, which wouldn't matter so much if we were ten years older, but should it matter so much and bug me so much that there are six years between us now? And the fact that I would be in his children's lives doesn't bug me, but would making a commitment to his children as well at only 18 be a good idea? I realize I have my whole life ahead of me yet, and the little voice in the back of my head tells me two kids and six years isn't something to get tangled up with, but my heart and head say otherwise. So, reading other topics, I notice people saying don't pass up a chance at love, and listen to your heart, but is that really a good idea in this situation? Should I be listening to my heart and trust that things will work out, or should I listen to the annoying little voice in the back of my head and remain 'uninvolved'?

And furthermore... Is it okay to be asking these questions of a bunch of people I don't know?
RhysAndrews
Well, what's stopping you from dating him? You don't have to be too involved in his childrens lives as yet, you can just be with him when his children aren't, or if they're there, don't go too far in terms of touchy-feely.

As for sex and anything further, I'd leave it till you're at least 21. Marriage? 21 or Older, and make absolute sure he's the one you want to be with.

-Rhys
UlrikeSE
Dating is the sparing ground for sizing up a "mate". Go out and date him.

The children are only a concern if you wish to bring the relationship past dating, which is a choice you shouldn't make at this moment. Learn more about him, size him up as girlfriend not a friend, and do your research. What do I mean by research? Watch his friends, relatives, and espeacially ex-girlfriends. How does/did he treat them? It sounds silly, but you can't imagine how many pot holes you can avoid by looking down his preverbial street.

Until your into the serious portion of your relationship, their shouldn't be any baggage that can't be dropped. A good traveler travels with less, and can drop anything that burdens him.

Finally, always make sure your head AND you heart are in on any plan you make. Let your heart do the silly flips of joy it does best, and let your head plan for any obstacle. Relying on one soley, is a disaster. Any decisions or conclusions you come to, sleep over it. Hindsight is always 20/20, and you never want to miss that prospective.

RhysAndrews wrote:

As for sex and anything further, I'd leave it till you're at least 21.


Be realistic my friend, the man she plans to date has two children. I don't forsee a stable relationship if she held that stance.
adhoc
Well, what concerns me is that you're still young - you have your life ahead of you, but he's 24 (not that that's old, but ->>) and has two kids. Maybe he'll be looking for something serious - he's already planning to bring it past dating, while you perhaps still shouldn't be getting involved in any settling down quite yet.
ehecatl
I appreciate all your replies and advice. Thank you Very Happy I'm glad to hear that I don't necessarily have to be involved with his children yet, and I realize I still have my whole life ahead of me and that I'm young, but I don't want to pass up a chance at dating a great guy. Though we were discussing our age difference the other night... He just laughed it off, so I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but he still acts like we're 'together' so I think maybe it was good... Thank you again for your advice and opinions and feel free to keep commenting ^_^ I appreciate it.

<3 Cat
cavey
Good luck on your new relationship. Yes, you are young. But why fight a good thing? This guy might be the one. You should give yourself the chance to find out if this is it. If it isn't - at least you'll know. And it's not to late for him to find someone new either, even though he's 24 and have kids.

As long as you both are nice persons, the children have a stable, safe and happy life, and you both know what the other one wants for the future of this relationship, I cant see why you should not date him.
ehecatl
cavey wrote:
Good luck on your new relationship. Yes, you are young. But why fight a good thing? This guy might be the one. You should give yourself the chance to find out if this is it. If it isn't - at least you'll know. And it's not to late for him to find someone new either, even though he's 24 and have kids.

As long as you both are nice persons, the children have a stable, safe and happy life, and you both know what the other one wants for the future of this relationship, I cant see why you should not date him.


Aww! That is so sweet of you! Thank you, and I appreciate your support ^_^
Trapper
I agree with most of the replies. Pretty good advice overall. I just have to say, at 18, don't be jumping into marriage or a sexual relationship with the guy.

The only thing I'm curious about, is why does this guy already have two kids? Did his first wife die? Is he divorced? Were they two separate mothers? Maybe it's a simple answer, but that's the questions that kept coming into my mind as much as you 18 and he 26. Age difference does not have to be a big stumbling block, but there seems to be more here than just age...father of 2 is far different than two single people wanting to take something further.

Good luck.
ehecatl
Trapper wrote:
I agree with most of the replies. Pretty good advice overall. I just have to say, at 18, don't be jumping into marriage or a sexual relationship with the guy.

The only thing I'm curious about, is why does this guy already have two kids? Did his first wife die? Is he divorced? Were they two separate mothers? Maybe it's a simple answer, but that's the questions that kept coming into my mind as much as you 18 and he 26. Age difference does not have to be a big stumbling block, but there seems to be more here than just age...father of 2 is far different than two single people wanting to take something further.

Good luck.


Yes, I agree with you on the sex and marriage thing, I'm definitely NOT jumping into that... ^_^ But as far as him having two kids, he's not divorced and the girl isn't dead, but him and the girl he had them with (they do have the same mother) were together for a long time. The eldest, the girl, is 6 and the younger one, a little boy, is almost 2 now. So they haven't been separated for too long, but they were together a long time. And I've only met the little boy so far. He's very adorable and sweet ^_^ And he's 24, by the way. Very Happy But I thank you for your concern ^_^
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