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Marriage and Divorce





Tiger
I wanted to ask a question on this topic and get feedback from those who have 'been there'.

How much effort should one put into saving a marriage, and when is it time to get out? I believe that most people who getr divorced divorce around the four year mark. My 4th anniversary is in July, but I have been separated for a year now. We do have a child - about one-and-a-half years old, and I haven't seen her for almost a year now.

I would appreciate any comments you may have on this topic.
GB
Divorce should not be an option. Think of your daughter. Stats show that growing up without a father makes her more likely to get caught up in drugs and all sorts of other bad stuff. There is a reason you and your wife fell in love. There is a reason that you two are now separated. Fix the problem, remember each of you is "at fault," forgive each other, be willing to work together to find a solution. Do it for your daughter and do it for each other. Marriage is about serving the other ahead of yourself and submitting to one another in love, please work at it as hard as you have to.
S3nd K3ys
If you have kids living at home. There is nothing so bad to warrent a divorce. Otherwise, if one of you is not able to be happy, it's likely over and may be time to throw in the towel.
HoboPelican
I can't argue with the the first 2 posters, but I will toss in my two cents.

Staying together for the kids only works if the parents can act civil and loving almost all the time. In general, I think that kids pick up on what's happening between the parents and can tell if the parents aren't getting along. This is one case where I wouldn't worry about studies showing "x% of the kids from broken homes were Y". I know couples who stayed together for the kids and really screwed them up. On the other hand, I know couples that divorced and found it easier to be "friends" and worked together to raise great kids.

I think the important thing is for the parents not to work against each other or use the kids as game pieces. And sometimes that is easier if they aren't living together. Anyone in a marriage that is going down hill knows how taxing it can be just to be in the same house that the evil bitch/bastard.

If you can't work together, then the kids are screwed anyway. That gets complicated and each situtation needs to be addressed individually.

Just my thoughts. Every situation is different.
Scorpio
You guys pretty much summed it up there.
philipbool
Yeah, me and my wife really struggled a while back - we thought we couldn't live together but actually we really needed support from each other rather than what seemed at the time like judgement.
If you can, getting some quality contact time for the two of you - just try and talk again, and about stuff that matters, like you no doubt used to do all the time...

maybe it's a way to build a few bridges, presuming you want to.
thenibblet
Marriage requires love or at least a great deal of respect and affection in order to work. If you can't stand your partner and firmly believe that there's no way you could build back your affection for them, then it will be torturous for both you and the children to continue the marriage.

I agree that it is very important that children have two parents, but even most important is that they grow up around role models who demonstrate love, care, kindness, grace, and respect. Otherwise you will be perpetuating issues of distrust that are likely to resurface in your children's own relationships.
brummyphil
Tiger wrote:
I wanted to ask a question on this topic and get feedback from those who have 'been there'.

How much effort should one put into saving a marriage, and when is it time to get out? I believe that most people who getr divorced divorce around the four year mark. My 4th anniversary is in July, but I have been separated for a year now. We do have a child - about one-and-a-half years old, and I haven't seen her for almost a year now.

I would appreciate any comments you may have on this topic.



HI,
how are you doing? sounds pretty rough right now. I have been there and to answer your question about effort, How much are you both willing to put into this relationship?

You mention you have not seen your daughter for almost a year? This sounds like the marriage Is already over but you or your wife are not ready to face it.

Try thinking back to a time when you were together and happy, Really try to re-create the time in your mind. Imagine you are at the movies watching a film of your life then. Remember the sounds , the voices , what you were saying and feeling at the time. The more effort you put into recreating it the better it becomes to deal with. Let that movie run till you really begin to feel what you felt then. Imagine jumping into the movie and acting out yourself.


Now imagine, using the same technique see your marriage onscreen as a movie just before before you seperated . again really get a good picture going recreate the sounds, emotions and feelings.

when you can see a clear view of the event then imagine jumping into it and playing the part of you.


This may seem strange but it enables you to recreate the feelings from a memory. This can help us to decide how we want to feel in the future.

bear with me on this it really works.

You can now decide if the feelings you had when you were happy are worth fighting for, and if your wife feels the same. Or you may decide that the future holds more of the same for you both.

You have a RIGHT and DESERVE to be happy!
We all do but sometimes we settle for less because its easy.

Think now about how you wish your life could be . If it was perfect ?
Does your wife figure in this?

Sometimes we stay hanging on to relationships long after they sould have ended. This only ends up making us feel unhappy, or resentful, or angry at missed opportunities. When these feelings enter a relationship and remain unchecked, it usually spells the end.

But we dont listen !

The secret to happiness is not in doing what one likes to do, but in liking what one has to do.

- unknown

Really take a look at what you want in the future . Dont waste your life or your wifes if you are both going to be unhappy.

I was in a magrriage that was ok. We could have stayed together and would have been reasonably happy most of the time ...

I suffered from depression for many years and finally found a way of overcoming it. The tools encourage you to focus on changes in your life to bring happiness and great relationships etc..

I overcame depression and in doing so I realised that i has been settling for second best for years. I ended the marriage and decided what sort of woman i could be happy with for life.


I am now with a woman who is sooooo close to my ideal that whenever i think of her a big smile still covers my face..after 4 years thats not bad.

I hope this has been helpful to you and I wish you well for the future. but remember the future can be decided .

Most big decisions we make are painful at the time , this passes ,remember that , and on the other side can be true happiness

phil
skygaia
Um....
I have hesitated to reply it because I'm not a good speaker in english. english is my second language. So I was worried if you could understand what I said in English.

But, I decided to say little bit even though my poor english.

These days many people think marriage is a kind of events of their life. It is a sort of major choicece of their life. maybe it sounds right.

But I think we have to think, whenever we face serious problems in our martial life, about why we got married. Of course most of them got married because of love each other. So where is their love gone now?
Love can have changed? or you or your partner have changed?

I want to sayt we tend not to think serious about marriage. I know endurance is not the best solution of the problems you and your partner faced. But endurance can be helful for you guys.

Whenever we make a big decision, we need time to think deeply.
Did you have time to do that? Did you say what you really wanted?

Sometimes the time we think that we were late is the proper time.

I got married and have a son. He is just 30months old now. I just want you to cheer up and try to do something to recover your relationship.

Good luck!!
sonicj
I won't say anything about your marriage as I am sure you will do what is best or you would not even be asking. I would however say, if it has been a year since you have seen your child, it is long overdue to see your child. Is there some reason you are not able to? Just curious.
cybernie
marriage is a life long commitment. you commit yourself to life with your partner and you "become one"... the sacrament of marriage is one of most important sacraments to Catholics so to speaks... and we believe those who were binded as one in God's name should not separate or get separated by any force until death...

i feel sad knowing u haven't seen your child that long... i am sure the child is also suffering the pain of missing you... have you not tried making some moves to safe your marriage? what was the cause of the separation? maybe both of you should think about the child. whatever problem that comes out from the parents and involves the child, the most affected part is the side of child...

you still love ur partner and want to make your family whole again? if yes, why not make a move? try to pick up the broken pieces of the relationship... yeah, it's hard... and it will not make everything perfect... all wounds heals but some leave scars but those scars should not be understood negatively... they should serve as reminder on where and why u have fallen... let it be an instrument to make you grow stronger and more mature... let it be the source of your strength in moving on and fighting against trials in life!
rasinman2000
Marrige is not a hard thing to keep happy, the problem is we tend to get bored, I am allways hearing about someone waking out(Quiting)
the answer is easy. When we start out we have very littile deibt and no wories as we grow deeper into our marriage we go deeper in debt and shorter on money so we cut back on personel fun time in exchange for our personel property"furniture,cars,creidt cards ect. so now were board with our life tend to argue about(bills) why we have no money or why we dont do anything any more and the only entertainment we do is going to friends house and he talks to him and she talks to her and still no personal time and the solution is easy. First we have to go back to when we young with no job all we had was friends in school and and which toy to play with. What I am saying is you made your own fun as a child with no money and now that were older we thik we need money to have fun. Take time each week alone with each other even if its going to the ride-aid for a 89 cent ice cream and walkaround the park. Go back to the begining when you first met and try to have fun without spending money play a game or make up a game and you will have more fun than if you did spend money.
skullflower
I agree with an above poster that divorce shouldn't even be considered. In my opinion it should not even be on option. If it wasn't I'm sure it would be taken more seriously like it should be. Marriage is a bond that should last forever, for that is one of the vows. I may only be sixteen, but that doesn't stop be from being disappointed in society today. Mostly for this reason [and a few others better kept for different arguements].

I don't think you should do it. I think the right choice would be reuniting for the child at least. That may make your connection with your spouse stronger. If not for yourselves... Then the child you brought into the world. Give them a better life.
ankur.vatsa
--------------------------------------------
skygaia
As you know, it's not a simpl arguement.
I got married. This November is 4th anniversary for us. We have a two-and-half year son.
I and my wife know that it's difficult to keep our martial life peacefully. Sometimes we faced serious problem. Then my wife would tell me "Divorce". Whenever it happend, I would really want to do that. But as time goes by, I thought I was right that I didn't do that..
One guy already told, "Divorce is not a option". I agree with him/or her.
But I don't want to argue about that.

I just want to say to you, human life is not short and not long... ^^
I just wonder if you would try to do your best for your martial life.
Now, what I'm saying might be important to you. But I think there are enough time for you to do something.

You can try to do your best again to reunion, or you can find your another partner.
And you can make an effort to see your lovely daughter.
There are many options which you can.

Just remember, time is running now, some day you might regret what you have done or not done..


Good luck
macky
marriage is very much important to all... one may find it hard after all the trials that has been into

but always remember your children... they are blessings to you- as parents...
deanhills
macky wrote:
marriage is very much important to all... one may find it hard after all the trials that has been into

but always remember your children... they are blessings to you- as parents...
Some times I think it could be in the interest of the children that the parents separate. Especially if there is an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage and the two parents really hate one another, or the husband or wife are very abusive. Although on the other hand, usually the breakdown shows up in the divorce as well, sometimes some of the worst damage happens during the divorce when one parent tries to spite another and the children are being used in tug of war games.
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