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How do you deal with a boyfriend's soon to be ex-wife?





SomeonesLittleOne
I am starting a new relationship with a very good friend of mine. I love him dearly, I am excited to be with him and his kids. (Although I have not had the pleasure of meeting them yet, but I am looking forward to it) He is getting separating from his wife and I am keeping my distance until things are settled so I do not cause problems for them. It is hard to stay away, all I want to do is run to him.

My problem is that his soon to be ex-wife is being vindictive. She is emailing me from his accounts (I know it is her because I know the way he writes) saying some things to try to get to me and trying to cause problems. She is posting nasty blogs to try to get me upset and it is ending up hurting him too. I know she is hurting right now so I understand - to a point. I know that right now she hates me. She is blaming me for things going wrong in their marraige and she tells me often that I am a terrible person. and that I am causing all her problems right now. I am worried that it will be hurting the kids and she is threatening to make it so he does not see the kids. I am going to try to make sure that does not happen.

I want what is best for him and the kids. I worry that is is going to turn ugly. I am trying my best to make friends with her, after all we are going to be dealing with each other for the rest of our lifes.

I have to admit that I get jealous at some of the things she has said, but I can not ask for anything different since they are still technically married.

How do I deal with her and what she is doing to us?

Most of all how do I make sure the kids do not suffer from any of this?
RhysAndrews
Maybe you should have a bit of a talk to your boyfriend? Ask him how his soon-to-be-ex-wife is taking it, if she's acting suspiciously etc. You should try and get his wife back on track through him, talking straight to her about her problem may not be such a good idea as a start. To talk to people like your boyfriend, and maybe his wifes best friends (if you know them), can get you an idea of you should say to the wife directly when you do get a chance.

Good luck with it, sounds like a troubling situation.
Regards
Rhys Andrews
pollux1er
RhysAndrews wrote:
Maybe you should have a bit of a talk to your boyfriend? Ask him how his soon-to-be-ex-wife is taking it, if she's acting suspiciously etc. You should try and get his wife back on track through him, talking straight to her about her problem may not be such a good idea as a start. To talk to people like your boyfriend, and maybe his wifes best friends (if you know them), can get you an idea of you should say to the wife directly when you do get a chance.

Good luck with it, sounds like a troubling situation.
Regards
Rhys Andrews


You're right Rhys Andrews!
that's how you should behave in front of such a situation. You are right to take care not to hurt the kids in this problem. This could be bad for your love whith that guy.

Good luck and always remember: "True Love always wins"
Tasa
pollux1er wrote:
Good luck and always remember: "True Love always wins"


Could not have said it better myself Pollex1er
pollux1er
Sorry but i'm not a french speaker. Can you pliz tell me what i should have said?
SomeonesLittleOne
I wish I knew what was going on. I am tired of not knowing where I stand for sure. There is a lot of stuff going on that I just do not seem to understand. I am feeling very confused. I just to be with the one that I love, now and forever. If that means that I spent the rest of my life alone, that is what I will do. Because I have learned something at the very least. That no matter what happens he is in my heart and it is not fair for me to be with anyone else because I could never give them the love they would deserve from me.

I love him now and always. I hope that no matter what happens he finds what he needs, that he finds his true happiness. That is all I have ever wanted for him. Now it seems that somehow I destroyed everything that he found to give him that happiness.

I am so very confused. I do not know what to trust anymore. I can not trust what I read because now I am not sure who it is coming from. I can not go see him because I do not want to cause more problems. I am feeling so very alone and isolated right now. I know what I feel and I know what I want but I am not sure about everyone else.

I do not know what to do.

--------
I am so sorry if I ruined everything for you. If I did and you decide to stay, please forgive me. Forgive me for loving you so much. Forgive me for destroying your life. Forgive me for everything that I have done. Forgive me. Please.

If you stay, just let me know so I can go. I will never contact you again, but know this - you will forever be in my heart. I will love you forever.
I hope you find what you need and your happiness.

Always, Forever and a Day, with all my heart, mind, body and soul. You are my beloved now and for all eternity.




Forgive me.
RhysAndrews
Quote:
I can not trust what I read because now I am not sure who it is coming from.

Then why did you originally start this thread?
Look, we can't tell you to do something that you don't think is going to work, because it's up to you. But if you're willing to trust us with our advice, it's for the better of you and your boyfriend.

-Rhys
Traveller
SomeonesLittleOne wrote:
I am so very confused. I do not know what to trust anymore.


Although what I'm about to say may be difficult for you to understand or accept right now, I do have an answer to why you are having difficulties with trust.

If this guy had not already been in any other relationship (either single or already divorced), then you met him and started a relationship, you would not have as much difficulty. As it is, your relationship with him broke the trust between him and his current (soon to be former) wife.

That means that he already has a past relationship in which he could not be trusted. Even though you have very strong feelings toward him, you are aware of his potential for unfaithfulness (even if your relationship with him, so far, has not gone all the way, sexually), and that awareness is lurking in the back of your mind so that you are (at least subconciously) wondering if you will be able to trust him not to start another relationship and leave you.

Even without any religious, moral, or legal reasons, this demonstrates why this kind of relationship is wrong: it violates trust in so many ways. Furthermore, since you participated in this relationship, you have demonstrated that you are not able to be trusted with someone else's otherwise-committed relationship. This means that commitment, itself, is not safe with you, and that there is a good chance you could be equally unfaithful if you were married.

Since true love is founded upon trust, and not just an emotional high or a sexual impulse, you have shown that your actual feelings for this guy are nothing more than infatuation and/or lust, and that has caused you to doubt whom you are able to trust, since the entire relationship that you so fervently desire right now has, been founded upon the betrayal of trust.

I'm not saying you are entirely to blame, here - he has done his share, as well - but each of you need to examine your true motives, and to find relationships that are founded and solidly grounded in trust so that you will be able, truly and truthfully "to be with the one that I love, now and forever."
Tasa
It seems to me a lot of things have gone unsaid in this thread. Like why you could no longer trust what you read and although Traveller does have some very vaild point without the full story they may not be completely relavent to this subject.

For all we know this boyfriend of yours could have been having some major issues in his marriage and you really had nothing to do with final brake down.

For all we know this soon to be ex of his although hurt may be acting as if she happy with the final outcome. And once some of that hurt is gone she may even realize that her actions are not what is best.

Or at least that is what I think.
bangala
Tasa wrote:
It seems to me a lot of things have gone unsaid in this thread. Like why you could no longer trust what you read


She said that " She is emailing me from his accounts (I know it is her because I know the way he writes) saying some things to try to get to me and trying to cause problems. '

I suggest that you talk to him directly and clarify things. If she's using his account, then he should be able to stop that. Let him sort his problems with his present wife if he's really serious about your relationship. Otherwise, you may have to reconsider this relationship.
Traveller
bangala wrote:
Let him sort his problems with his present wife if he's really serious about your relationship.


Just remember that, when he proposed to and married his wife, he told her he was serious about THAT relationship. Thus, how can you know if he's genuinely serious about YOUR relationship? This is why trust is so important.
springbok
SomeonesLittleOne
Quote:
since they are still technically married.


With my knowledge from limited interaction with the female species I have found that when it comes to love they do not easily let go of what is theirs. It would be expected that his wife would wants to hold onto what is hers and if she cannot have him then noone should.

From previous experience one should not get involved in a relationship with someone that is already in a relationship be it marriage or not. If that person says they are going to get divorced it is best to wait till the papers are signed and filed. then and only then pursue the relationship with no "strings" attached.

Apart from that there is the question of faithfullness, as has been mentioned previously. Can you be certain taht he will not do the same to you in a few years time when the two of you get married, if it progresses that far?

Not a pleaseant situation to find oneself in.
Tasa
But the papers have been filed I have not signed them only because I have not had a chance to see them yet...I am sure I will have them in my hand tomorrow. It is wierd, but a part of me doesn't want it to end.

As to doing this to Littleone, funny thing is almost 10 years ago I let her walk out of my life a thing that to this day I have regreated. Something I hope to change. We are not involved at this time I am married and until it is all said and done that is that. I love my wife we have had many issues, and it seems those issues are unfixable.

And who knows what the will happen later, but I am happy to say I did not cheat on my wife.
SomeonesLittleOne
I am feeling confident in this new relationship. I DO trust him. I trust him with everything in me. I have know him for over 15 years. He is my first love and my one and only true love. I want to be with him more than anything in the world. He is the one for me. He always has been and always will be. He is my soul-mate.

I guess there will always be that chance but I do not think he would ever do that to me.

I love him more now than ever and I can not hardly wait to spend the rest of my life with him

We are corrected a wrong, I firmly believe this.

We have worked out the problem with "her" using his accounts so we can talk a lot more now.

I am just worried about his kids. I do not want him to lose them.

I love him more everyday. He is so very important to me. I am proud of him.
SomeonesLittleOne
Traveller wrote:
Even without any religious, moral, or legal reasons, this demonstrates why this kind of relationship is wrong: it violates trust in so many ways. Furthermore, since you participated in this relationship, you have demonstrated that you are not able to be trusted with someone else's otherwise-committed relationship. This means that commitment, itself, is not safe with you, and that there is a good chance you could be equally unfaithful if you were married.

Since true love is founded upon trust, and not just an emotional high or a sexual impulse, you have shown that your actual feelings for this guy are nothing more than infatuation and/or lust, and that has caused you to doubt whom you are able to trust, since the entire relationship that you so fervently desire right now has, been founded upon the betrayal of trust.


I do TRUST him. I trust him with everything in my heart.

We were together for a very long time before he had even met his wife. We dated all through high school and while he was in college. We have a nine year old daugther together. We were very committed to each other then and I KNOW we will be now.

He is my true love. He is the one and only guy I have EVER wanted to be with.

I let a stupid misunderstanding tear us apart. Pregnancy hormones were playing a big part in it too. It was a mistake then to not be with him. I believe that is a mistake that we are working on fixing now.

It feels so right to be with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to have a family with him.

I LOVE HIM! I love him now and I will love him always.
ankur.vatsa
--------------------------------------------
Usborne_Books
FINALLY - LET HIM GO!

He does not love you nor does he want you. He will always choose her over you. Get used to it.

Open up your pretty little blue eyes and realize that is the way it has always been with him.

Move on, find your own happiness, let go of him, the past and your deep depression. Just say Goodbye once and for all - he has.

BY THE WAY - - -You were WRONG to have trusted him - now or in the past. All he has ever done to you was lie to you and use you to get want he wanted from you. All he will ever do is hurt you and the kids. - - - Forget him (if only that was possible right?!?!?)

He is not worth the pain you are putting yourself through, trust me. I am you just several months later.
Rolling Eyes

Best of luck to all involved, Hope the future is better and brighter than the past.
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