It sounds like you are in a really tough situation right now. It's always hard to know what to do when someone from your past comes back into your life.
What makes you say that your marriage isn't strong and will never be strong? What keeps your marriage from being strong? While lonliness can be a really scary feeling - you must have cared about him to have chosen him over others?
I think it is possible to be in love with someone for a long time. However - nine years is a long time - and people do change, so who you loved before might not be who is there today. Sometimes, it can be easy to get wrapped up in the moment. How long have you been seeing this other man? Where would you see the relationship go?
Your family is always an important consideration. What makes you say that your children's lives will be better if you were on your own?
I would rather have the opportunity to have the love of my life by my side.
No decision -even taken with the bestest of intentions- is worth throwing away your life over. I say; dump that husband of yours. He's not happy, your kids are unhappy and more importantly; you are not happy. Why hang on? Hope is a good thing but sometimes it's just better to let go and start over.
Maybe you will only truely get to know the love of your life when you live with him. Maybe -i hope not- you will get your heart broken by him, but isn't it worth the risk though? Shouldn't you give yourself the chance to be happy again? The least you can do is try, right?
I wish you courage and strength, and i hope you'll be happy again when this is all over.
You should move on, if not to the ex at least away from this person. You two do not seem to have the same goals in life. You are strong enough to be alone if you have to. I hope you wouldn't have to.
Beloved... I Love you! Thank you for all your love and support. You are my life and my dreams. Always, Forever and a Day! with ALL my heart, mind, body and soul!
I just the best few days that I have had in a long time. I felt happy and loved. I found the piece of me that was missing. I felt whole. I felt God's embrace again.
But I just had that ripped away from me and I am afraid that it is something that I might never get back, ever. I am scared that I will never feel again the way I felt this last couple of days.
What good is love if it tears you apart?
What good is God if he leads us to happiness and then yanks it away?
What good is a heart if it betrays you?
What good are eyes if you can not look upon the one you love?
What good are hands if you can not carass the face of your friend?
What good is life if you are without the love you want?
What good is life?
I love you. I always have and I always will. No matter what.
When the time is right for you let me know. I am here.
I am sorry I hurt you.
Well put what you really have to lose in consideration. You guys are adults I presume, So take the chance, Your not kids anymore and he certainly wont spread this to everyone. Put this to consideration, Atleast you tried, Its better than not taking the chance.
Once upon a time.... this person was me. I am now back on here-For one simple reason, especially now - - NO ONE ON HERE KNOWS ME. The only person that did has deleted his account so it is "safe" for me to post on here again.
Well, if I could go back in time and tell myself what to do in this situation, whay would it be...
Back then I was confused and scared. I was about to give up everything I knew, everything that could be to be with the "ONE". The one "TRUE LOVE" we all hope to find. In my heart, he was it. He was the one I had wanted all my life. He was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. HE WAS "IT"! I guess in some ways, he might always be. For I believe that no person, no matter how strong or cold hearted, ever truly "gets over" their first love. And he was mine. I WANTED to see him again. I DESIRED it with all my heart, mind, body and soul. I NEEDED to see him again. And I risked EVERYTHING to have that chance. I know he might not see it that way, but I gave up more than he will ever know or truly understand.
So what would I tell the past me now that I have lived through everything that happened...
There will be jealousy, mistrust, anger, pain, tears, joy, passion, love, depression, annoyances, curiousity, anxiety, calm, cheer, saddness, being crushed and so many other emotions that will ebb and flow in your time together...
I would then ask myself "Is it worth it?"
I would pause and reply "YES, every mintue of it."
Old me, "Why?"
"Because he is your one and only and everything in your past, you have always compared to him. Your past marriages and boyfriends, your past happiness and sorrow, your past everything has always been compared to him and to know exactly how you feel about everything and most of all about him will be worth every moment."
Old me "So how do I feel about him then - in the future?"
"Well, there will come a time that something bad happens. It will be blown out of porportion by EVERYONE (yes even yourself, though I think of myself as being calm, cool and collected. The last several months have proved to myself that is not always the case.) and you will do things that you are not prove of. And dispite your feelings for him and what will probably be your last chance to be with him, you will do something stupid - you will leave him."
"Why on earth would I do that?"
"Because of your past mostly, I think. I know you have been abused in your past and when the voices got loud and he showed his strength, you will get scared. You will feel the urge to run, yet once again. Run away from your problems so you can later reflect in safety and think how stupid things are now. You seem to be good at that. Plus, your guilt will be checking up with you. Especailly since someone important to him will keep rubbing it that you are destroying a perfectly happy family, or that is how you will take it."
"So what did I learn about how I feel about him?"
"Well, at frist you will instantly fall back in love with him, but it will not be the "him" you remember. Time changes everyone it seems. Remember the time, he told you he could not possibly be the father because of some stupid excuse . . . Well, he now has two other children and a very beautiful wife. Guess, he was wrong. Come to find out, that is a line guys LOVE to use.
You will come to realize that he is not the same person but you are willing to help him though anything and everything that he needs help with, after all, why should you not, He is the ONE, remember.
The scary thing will happen and you will flee. At first you will be scared of him and feel like you have to protect a friend. Then you will be confused, especailly when they gang up on you and make you feel like he never wanted you in the first place. THat he just wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He was geeting the best of both worlds - his wife and his misteress too. Then you will get angry and take him to court, yet getting things out of control again. But seeing him again just made you feel confused and used again since SHE was there too. So you will then spend the next several months pushing everyone away from you, getting dangerously depressed because you will start to reflect on your WHOLE relationship with him and wonder "DID HE EVER LOVE ME?" "DID HE EVER WANT ME?" "DID HE EVER WANT JUST ME?" "WAS HE EVER FAITHFUL TO ME?" "OR WAS I JUST SOME TOY< SOME CANDY TO BE ENJOYED WHENEVER HE WANTED AND STILL HAVE HIS FUN BEHIND MY BACK?" "
"Where are you/me at now with that?"
"Well.... That is hard to say. I part of me is sad because we never had the chance to see where it would go. A part of me is convinced that he would never had stayed because he would have gone back to his family - maybe that is where he belonged the whole time. I part of me is happy because life has taken a different course. A big part of me is hurt that even after he PROMISED to be faithful to you and ONLY YOU that he could go sleep with his wife AGAIN. Yes, I understand it is his wife but it hurt more than he will ever know. And because of that one "mistake" you will turn around and do something that will change everything and your future. For better or worse - that is yet to be seen.
So I guess to sum it up on how you will feel when you get to where I am now.....
I still do not have a clear cut answer.
Would I ever go bck into a relationship with him, I can not say. I am happy where I am at right now. And to trust him would take A LOT of work. I would have to be a L O N G term relationship and it would be a long time before he would be able to get close again. He has hurt me toooo many times before.
Do I still love him...
ALWAYS! Like I have said, I do not think you can truly "get over" your first love. I believe that a part of them will always be a part of you. So I guess, I will always have a piece of him with me in one way or the other - the other being almost ten years old now too. Either it is the old him or the current him that I love the most, I am not sure. Our last time together was all too short. That is not in the least the way I would picture things going if I ever had the chance to be with him again. I thought with all my heart that things would have been different, better somehow. That he would have realized that I was the one he wanted all this time and that we would live happily ever after. I guess it is endings like this, that I do not believe in fairy tales. No matter how hard you try, you will always get your heart broken. My heart has had it share and everytime I pick up the piece and try to move on, pieces get lost or shatter into pieces too small to pick up again. A piece of me dies. Just as another piece of me died the day I left Ogden. I often wonder how much more I can take, how much longer can I hold on and carry on? If I have to suffer even one more, I am afraid I will not survive."
"WOW!, that is a lot of stuff."
"Yes, it is."
"Would you want to see him again?"
"That is a loaded question, the answer would be YES!. Yes, I would, even if it was to just tell him I am SORRY. I hope that someday he can forgive me. I feel like this is all my fault and I wish I could make it better for everyone, but I can not and that hurts too. But you ever have that nagging desire in the back of your head to just kiss someone whenever you see them? I feel like that at times too so the answer would be no, no because I do not trust myself enough not to just do it."
"Why not just do it then?"
"Because that would not solve any problems and it would then cause A LOT more. Complicated problems seem to follow me. My one wish - - - That we could at least be friends again but I do not think that would be possible at this point and that weights heavily on my broken heart."
Moral of the story - - - You only live once, have fun and enjoy it. Take risks. Live, laugh and love as much as you can. Just be careful not to F@%K everything up along the way!
To the "ONE" - I wish I could tell you I am sorry. I wish I could tell you so many things that we never had the chance to talk about. I .........
I guess it does not really matter what I would tell you, I will NEVER have that chance.
I am sorry!