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Don't think bad about me.

I am happily married, have been for 8+ years. Before my wife I was in a long term realationship with this other women things fell apart for reasons I can't truely understand. And she walked out of my life for what I though was forever.

Well recently she sent me an email and we talked over IMs for a long time I came apon a very scary discovery. I still love her. I never stopped loving her. I however love my wife very much. I just think I love the other one more. Lots more. But I don't know. I don't know what to do. I love her so much. I love my wife so much. I just love my old love so much more.

What do I do?

I know you say you love your wife, and that you love the ex a lot more, but if you're thinking about doing something rash with the ex, think about how much you would hurt your wife if she found out.

If you truly love your wife, why is the ex so tempting? Is it the marriage that's just getting a little old? (8+ years is a long time) Not that I'm an expert, but oftentimes when we're in a relationship that isn't totally satisfying or isn't exciting anymore, we often think about our past relationships. The problem is, all we remember about the past are the good parts, we often don't think about the bad parts.

There were reasons that your past relationship ended. Have you or your ex changed enough that those issues won't come up again? You say you broke up for reasons you can't truly understand. Maybe it's time to understand them before you do anything.

It's not bad to think about the ex and how much fun you had. It is bad to do something about it without thinking through the reasons because you're gonna wind up hurting a lot of people along the way.

Just my $0.02. Good Luck.
I remember the bad times with my ex just as much as the good in fact I remember everything with a level of detail I can not truely understand. My memory sucks and yet I remember everything about her and our time togather. And it not like I remember this perfect women and junk. We were young our realationship was hard

What I meant by not being able to understand the reason we stopped being us was because it seems it was a misunderstanding. Had it not been for that one misunderstanding she would not have walked out that day. That may not have stop us from breaking up, but we could have at least talk through the things we were feeling at the time.

I compare every girl I dated since against this one woman. I am confused right now.
I think you have just got an infatuation with this woman. You had a good time with her long ago, but in the 8+ years you have been with you wife, have you thought of this woman? Or is it just now that she is back on the scene? You are remembering everything that is good with that relatioship, and you are thinking what might have been, but it didn't happen, perhaps there is a reason for this, and you're beeter off with your wife?
It sounds like you might have your answer. You are avidly defending her, the other woman. If you still feel that strongly towards her, then are you truly happily married? Who do you spenting the rest of your life with? Make the choice that makes you happy. Does this other women feel the same about you? If you both still have these feelings then maybe you are both where you need to be to make it work. Maybe God is telling you something. Pray about it.

You seem to have made up your heart but your mind is trying to make it complicated and is resistant to follow. Confused

Personally I say go for it. If she makes that happy, this other woman, then why wait. How can you be true to your heart if you do not at let see where it leads. You might never again be able to find that kind of happiness, trust me. I have made that mistake and have lived with that regret ever since.
IMHO, i think you're just having your 7 year itch a year or two late.

after about 7 years (give or take a few) of going out with someone leads to an urge for change with almost every couple. How well you resist it gives testament to how strong your relationship is.

When you talk to someone a lot on IM or in person, especially around this time, you'll develop really strong feelings towards them really really fast, and it'll really confuse you about which feelings are stronger, new or old.

In the end it should come down to who's more compatible for the long haul. If you can see your current marriage lasting for the rest of your life in relative happiness, then cut off the temptation and do something fun with your wife. Stop talking to the ex because that's just going to make the feelings get stronger and stronger and harder to resist cheating.

If you can clearly see a relationship and marriage and full happy life with the ex after you divorce your current wife, then go for that. But don't think in terms of the feelings you have for her. Look at it more rationally than that. Are your beliefs and jobs and lives compatible. Can a marriage last based on your two personalities and all your ensuing baggage. If it ended on a misunderstanding, will it happen again with a different misunderstanding (ie. is she so volatile that it's not worth risking a stable marriage for). etc.
How long did you date the ex? Did you ask her to marry you? How long did you date your wife? Was the wife a rebound relationship that you might have rushed into to cover your hurt and feeling for your ex? Do you and your ex fight a lot? If you have kids, will the ex be supportive of them and be willing to be a step-mom to him? If she has kids are you willing to raise them? You would have to treat them no different than your own, if you have some.

Change can be scary and cause you to doubt it. But change is what keeps us growing and being better people. Everything changes, even relationships and the reasons you make them and even stay in them.

What do you truly want?
The ex and I were together for almost a decade. I have always though about her, but figured after the way we left things she was gone. I have compared everyone after her against her.

What makes it worse is the fact that my wife and I have had our fair share of issues and ever seperated for a while three years ago. And ever had so major issues just a few months ago. We stayed together for the kids both times. I don't know if I love my wife because she is the mother of my childern or what. I do love her.

I also realize that I may be in love with a memory of what she was not what she is. I want to know who she is now.
Sometimes having conflicts with people we are currently with will make us want to look for other options. Maybe seeing this ex again makes you think about the past, makes your remember the good times.

Relationships aren't easy, I'm sure you have realized that. It takes work, and while it is frustrating sometimes, you probably married the woman you did for a reason, and broke up with your ex for a reason.

It's normal to think about past relationships, maybe even compare them to people now. But before you give up on your wife and your marriage, take some time to talk to her about the issues that have been going on. Maybe take a day away from the kids and just treat yourself - spend some time together as a couple. Try and remember why you chose her in the first place. Life has this awful way of getting us wrapped up in stuff that isn't important.
My wife made it clear that we are together for the kids last night. I love my kids very much and I am not sure you can stay with someone for just the kids don't you have a right to be happy. Not to mention I don't want my kids to see there mother and father in a loveless marriage.

I love my little one so much I want to be with her now. This marriage is a sham.
Tasa, I wish you all the luck in world and hope things work out well for you.

Sounds like you have pretty much decided where things stand. I wonder if you and your wife can still work together well enough for the kids. I don't have any kids, but from what I've seen "staying together for the kids" is not always the best thing for them. Kids can be really good at picking up the tensions between the parents. And I know a couple of families where the husband and wife split and actually worked better together raising the kids than they had when living under the same roof. Each situation is different, ya know.

I've been married 3 times to and have had 2 wives. Yep, Divorced the 1st and then got back together, because we really loved each other and I knew she had changed.....I was wrong, but it seemed right at the time. Marriage can be hard. I think one of the hardest things is that we've (at least in my culture) been been raised on this idea of "happily ever after". It's a fairytale. My current marriage is NOT perfect. But it works. We don't see eye to eye on everything and sometimes I really piss her off. But I think it's not only that we fell in "love" each other, but that we have made a conscious decision to stay in love....I'm not good at explaining this, sorry. I guess what is boils down to is that there is a mutual respect and even when things aren't perfect, we both know that the other is willing compromise and work though whatever it is.

Of course, that was my life and not yours. Again, I wish you the best and hope that, whatever happens, you guys let the kids know that you both love them and that it wasn't their fault. Most kids can adapt to the truth pretty well, I think.
Tasa wrote:
My wife made it clear that we are together for the kids last night.

To me that means your wife is not passionately in love either. That is a sad situation to be in. Maybe I missed it somewhere, but how old are the kids? i don't know how much of a difference that makes, but I think regardless of this other lady you guys should just call it quits. But then I didn't get a feel of how much your wife wants to try to make the marriage work better. Because if she is willing to really put in a lot effort to make it a truly loving relationship and not just a front for the kids, then you should as well. You owe everyone that much. 8 years really isn't all that long when you think about it. I get shocked when people say 8 years is a long time. To me 15 years is a long time.

I would say, if your wife really wants to try to make it work, concentrate on your marriage first. Don't try to rekindle anything with your ex. As a matter of fact keep as much distance as possible. She would be a distraction and complicate things even more. And if things remain stale, then you and your wife should split up for the kids. Because you don't want them to grow up with this perception of marriage based on the one you currently have. Good luck to all of you.
Citizen Kane
lyndonray wrote:
but I think regardless of this other lady you guys should just call it quits.

I agree. I've never been maried, but have been in simlular situations and although very hard, I think the best thing to do is to separate things from each other. your marriage with your wife is one case, the other woman another. Try to act towards them in a way that everything you do is coherent to all sides, but also in a manner that these situations aren't intertwined. The last thing you'll want to do is give your wife and children the idea that you ran off with somebody else. first things first... And if your ex wife still loves you, she'll understand.

I can imagine that you're facing a very confusing period. Unless these people (your current wife, the other woman and of course your kids) literally don't mean anything to you, you'll be confused and it will be hard to figure out what is best to do. please, don't rush things, don't do anything rash but think it all over. give yourself time. en find someone close to you to talk to. Someone who understands you and supports you whatever you do. maybe your parrents, a very good friend or a really good colleague.

keep in touch, let us know frome time to time how things go. And another thing: don't forget yourself! I can imagine these things take control over you, so I think it's important to do nice stuff, nurture yourself. there is a difference between becoming an ugly situation and just having to deal with it.

I won't wish you luck, because luck is the last thing you'll need. Instead I wish you the piece of mind to find and make the right choices.
Tasa wrote:
I am happily married, have been for 8+ years. Before my wife I was in a long term realationship with this other women things fell apart for reasons I can't truely understand. And she walked out of my life for what I though was forever.

Well recently she sent me an email and we talked over IMs for a long time I came apon a very scary discovery. I still love her. I never stopped loving her. I however love my wife very much. I just think I love the other one more. Lots more. But I don't know. I don't know what to do. I love her so much. I love my wife so much. I just love my old love so much more.

What do I do?








LIFE IS A COMPROMISE!!!!!!!!!! Exclamation
I agree with most of what has been stated before. If you're positive that you just love your wife because of your kids think of what is going to happen when they grow up. They aren't going to be around as much and it will be just you and your wife. But also, if your wife seems willing to go the extra mile and make it a true marriage, just for the two of you regardless of the children or not then I'd say to stay. Becuase who's to say the same reason you broke up with your ex won't happen again? Oh yea, I also agree with the person above me. Don't open the email until your positive it's a done deal, you'll just be opening yourself up to needless temptations.
Sever all ties with this past affair, forget it after you have learned from it.

I won't mince words, just cut the ties that bond.
It has been so much time since this happened (2006), but I needed to say something here so much that I registered just because of that.

I truly believe in these principles about human beings:

- People don't change. She didn't change for good, neither you did. If you didn't have the same problems with your wife is because she is different. Because she can stand or she does not care about those defects of yours.
- Human being is polygamist by nature. We are programmed to have sex as much as we can with as many different individuals we can. Nature acts in mammals (and other animals with sexual reproduction) by programming the individuals in this way: the more mixed the genetic material is, the better. Natural selection is also involved in this. If people get married, if they devote their lives just to one individual is because of culture, religion, some kind of brain development that allows the human being to get over lots of basic animal features and because human being is a social animal that likes to grow older with someone inseparable and compromised to be together. But human being is not monogamist by nature.

My conclusions are that you brain is telling you that you love more that woman, but that is not true at all. Your brain is just ordering you, in a tricky and confusing way, to reproduce with someone else again and again. Your animal part is betraying you.

But let me tell you that you can stop it. You are letting your primitive brain think for yourself, and finally, if you let it, act for yourself. Avoid it. Get over your burden, don't trust your animal part, because you will be alone afterwards. Remember the first rule: people don't change. They learn, but they don't change.

If what you say is true and you actually are not getting confused about your love toward your wife, you love way much more your wife because you didn't think about your ex in 8 years of marriage. So, are you joking? You are just confused by your primitive brain for the reasons I mentioned. Let your cortex think for you. Do it.

If you are confused about your love toward your wife and you are really trying to "convince yourself" that everything is OK with your wife and you love her so much, then that does not do anything but hurt you.

And it also proves the theory that human beings are polygamy by nature.

EDIT: I read that you don't know if you love your wife because of the children or what. Then I leave my words here because it is my general opinion, but I see your case is an UNHAPPY marriage. Clarify things in your mind.
Tasa, this must be a very hard situation, and I do feel for you.

The person i loved beyond anything left me also, ironically for someone who'm she said she realised she loved more than myself! I can relate to what you're saying from both sides of these relationships you have.

I think it's extremely important that you pursue your true passion, and I think that's with your ex that left you. Do you forgive her, do you know why things happened as they did?

With your wife, it's extremely important that you support her and inform her of any decisions you have made before you pull through with them... As important as it is to pursue your happiness with the person you love the most, your wife may also have strong dependancies on you; it would be unfair to do anything unexpectadly that could seriously hurt her.

I hope everything goes okay, and that you work something great out with your kids and these women, I'm sure you can make it work!
Mrs Lycos
What I can say is that you've put a lot of information about how your ex is like, and all about her, and what you talked with her then and now, and very little about your wife, you just stated that you were happily married, then that she said that you were together only for the children. Then you talked about your children. Very little about your wife.

I'd say talk more to your wife, talk more about your wife, busy your mind about your current life, because you've invested 8 years of your life that lead you to this here and now. Before thinking about someone new, think about the meaning of what you have - everything, not only the children, everything you've built so far, and you did this TOGETHER with your wife.

Why did she say that? were you arguing? did you tell her about this other woman? A relationship is based in trust, and confidence, and I certainly believe that my partner is also my best friend. Maybe this situation can strengthen your relationship. Try, try hard. Don't give up and don't throw overboard what you've built - without the other woman in your life, but with your wife.
UlrikeSE wrote:
Sever all ties with this past affair, forget it after you have learned from it.

I won't mince words, just cut the ties that bond.
You said exactly what I want to say Exclamation
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