Steve's Joke of the Day

[FuN]goku

Ok im gonna try to post a joke a day for you guys Wink

so here we go.

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have! moved twice telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Tony Blair's ?" asked the man.

" Tony's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Cya Tomorrow

Blaster

That was great. If only i knew who Tony Blair was. Very Happy

aciminsk

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' 'Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a
masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the
feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (''el computador''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[FuN]goku

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.
cya tomorrow Wink

[FuN]goku

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely
asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've
just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fecking cat."

cya tomorrow Wink

brilliantbeauty

ha! Those are good, keep ti up! Laughing

[FuN]goku

ahh missed a few days :/ 3 jokes then

1) Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.

One Texan turned to the other and said “That little gal is havin‘ a bad time. I’m agonna go over there and help.”
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his BIG Texan hands and asked “Kin ya swaller?”

Gasping she shook her head “No”.

He asked “Kin ya breathe?”

Still gasping she again shook her head “No”.

With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ar$e. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said “Ya‘ know it’s sure amazin‘ how that hind-lick maneuver always works!”

2)I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.

3)** Always check email address b4 hitting send button **

A man checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing hiserror, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: June 3, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It is damn hot down here !!

cya next time Wink

Blaster

They are soo funny. I can't stop laughing at the last one that is for sure Very Happy

@aciminsk knowing spanish i find it funny. Because it is la computadora. Very Happy

viperbattlefield

Blaster

It would be better if that one was George Bush Very Happy

[FuN]goku

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set
her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She
seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in
her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten
her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the
other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to
her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all
right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

sorry havent been posting on weekends cuz im busy
cya tomorrow

Mr Smith