It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, John Major, woke up in a swamp. It was the tenth time it had happened. Feeling excessively concerned, John Major stroked a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved Georg Bush's Diary was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Ian Paisley. John Major had known Ian Paisley for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were striking ones. Ian Paisley was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. John Major called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Ian Paisley picked up to a very sad John Major. Ian Paisley calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters belch before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually earnestly shudder *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting John Major. Why was Ian Paisley trying to distract John Major? Because he had snuck out from John Major's with the Georg Bush's Diary only three days prior. It was a exotic little Georg Bush's Diary... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before John Major got back to the subject at hand: his Georg Bush's Diary. Ian Paisley sneezed. Relunctantly, Ian Paisley invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Georg Bush's Diary. John Major grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Ian Paisley realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Georg Bush's Diary and he had to do it aimlessly. He figured that if John Major took the tricycle, he had take at least eleven minutes before John Major would get there. But if he took the Ford Capri? Then Ian Paisley would be barely screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Ian Paisley was interrupted by nine clueless a zebras that were lured by his Georg Bush's Diary. Ian Paisley yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he aggressively reached for his ninja star and skillfully deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Ford Capri rolling up. It was John Major.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of wolverines, so he knew he was running late. With a deft leap, John Major was out of the Ford Capri and went charismatically jaunting toward Ian Paisley's front door. Meanwhile inside, Ian Paisley was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Georg Bush's Diary into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his hammock. Ian Paisley was stunned but at least the Georg Bush's Diary was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Ian Paisley explosively purred. With a mighty push, John Major opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive genocidal maniac in a rice rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Ian Paisley assured him. John Major took a seat vaguely close to where Ian Paisley had hidden the Georg Bush's Diary. Ian Paisley turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But John Major was distracted. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Ian Paisley noticed a funny-smelling look on John Major's face. John Major slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Ian Paisley felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when John Major asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Georg Bush's Diary right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on John Major's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. John Major nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Ian Paisley could react, John Major randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Georg Bush's Diary was plainly in view.
John Major stared at Ian Paisley for what what must've been ten nanoseconds. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, Ian Paisley groped explosively in John Major's direction, clearly desperate. John Major grabbed the Georg Bush's Diary and bolted for the door. It was locked. Ian Paisley let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, John Major,' he rebuked. Ian Paisley always had been a little selfish, so John Major knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Ian Paisley did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at him or something. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he gripped his Georg Bush's Diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Ian Paisley looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from John Major. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for John Major. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Ian Paisley walked over to the window and looked down. John Major was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, John Major was struggling to make his way through the fanstic pumpkin patch behind Ian Paisley's place. John Major had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral a zebras suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Georg Bush's Diary. One by one they latched on to John Major. Already weakened from his injury, John Major yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of a zebras running off with his Georg Bush's Diary.
About ten hours later, John Major awoke, his taint throbbing. It was dark and John Major did not know where he was. Deep in the enchanting bush, John Major was abnormally lost. A few unfulfilled decades later, he remembered that his Georg Bush's Diary was taken by the a zebras. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enormous a zebra emerged from the disease-infested jungle. It was the alpha a zebra. John Major opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the a zebra sunk its teeth into John Major's fingernail. With a faint groan, the life escaped from John Major's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than eight miles away, Ian Paisley was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Georg Bush's Diary. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened banana. With a deft thrust, he buried it deeply into his scalp. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about John Major... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Georg Bush's Diary that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant a zebras, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
Ian Paisley picked up to a very sad John Major. Ian Paisley calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters belch before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually earnestly shudder *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting John Major. Why was Ian Paisley trying to distract John Major? Because he had snuck out from John Major's with the Georg Bush's Diary only three days prior. It was a exotic little Georg Bush's Diary... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before John Major got back to the subject at hand: his Georg Bush's Diary. Ian Paisley sneezed. Relunctantly, Ian Paisley invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Georg Bush's Diary. John Major grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Ian Paisley realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Georg Bush's Diary and he had to do it aimlessly. He figured that if John Major took the tricycle, he had take at least eleven minutes before John Major would get there. But if he took the Ford Capri? Then Ian Paisley would be barely screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Ian Paisley was interrupted by nine clueless a zebras that were lured by his Georg Bush's Diary. Ian Paisley yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he aggressively reached for his ninja star and skillfully deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Ford Capri rolling up. It was John Major.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of wolverines, so he knew he was running late. With a deft leap, John Major was out of the Ford Capri and went charismatically jaunting toward Ian Paisley's front door. Meanwhile inside, Ian Paisley was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Georg Bush's Diary into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his hammock. Ian Paisley was stunned but at least the Georg Bush's Diary was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Ian Paisley explosively purred. With a mighty push, John Major opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive genocidal maniac in a rice rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Ian Paisley assured him. John Major took a seat vaguely close to where Ian Paisley had hidden the Georg Bush's Diary. Ian Paisley turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But John Major was distracted. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Ian Paisley noticed a funny-smelling look on John Major's face. John Major slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Ian Paisley felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when John Major asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Georg Bush's Diary right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on John Major's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. John Major nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Ian Paisley could react, John Major randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Georg Bush's Diary was plainly in view.
John Major stared at Ian Paisley for what what must've been ten nanoseconds. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, Ian Paisley groped explosively in John Major's direction, clearly desperate. John Major grabbed the Georg Bush's Diary and bolted for the door. It was locked. Ian Paisley let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, John Major,' he rebuked. Ian Paisley always had been a little selfish, so John Major knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Ian Paisley did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at him or something. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he gripped his Georg Bush's Diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Ian Paisley looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from John Major. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for John Major. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Ian Paisley walked over to the window and looked down. John Major was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, John Major was struggling to make his way through the fanstic pumpkin patch behind Ian Paisley's place. John Major had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral a zebras suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Georg Bush's Diary. One by one they latched on to John Major. Already weakened from his injury, John Major yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of a zebras running off with his Georg Bush's Diary.
About ten hours later, John Major awoke, his taint throbbing. It was dark and John Major did not know where he was. Deep in the enchanting bush, John Major was abnormally lost. A few unfulfilled decades later, he remembered that his Georg Bush's Diary was taken by the a zebras. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enormous a zebra emerged from the disease-infested jungle. It was the alpha a zebra. John Major opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the a zebra sunk its teeth into John Major's fingernail. With a faint groan, the life escaped from John Major's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than eight miles away, Ian Paisley was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Georg Bush's Diary. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened banana. With a deft thrust, he buried it deeply into his scalp. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about John Major... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Georg Bush's Diary that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant a zebras, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
