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Man smokes cigarette, dies instantly





noexes89
I had this weird idea for an April Fools Day gag and posted it on my site. I woundered what you guys think.

Quote:
Man smokes cigarette, dies instantly

Jacob Horner was hoping to spend his after-work hours relaxing in a bar in Whachiworg, Kansas on the first of April, 2006, but he tragically decided to smoke a cigarette with his beer. Doctors say the nicotine caused a rare kind of lung cancer called broncosuck carscausecoma to grow, turning his lungs into useless bags of air. He leaves behind no wife or kids, just a job at the Stewart Balloon factory.

Bar owner Ted Smith was a witness to the event: “He just lit up, took a puff and fell right off his chair. Damnest thing. I started to crack up and the rest of the bar did too. When we saw that he was dead we shut up good. ‘Cept for Macy, but no one likes em.”

Despite the fact that it can cause instant death, co-worker Jessica Michaels continues her pack a day habit. She told HQN, “Days around Stewart Balloon can get pretty dull. I realised the other day that it’s probably because there are not enough ways to die around here. I don’t think of lung cancer as some shadowy menace, but just a childhood friend of mine playing tag.

Leslie Feldman, a student at nearby Kansas-Parker College, used the incident to continue her crusade against tobacco use. She told newspapers, “This incident shows that tobacco can kill in many ways, even in ways we have yet to discover. Will we let tobacco hang around long enough to discover all the ways it can kill us?”
carriage_return
Quote:
“Days around Stewart Balloon can get pretty dull. I realised the other day that it’s probably because there are not enough ways to die around here. I don’t think of lung cancer as some shadowy menace, but just a childhood friend of mine playing tag."

Jessica Michaels


My good Lord, dear lad, you had me cracking up laughing with that witty thing you wrote right there. I just love the whole zanny and sarcastic line of thought of that old lassie. Make sure you bring her over and soften her tongue for more of that black cat humor about gloomy days at bore town.

carriage_return

P.D. [so, what I meant is ... write us more of Stewart Balloon and its crazy old folks, tired with life]
Blaster
How does that have to do with april fools?

It makes no sense.
Marston
Must've been a Marijuana cigarette.
SFMeatwad
Marijuana is not worse than a cigarette. The only side effect of it is permanent/temporary memory loss- and a headache in the morning. (Not that I have done it, just some people told me..And Internet) One beer can do damage of 12 cigars and marijuana is like 1/415149085481039 of a cigarette.

Why it's illegal, we don't know. Mostly because the government don't want us having fun and selling it. It's like, if people sold cigars or cigarettes in the streets, they would get busted and they would become illegal. That's how it is. Marijuana is too expensive, though. More side effects.

I am just making a point. Other than that, the story is kind of weird. Beer and nicotine inhance each other and make each other more powerful and more "purer" effects in the body's system. The lung cancer was pretty huge in this guy and "bam", he's dead. It could happen to anybody that has lung cancer and then drinks and smokes.
windval
how terrible~~

my father smoke cigarette too~~

oh my god~~

it is terrible~
Excellence
It sucks but this wont happen to anyone. if you want to die just like him then you have like 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% you even die like him :S
DeFwh
If it was one of those special cigs from YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE it could happen see its possible.
Jeslyn
Odd. Very odd. But whatever floats your boat, I suppose.
skaccomatto
This is just insane!!

But I would prefer to die instantly then slowly and painfully...
DarkGoku
DeFwh wrote:
YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE


Whaa?
DeFwh
THat james bond movie where the cig shoots out a dart when you smoke it.
TonkPilz
actually ppl have died after ther 1st ciggaret by a allergyic reaction. that dosent mather tho coz thaywhar fools to even try it im a smoker my self so i know as for ppl that never smoked hase noting to say about it Razz

flame on Razz
dz9c
people who smoke cigarettes = no point
noexes89
Quote:
how terrible~~

my father smoke cigarette too~~

oh my god~~

it is terrible~


Oh, ummm, yea. In case you didn't get it, what I wrote about didn't really happen. You know that Far Side comic where the dinosaurs are smoking and the caption says "The real reason the dinosaurs became extinct?" It takes what people think about smoking, about how dangerous it is, and morphs it to a ridiculous conclusion. That's the kind of thing I was going for here. Most people, including people who smoke, actually think smoking is more dangerous than it really is (I read it in the The Tipping Point). I don't think that smoking is something that you should do, just as I don't think that puffing Marrajana is something you should do. Yet my opinion is based not on propaganda but on personal feelings about personality altering substances.

Anyway, he didn't have an allergic reaction or lung cancer before the incident that got really bad at that moment. I've never heard of people dieing from smoking like that. But Jacob here got broncosuck carscausecoma from that first puff and died instantly from it.

carriage_return wrote:
Quote:
“Days around Stewart Balloon can get pretty dull. I realised the other day that it’s probably because there are not enough ways to die around here. I don’t think of lung cancer as some shadowy menace, but just a childhood friend of mine playing tag."

Jessica Michaels


My good Lord, dear lad, you had me cracking up laughing with that witty thing you wrote right there. I just love the whole zanny and sarcastic line of thought of that old lassie. Make sure you bring her over and soften her tongue for more of that black cat humor about gloomy days at bore town.

carriage_return

P.D. [so, what I meant is ... write us more of Stewart Balloon and its crazy old folks, tired with life]


If you were wondering about what the heck is going on here, I have a kind of explanation. I was thinking about why people would want to smoke if it really was powerful enough to make a species extinct. Probably it's because they want to die. Not incidentally, I thought this up after watching Fight Club.

Anyway, a much better way to add some danger to your working life than smoking is to poison your potato chips. Put the stuff on one of them, throw it back in the bag and toss it around a bit. Lets see how lucky you are!

Wow, I'm a horrible person.
Marston
SFMeatwad wrote:
Marijuana is not worse than a cigarette. The only side effect of it is permanent/temporary memory loss- and a headache in the morning. (Not that I have done it, just some people told me..And Internet) One beer can do damage of 12 cigars and marijuana is like 1/415149085481039 of a cigarette.

Why it's illegal, we don't know. Mostly because the government don't want us having fun and selling it. It's like, if people sold cigars or cigarettes in the streets, they would get busted and they would become illegal. That's how it is. Marijuana is too expensive, though. More side effects.

I am just making a point. Other than that, the story is kind of weird. Beer and nicotine inhance each other and make each other more powerful and more "purer" effects in the body's system. The lung cancer was pretty huge in this guy and "bam", he's dead. It could happen to anybody that has lung cancer and then drinks and smokes.
Dude, I was kidding.

I was also making a social commentary.
yule
Smokes the injurious to health. Surprised
stormybaka
That's not the weirdest... Was reading fortean times this morning and some article about a guy dying of an alcohol enema. People can be such freaks... Fun huh?
Helios
That's horrible..

About cigs.. I never understood why people smoke. Not when I was a kid(some of my friends already were addicted) nor today.

Maybe it depends on one's personality. For example, I always believed that I'm spiritually stronger than others, probably because of that I don't smoke and never tried drugs.
rsheehan
Cigarettes really do kill... I have personal experience with people in my family who have been killed by cigarettes. they are so terrible that they cause you to become addicted and feel like you need them. it's very hard to quit. and it's annoying when you smell cigarette smoke everywhere... :-/
godam64
cigarette contains so many toxic that have bad effect to health, so smoking is 99,99% bad. if someone list the good and bad, so we will see the truth about smoking. become a smoker is the same as become a slave of an addicted stuff, not any better than drugs.
no wonder there are people die caused by smoking cigarette. cigarette is toxic. but the good effect is smoking will reduce the world population and will raise the doctors amount Smile
TurkishGamer
This article is hilarious. I bet a lot of people would actually believe it if they saw it on a real news website. If I saw this on www.newsday.com or www.nytimes.com I would probably believe it.

Maybe we should ask some news companies to do this next year. The next April fools day would be in about 350 days so there is a long time publish another one
Kael
Now, I find the original post to be hilarious. Some of the reactions, however, just infuriate me.

First of all, marijuana doesn't kill...... and I'm sick of those stupid ads that they run here in the US about it. Trying to scare people. The truth is, pot is safer than alchohol. I know because I smoked plenty of it in high school. But that was 12 years ago.
My best friend is still a MAJOR pothead. It hasn't done anything to him but make him think he has a sense of humor and laugh at his own stupid little jokes. He still has a high learning capacity, has a good job, and is doing ver well....... and he's been smoking pot for about 16 years .... EVERY DAY.

Now Alcohol ....... I like to drink. I'm not an ancoholic, but I do drink often.
It hasnt made my liver rot, I havent killed myself, and I havent killed anyone else. I've enjoyed drinking since I was about 15 .... I'm 30 now.

A good thing to remember is moderation. Getting whacked out of your brain just for the hell of it 24/7 is not not what I'm talking about.

See, we have a problem here in the US, especially in the southern states. The government wants to control everything that everyone does. So do the churches. And they do it through the use of fear. The church uses God and the Government uses it's warped version of scientific studies, only telling parts of the truth.
I've been drinking and smoking cigarettes for years, and the truth is that I have a higher chance of getting hity by a car.
mae1strom
damn
Apolytes
I get the joke, and its somewhat humorous. But i dont get the connection with april fools day. Anyone care to explain?
ladyrobina
Smoke one cigarette and die? Sounds like the answer to my prayers, because I am allergic to second hand smoke and can't go anywhere people are smoking.
Here in Aus the government is gradually introducing laws to ban smoking in public places, so things are getting better from my point of vies. In July it will no longer be allowed inside pubs and clubs, only in designated areas outside. Personally I would just as rather sit on the verandah and let the smokers do their polluting inside. It would be bad for the staff working there however. A friend of mine had to resign from a club job because the smoke was making her cough all the time.
dyrtyrice
HAHAHAHA Very nice anti-smoking propaganda! Damn, even though this is a joke...I should still quit. Ah well off to smoke again!
noexes89
Apolytes wrote:
I get the joke, and its somewhat humorous. But i dont get the connection with april fools day. Anyone care to explain?


The only real connection is that some people might have thought it really happened. April fools!? Yea, it doesn't make much sence.

Anyway, I added a few pargraphs to the thing for the heck of it.

Quote:
The cigarettes that killed Mr. Horner were purchased at a nearby Walgreens from store clerk Frank Smith. Frank was decimated by the news: “To think, I handed him the vary thing that killed him. Why didn’t he ask for a pack of Nicorette in the case just to the left of the Marlboros?”

“Jacob’s death proves every assumption that smoking is bad for you, that it’s deadlier than guns and fatty foods,” says local health teacher Jessica Horbits. A student in her class responds, “Now guns and smoking combined, that’s really deadly. Really awesome though.”


And a new conclusion:

Quote:
Funeral services for the deceased are to be held at Whachiworg Christ-Love Baptist Church on April 15. Most of the attendees are expected to spend the services thinking of witty ways to continue the arguments they had on the way to the funeral.
boysrule
Whoa.. Never really heard someone whould have died "Instantly" by smoking cigrette. Confused Support Anti-smoking Ad's !!
skygaia
I can't believe that.
I know that smoking might be dangerous to me. But I like to smoke.
even though a lot of doctors warned serious problelms of smoking, I think it is just possibility. it doesn't happen to everyone. so.. not me... ^^

But these days I faced stronger warning about smoking. that is my wife's warning. she told me "if i stop smoking, she will be at her mother's house with my son..."... so, I have to quit smoking....
Soulfire
I guess I missed the humor in it.
The_Gamer294
it sounds fake in some parts but other than that its alright. its a good way to get people to stop smoking.
mying
I think the government has been doing quite a good jb in discouraging people to smoke.... The cigaratte prices has been increased. and many places have now made smoking a prohibited practice. I think the best way to prevent teenagers from smoking is to educate them through school & families...Just like showing them a blackened, distorted,filthy lung & taking them to meet lung cancer patients will help. Do u agree with my opinion......?
Innercynic
smoking is pointless what a waste of time and money
mying
but i think the government hasn't done enough. look at the teenagers on the streets.. a lot of then ate still puffing ... and there are still people who smoke on a bus , neglecting the warning signs, I wonder how many people are actually prosecuted and fined for smoking in a non smoking area... Evil or Very Mad
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