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sms jokes





splash
Put your crash helmet on, you're going through the head board.

Do you believe in love at first sight...or do I have to walk by again?

There's a gap in your life! Mind if I fill it!

I'm not Fred Flintstone but i can make your bedrock!

Wanna play Pearl Harbor? That's where I lay down and you blow the hell out of me.

Hey let's go ****** and do the talking later.

Girl, how long have you been in the oven, cause I know I felt something rising.

Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?

Here's 10p ring home and tell your mum that you wont be coming home tonight!

I'm new in town, can you give me directions to your flat?

Your daddy must have been a hunter because you're a fox!

Hey, is your dad a terrorist? Cos baby, you're the bomb!

Do you want to go and do what I'm going to tell my mates we did anyway?

I looked up sexy in the dictionary today and your name was listed

I lost my phone number, can I have yours?

Is it hot in here or is it you?

****** me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.

My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

Get your coat love, you've pulled.

I didn't believe in angels until I meet you!

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

You are so hot, its girls like you that are the real reason for global warming

Hi, how do you like your eggs in the morning? Scrambled or fertilized?

Hi, my name's Richard, will you be my Pretty Woman?

Have you ever been to the moon ? no ! sit on my rocket and I will take you there

If its cash your after drop your drawers and the moneys yours

Was you father a cement mixer? Because you sure make me hard.

Can you fix watches? Then put 2 hands on that!

I'm like Domino's Pizza, if you don't come in 30 minutes the next one is free...

You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

Do you like jewelry? Suck this, it's a gem!

You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

do u believe in love at first site or do i have to walk by again

if i said u had a hot body would u hold it against me

My magical watch says you aren't wearing any underwear!
Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast.

"r ur legs tired"? coz uve been runnin through my mined all day

There are 256 bones in your body! Would u like another?

if i cood re arrange da alphabet i wood put u and i together

ive lost my teddy bear.......do u want to sleep with me tonight?

is youre father a robber ? well who stole the stars and put them in ure eyes ?

U gotta B a parking ticket or something coz u got the word FINE written All over ya!

im no fred flintstone but i'll make ur bedrock

3 good manners of male penis. 1)Courteous-it stands before performing. 2)Emotional-it cries during the performance. 3)Polite-it bows down after the performance.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - Use birth control!

Man says to his wife: Let me take a picture of your breasts, than I can always look at them. Wife: Let me take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged.

Today, in style are small cars, watches, skirts and mobile-phones... It will come the time when SMALL PENIS will be in style, and then you will be the man!!!

Whats hairy on the outside and moist inside, begins with a 'C' ends with a 'T' and has U' and 'N' in the middle? Answer: 'COCUNUT'

Wat's the diff between pulling a curtain and a panty? ANS: When U pull a curtain, it means tat the show is over. But pulling down a panty means IT'S SHOWTIME!

What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg? Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

When im dead and in my grave, no more pussy i will crave. And upon my headstone will be seen, here lies the bones of a f**king machine.

Press down... down more... Ok more... YES ahh ohh yes... almost there... yeah oh shit harder... SO GOOD...! mmmmm... That's how I sex on text!

Man1: my wife is obsess w/ cars. While asleep, she holds my bird & say 'Ferari,Porsche...' Man2: mine is worst, she puts my bird inside her & say 'Full Tank pls.'

A girl asked, why cow seems depressed when being milked? Teacher: if every morning they rub yours 4 30 minutes and don't f**k u, u will feel the same?

How do you keep 4 blondes entertained in a bar? Turn the bar stool upside down.

CUSTOMER NOTIFICATION. As of May 2001 Viagra will only be available through chemists by its chemical name.So please ask for MYCOXAFLOPPIN. Thank you

Do you like maths, if so add a bed, subtract ur clothes, divide your legs and we can multiply!

*NEWSFLASH* Snow white had been chucked out of Disney Land. She was reported 2 hav pulled up her skirt, sat on Pinnochio's face and shouted, 'LIE BASTARD LIE'

I really, deeply wish tat u r here wif me in my room, on my bed & lights is off & we get under the cover together.. 2 show u my.. new watch tat glow in the dark

Penis & Balls arguing. Balls: Hey, U r very unfair! Everytime u go in u never bring us along, only u enjoy! Penis: Eh, U think its fun? I always keep vomiting!

Last night I desperately missed you I wanted to feel u on my naked body. I had to go to bed without you....where are u stupid pyjamas.....!

I love the way it rubs against the soft pink flesh.. and creates a creamy foamy liquid as it thrusts in and out, up and down... Cant wait to brush my teeth

I wish I were a ring Upon my girlfriend's hand, 'Cause everytime she'd wipe her rear I'd see the promised land....

What is the dumbest part on a man's body? The penis. It has a head with no brain, it hangs out with two nuts and it lives around the corner from an ******!

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support people are going to think we're nuts!

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your nuts. This is no ordinary blow job!

What did the Dick say to the Condom? 'Cover me!!! I'm going in...'

I'd willingly fertilize Mary, And watch for 9 months her shape vary, From the very first day, To the child-birth display, When her tits would turn into a dairy.

Suspense how do you keep an idiot in suspense ??? ............. ............ ...tell you later !!!

Statistics At this moment 5 million are having sex 2 million are in gun fights 91milliom at a party and one sad ****** is reading this SMS

Farmer Joneshas farmer Joneshas got no sheep,
isn't life a drag?
coz they're all burning in a field
he's got no sheep to shag

Gary Gliter *Newsflash*
The FA have just announced garly gliter the next England Coach.
The appontment collapsed after he tried to put seaman in the under 15's

Ba Ba White Sheep ba ba white sheep grazing on sum grass when a maff official shoots it up the ass burnt by mornin fumes fill the sky less meat 4 kebabs & shepherds pie

Leather Heather there was a young girl called heather,whos ****** lips were made of leather they made a strange noise that attracted the boys by flapping the edges together

Little Miss Drugy little miss drugy sat in a buggy smoking a pipe of weed along came a spider skinned up beside her and sold her some acid and speed.

Jack and Jill Jack & Jill went 2 the dairy, Jack popped out his big'n airy, Jill said "WOW WOT A WHOPPER let's go home & DO IT PROPER

IRA what do you do if a irish man through's a pin at you ... ... you run cause he's got a grenade in his mouth

Dear Mammy love annie There was a young girl from Wick, who asked her mum what's a prick, her mother said Annie it goes up your fanny and jumps up and down till it's sick.

****** Sucker Detecotor This is a ****** sucker detector
Please blow in the phone..... .. scanning....
The test was positive 90percent sperm breath...
****** SUCKER !!

Pink Vagina Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?
A pink rose with loveley details.
And after sex?
Boy, ever seen a bulldog eating maiyonnaise?

Red Riding Hood Bad wolf told red riding hood. Lift your top so i can suck your tits.
No she said lifting her skirt.
Eat me like the ****** book says!

****** for money sex is good sex is funny many people ****** for money
but if you think sex is funny ****** yourself and safe your money

thE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN't cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe, thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe...

True friends are like Diamonds... they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves... they are scattered everywhere.

REMEMBER: if u need a ******, u can always count on me bcoz F.U.C.K stands for FRIENDS U CAN KEEP. ****** 4ever, & promise me that we ****** till eternity!

FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forGet but how U forGive, Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand, Not what U see but how U feel, and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!!

FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn'T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd, BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~!

If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ........... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED!

FRIENDSHIP is like a tree... It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be, but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN...

Without humor, life sux. Without courage, life is hard. Without love, life is hopeless. Without friends like you, life is impossible!

A good friend is like a computer; me 'enter' ur life, 'save' u in my heart, 'format' ur problems, 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory!

In this WORLD, where everything seems UNCERTAIN, only one thing is DEFINITE. You'll always be my FRIEND, beyond WORDS, beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE!

I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends.

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.

A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good bye.

The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you.

I met U as a stranger, I leave U as a friend, as long as the world stands, our friendship nv ends. All friends nv split N even if they do they will meet again.

I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling, but I realised tat loving a friend is even better, we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends.

EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE, ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat, LifE woUlD be BORING, WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U...

DuRiNg OuR FrIeNdShIp, ThErE wIlL B TiMeS U wOn't SeE Me BeSiDe U, DuN ThInK I LeFt U BeHiNd, I JuSt ChOsE To WaLk BeHiNd U So I CaN CaTcH U WhEn U Fall...

GUY: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. GAL: If I see you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

After making love, wat r u tryin to say? I love u? Wrong! 1 more time? Wrong. U r so pretty?Wrong. I'm so tired? Wrong! The answer is tissue...tissue...plsss!!!

A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum. what is a kiss without a tongue.

A man was looking at a painting 4 a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing & he answered - waitng 4 autumn.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt N a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase N the handle came off. I'm afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom.

1 day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

We gain and lose things every day. But trust me on one thing: YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME! I will always be there as a friend!

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

The times we shared is like shooting star... the time is short but really beautiful moments.... Forever engraved in our hearts.... Friends forever~!!!

KeEping a FRIEND is As Difficult AS losing one. U sacrifice A lot To keep them. I may not have sacrificed enuf 4 u... but in my HEART I swear I'm keeping U..

We've known each other by CHANCE, became friends by CHOICE, still friends by DECISION. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER, that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE!

If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!!

A ring is round and has no end.... and that's how long I'll be your friend.

There is a gift that gold cannot buy, a blessing dats rare & true, dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u!

Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart, ill always value u deep within my heart!

A friend is never a coincidence in your life, they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. So, i will treasure the friendship between us.

Everyone hears what you say... Friends listen to what you say... Best friends listen to what you don't say...
Love Jokes

Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

TaLk 2 me wHen i'm boReD, kiSS me wHen i'm saD, hug me wHen i cRy, caRe 4 me wHen i diE, loVe me When i'm sTill Alive...

It is not being in love that makes me happy... but is being in love with YOU that makes me happy.

Its hard to find someone whom you truly love, much less to find someone who loves you as much. When the chance comes, don't ever let go.

Cherish the person you love, never tell lies or attempt to hurt them because you won't know how important they are until they are out of your life...

Who cares whether this is a poem or rhyme, I will love you until the end of time...

A sMiLe tO pUt You On HiGh... A KisS To Set YoUr SouL ALriGhT... WouLd iT bE aLriGhT iF I spEnT ToNiTe BeiNg LovED bY YoU???

Never WasTe an OppOrtuniTy 2 sAy 'I LoVe U' to Someone u ReaLLy Like, Coz it is noT EvEryDaY u'll mEEt tHe PerSoN WhO hAs tHe MaGic 2 lEt u fAll iN love...

True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.

Without humor, life sux. Without courage, life is hard. Without love, life is hopeless. Without friends like you, life is impossible!

FiRsT NiTe, FiRsT SiGhT, I SaW, I KnEw, LoVe's SwEEtEr ThAn MoUnTaiN DeW, A pRoMiSe I mAdE and' WiLL kEEp, 2 LoVe YOU aLwAys~

LovE is Not HoW LonG U've BeeN 2gEthEr; nOt HoW MucH U've GIvEn oR RecEivE; Not hOw MaNy TimEs U've HeLpEd EaCh OthEr --- Its HoW U VALUE EaCh OtHEr...

i ht Sm|g jSt tO prEtD 'M Ot hUrt. htE to gGgl tO Show 'll okY. hAtE tO laUgh aFtEr Cry. Stll lovE YOU t 'V t SaY gooDbY...

Don't regret what you've did, but regret what you never did, go and say 'I LOVE U' to your loved one!

Love makes life so confusing but without love would you want to live?

Love Is When You Don't Want To Go To Sleep, Because Reality Is Better Than A Dream.

wOrLd iS cRueL, LoVe iS bLinD. LoSt iN sAdnEsS, BluR In miND. HeArT iS bRoKeN, fLaMe hAd DiEd. TiMe HaS pAsSeD bUt wHy iS hE... sTiLL nOt mInE...

No one is too young for love, because love doesn't come from your mind, which knows your age, but from your heart, which knows no age.

Love is like a cloud... love is like a dream... love is 1 word and everything in between... love is a fairytale come true... Coz I found love when I found U.

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what hurts more is to love someone, and never find the courage to let them know how you feel.

It takes a minute to have a crush, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

I'm scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because every time I fall in love... it never seems to last.

People say you only fall in love once, but when I hear your voice I fall in love all over again

Love is to think about someone else more times in a day than you think about yourself.

There are times when I fall in love with someone new, but I always seem to find myself back in love with you.

The hardest thing you'll ever do is watch the one u love, love someone else.

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.

Always draw a circle around the ones you love, never draw a heart because hearts can be broken, but circles are never ending.

I'd rather be hated for who I am then be loved for who I'm not

Trying to forget someone you loved is like trying to remember someone you never knew.

Dance like no one's watching; sing like no one's listening; love like you can't get hurt, and live like there's no tomorrow.

LoVe iS LiKe QuiCkSanD - ThE DeEpEr yOu FaLL iN iT ThE HaRdeR iT iS tO GeT OuT.

You showed me how it is to be loved. Now I know what really love is. 1 day we will be together forever. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.

There's a warmth in my heart. It haunts me when U R gone. Mend me 2 ur side and never let go. The more I live The more I know, wat's simple is true, I love you.

I feel something in my heart, it's like a little flame, every time I see you, this flame lights up, this flame is special for you, because I LOVE YOU!

If love were to be taxed,
I would be the highest tax payer.

you can't buy Love... but you can pay heavily.

Common sense is common, but... the use of common sense is uncommon !!!!

Promises are like babies, easy to give hard to deliver.

You need Money to call someone Honey.

My girlfriend told me, I should be more Affectionate, so i got two Girlfriends.

We can see more Grafitti's in girls toilet , WHY ?
Because their both hands are free.

Home : A place where you can scratch where it itches.

Doctor : A person who cures the ills by pills,and kills by his bills.

LOVE : Loss Of Valuable Energy

WIFE : Worries Invited For Ever

I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. U cry, I cry. U laugh.. I laugh. U jump out of d window.. I look down n then.. I laugh again.. hahaha

Friends are like stars. You can't always see them, But you know they are always there for you...

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

As long as we have memories, yesterday remains; as long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have Friendship, each day is never a waste.

a gd friend is like a gd bra... hard to find, very comfortable, supportive, and always close to the heart..... HELLO MY GD BRA Smile

GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with pricetags, Because..... if He did, I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!!

Never abandon old friends. They are hard 2 replace. Friendships is like wine: it gets BETTER as it grows OLDER. Just like us... i get BETTER, u get OLDER.

The sun is glazing, upon the sunlight i see the path of our friendship shining brightly knowing that it is so great to have a friend like YOU! Smile

Dear God, thank you for making me healthy. Can you also make me sexy? If you can't make me sexy, please make all my friends fat. Amen.

Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, Spontaneous, Good Looking, Nice Friends, Charming, Funny, well... Enough about ME! How about you?

A phone is a form of communication, a kiss is a form of affection. A picture is a form of remembrance, CHOOSING me as ur FRIEND is a form of.. ehem GOOD TASTE!

If U need a friend and there are a hundred steps between us, you can take the 1st step to get near me and i will take all 99 step to be there for you.

6 rules to be HAPPY: Free your heart from hatred; Free your mind from worries; Live simply; Expect less; Give more & Always have ME as UR FRIEND

Time might lead me to nowhere; Fate might break me apart; I'll always be thankful that once, along my life's journey I found a friend like U...

The fluffy clouds may kiss the sky, The rose may kiss the butterfly, The morning dew may kiss the grass,But u my friend can kiss my ass!

I wish I were a ring Upon my girlfriend's hand, 'Cause everytime she'd wipe her rear I'd see the promised land....

Friends are like a head of hair. You might lose some, but with enough $money$ you can buy them back.

A day is going to end again. It is nice to have a friend like U making my everyday seems so great. Thank U my good friend lastly gd nite n sweet dreams...

This sms can only be read by a SEXY person: Try again...... Nothing? Sorry, i guess your just not SEXY..HEY! dont force it, ugly git!!

Yo mama's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her.

Ive got a tongue that'll blow ur mind let me hit u wid a 69 kiss me, caress me, slowly undress me I may seem defenceless, but baby I can ****** u senseless.

Don't be sad... don't feel blue... Frankenstein was ugly too...

Wat's the diff between pulling a curtain and a panty? ANS: When U pull a curtain, it means tat the show is over. But pulling down a panty means IT'S SHOWTIME!

I really, deeply wish tat u r here wif me in my room, on my bed & lights is off & we get under the cover together.. 2 show u my.. new watch tat glow in the dark

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support people are going to think we're nuts!

Why are women like parking spaces?... Bcoz the good ones are always taken and the rest are all disabled!

A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home

According 2 Chinese Docs, a WoMaN'S BoDy HaS Five RooMS: 1.FACE-show room 2.BOOBS-play room 3.TUMMY-store room 4.VAGINA-men's room 5.ANUS-emergency room

Hi i'm an alien i'm checking for some chicks in your phonebook searching..... searching..... searching..... sorry no chicks found. conclusion, your are gay!

RECIPE 4 LUV CAKE:spread legs,squeeze + massage milk pots,check frequently with midfinger,add banana,work in-out till well

I once had a One2One with a virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me till my face went Orange, till busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

Humpty Dumpty ****** a fat ******, Humpty Dumpty blew on the floor. All the kings horses & all the kings men, laid the slut down & ****** her again!

NEWSFLASH:) Earthquake in Pakistan...50,000 dead...U.S.A sending money, France sending food, Britain sending replacement paki's!!!

i went for a walk with my uncle jim, when somebody threw a tomato
at him, tomatos dont hurt i replied with a grin. they ****** well
do when theyre still in the tin.....

Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny, well...Enough about ME! How about you?

Beat me bash me bite my bum, ill whip u strip u til u cum, suck me ****** me lick me out, pull my nipples til i shout

Birdy birdy in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye, I don't worry I don't cry, I'm just happy that cows can't fly!

sex is a sensation. It's about a man's temtation, putting his location in a woman's destination. Do you understand the explanation or do you need a demonstration?

BOY : May I hold your hand ??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

Advantages of breast milk
A. No need to boli
B. Cat cannot steal
C.available in attractive containers
D.Liked by all age groups
E.Ek Par Ek FREE

23 useless things in a man's body
20 nails cannot be hammered
2 balls u cannot throw
1 ****** cannot crow
Don't laugh gals ur pussy cannot catch mouse

Cocktail Is it d whiskey dat makes u frisky.Is it d brandy dat makes u randy,Is it d gin dat makes u slip in,Is it d rum dat makes u cum!

Triplets or Twins I want triplets, You want twins, Lets get in bed and see who wins!

satisfy a woman HOW 2 SATISFY A WOMAN; caress, excite, cuddle, fascinate, spoil, kiss, rub, tease, pamper, console, worship, respect & love.HOW 2 SATISFY A MAN; blow job

Life is like a dick Life is like a dick! When it's hard ****** it!

Rainbow Zippy & Bungle,went 2 da jungle havin sum marvelous fun, Zippy got silly,popped out his willy & stuck it up Bungles bum!

Love & War LETS PLAY WAR!! You lay down and i'll blow the shit out of you!

Little Girl When i was a girl,i had a little quim,i sat upon my bed & put a finger in,now im a woman & full of grace & charm,I can get 4fingers in & HALF MY ****** ARM!!

Virginity Virginity is like a balloon, one prick and it's gone forever!

Question Time Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on ur wall?
A)walnuts
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on ur chest?
A)chestnuts
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on ur chin?
A)a mouth full of ******!

The Truth QUESTION)Wots the difference between ur job & ur girlfriend?
ANSWER)ur job always sucks!!!!!

Pringles Sex is like a pack of Pringles! Once you pop, you can't stop!!

Marriage A man woz arranged 2 b married!He had a choice of 3 women!1st woz a rich docter,2nd woz a poor cleaner & 3rd woz a prostitute!WHO DID HE PICK?The 1 wiv big tits!

Getting Old U NO UR GETTIN OLD IF
1)if ur age woz ur shoe size theyd b a mile long
2)doin it 5 times a nite means gettin up to piss
3)the only way u get a 69 is playin bingo

Baby Please Of all the babes ur my selection,please dont giv me a rejection,my teeth are clean for ur inspection,so giv my mouth a tongue injection!

Pair of tights? HOW MANY ANIMALS CAN U FIT IN A PAIR OF TIGHTS? 10 little piggies,2 calves,1 ass,1 pussy,1 beaver,loads of hares & 1 smelly fish!

Sex+drugs Sex+drugs+rock+rave,lets get drunk & misbehav,on weed+speed +little e's,well get drunk & talk 2 trees,u only live once & den u die,so ****** em all & lets get high!

Men like toilets Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS
1)dey r always out of order
2)dey stink
3)the nice ones r always engaged
4)dey consume large amounts of liquid
5)r constantlt full of shit!

Mary's bush Mary Mary, quite contrary, trim that pussy its too damn hairy!!!

Horny Roses are red, voilets are corny, when i think of you babes it makes me so HORNY!!!

5 bad things 5 BAD THINGS 2 SAY 2 A NAKED GUY
1)so dis explains ur car!
2)but still work,right?
3)r u cold?
4)shood i get a pump?
5)so i guess dis makes me d early bird!

Hickory, dickory, dock Hickory, dickory, dock,dis bitch woz suckin me ******,da clock struck 2,i dumped me goo,& dropped her at da end of da block

Mary had a little lamb Mary had a little lamb,she kept it in da backyard,wen she took her panties off,his wooly dick got hard!

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater,had a wife & liked to beat her,smacked her twice around da head, ****** her arse & went 2 bed!

Being a student Being a student is so much fun,wen u have degrees in playin wiv tongues,if u be my teacher in how tongues flex,we'll both graduate in hot oral sex!

Down on her Knees Shes down on her knees,Eager to please,Wiv a throb of his nob in her gob,Wiv a tingle in his belly,his legs turn to jelly cos shes doin a ****** good job!

Cat and the Sausage A cat tries 2 get a sausage out of a river,but gets its paws wet,then it sees a bigger 1 but falls in!MORAL OF THE STORY?The bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy!

Oral sex Oral sex can b so fine,wen u do a 69,u start 2 shake,moan & quiver,den u cum just like a river,den u lick it up in vain,wipe ur lips and start again!

Mary's bike Mary had a little bike,she rode it bak 2 front,all the time the wheels went round the spokes went up her ******

NewsFlash *NEWSFLASH* Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 1000 tampons for ?1, No Strings attached but for a limited period ONLY! Its A bloody good deal !

Nutella I love when you stick your little fingers in me deep and lick it all . Love always , Nutella.

U and the Pope do u know what's the diference between U geting laid, and the pope geting laid?? if the pope gets laid, it's a sin, and if U get laid, its a miracle!! Smile

Old Days in days of old wen knights were bold + condoms wernt invented they tied socks around their cocks + people like u were prevented.

Sex, Drugs + Birthcontrol Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
Speed, weed and birthcontrol,
lifes a bitch, then u die,
so ****** the world
lets get high..

Kiss Me Kiss's r blown + kiss's r wasted kiss's rnt kiss's unless they r tasted, kiss's spread germz + germz hated, so kiss me BABE im vacinated!

How many letters How many letters are in the Alphabet?? Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a UFO and the FBI went after him!

My Roof? last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky.... then I thought where the ****** is my roof??

Foot and Mouth mary had a little lamb,its name was little ralph,its burnin in a field right now cos its got foot and mouth

Blondes What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop

Operator This is your mobile operator and we just found out you are too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it . Thank you

Blonde Womens legs what did the blondes womens left leg say to the blonde womens right leg? don't know they never met!

This Way Up Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H

I love you This time im sure about wat i feel & im gonna say it
i
i l
i lo
i lov
i love
i love y
i love yo
i love young girls with Shaven Pussys!

Mary's Lambs Mary had 2 little lambs their names were Jack and Gypsy. One day they got foot and mouth and now they're black and crispy.

Sheep Group of sheep in field, one says i dont feel well. The others reply shut the ****** up your get us all shot.

Butter Your teeth are so yellow, i can't believe it's not butter!!!

Condom factory Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Yo Mama Yo mama's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her.

Mary Stinks Mary had a smelly minge with pubes as dark as charcoal.So most the men go round the back and stick it up her arsehole!

Mary's Duck mary had a little lamb she also had a duck, she put them on the mantlepiece to see if they would ******

Tampons whats the difference between a mini tampon..a middle tampon and a large tampon?....they r all stuck up ******!

We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...!

I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING

All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!

Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.

Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams......

My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...

Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an ******

If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi

Don`t drink water, because fish ****** in it!

Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry..............

Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!

What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.

Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a ******?
A: An f****ing know it all.

A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

My Reality Check bounced.

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!

Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.

What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any. 1

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering

How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?

Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.

Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one!

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

Don't spend 2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!

What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One ****** the miners, the other ****** the Majors

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.

Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?
A man who's too drunk to follow orders.

I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

For sale : Air Bags, Used once.

What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.

Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a ******?
A: An ****** know it all.

A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

Q: How did the Pollack burn his face?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia?
A: One has a real live culture.

Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag?
A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry groceries in.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock.

Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive across the road.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mummy.
Mummy who?
Mummeasles are better so can I come in?

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I called by?

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last bus home.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
York.
York who?
York coming over to my place tonight?

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel broken? I had to knock.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma's gone?

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked - that's why I knocked.

friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but only u can feel its true warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants xxxx

(_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!

He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!

Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!

Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!

TSTT regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network

I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!
rp913126
Is kadar hum aapko chahte hain
Ki duniya wale dekh ke jal jaate hain
Is kadar hum aapko chahte hain
Ki duniya wale dekh ke jal jaate hain
Yun to hum sabhi ko ULLU banate hain,
Lekin aap thoda JALDI ban jaate hain
Happy April Fools day.

Find more April Fool Sms in Hindi here.
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