Well, I like telling stories so here it goes.
I used to live in southern california, and then about 6 years ago moved up to the bay area ( ~300 miles away). Anyways, I'm on myspace checking out some of my old friends' pages and I see this really cute girl that a lot of my good friends know. I check out her page and see that although she came from the same town I did, she now lives and goes to school just like 3 miles away from me. So of course, I message her and ask her out for some coffee.
So we met up on thursday night, and after the initial few seconds of "i don't know you at all" type awkwardness, I quickly tried to push through it into conversation. We got out coffee and the conversation continued, but I couldn't read it at all. She was quite talkative (thank god) so she was able to lead the discussion for the most part. We talked about our families, common connections and such, but then it seemed that she would say something like "and I try to never talk about ....", but then we'd talk about it for like 10 minutes. I didn't quite get that. Also I noticed that when she would take a drink she would always glance up at me, and she was playing with her hair a lot. She also mentioned that she had dated one of my good friends for two years, but she emphasized that they were only good friends now (good sign?).We then parted ways at the coffee shop, saying goodnight and see you later, but no physical contact, handshake or anything).
So here's where I'm looking for advice: I think that this is a girl I could end up really liking, but from every single other relationship I've ever had I've always ended up being the 'friend' or 'nice guy'. So was I reading too far into her subtle actions? I haven't talked to her since but I'm going to be going to a concert with her and possibly a few other friends on monday. What's my next move to progress the relationship without falling into 'nice guy friend mode'?
Well there are certainly signs there, the playing with the hair and glances are very typical flirting behaviour, and she was obviously comfortable enough with you to talk about things, and you proved yourself a good listener (I assume).
However like you say it is easy to fall into the "friends" trap; at this stage the most you can say is that she likes you on a certain level, but you need a bit more time to determine where things are going.
If the concert goes well and she still seems into you, maybe as a next step you could ask her out on something more date-like i.e. just the two of you. If shes up for that then you're probably "in there" (as they say round these parts).
The best thing to do is never become her friend, show a romantic interest straight away, the longer you leave it the harder it gets and the easier it is to become just friend.
Don't tell her you like her, show her. If she doesnt respond in the same way as you, then leave it, hanging out with someone who you like is awkward for both parties and depressing.
This is what ive learned, the hard way.
well, concert tonight, going to be looking for an opportunity to amek a move. I've been so absorbed by a 'computer geek' mentality my whole life, I'm realizing it was all just a lame excuse for not wanting to learn proper guy/girl social interactions. sigh.
Ahh...it sounds to me like, she's interested, but doesn't know if she should be.
Just keep talking to her, and it shouldn't take long to figure it out for sure.
I'm big on waiting for guys to respond first, so (not saying she would be like me, but it's worth a shot), if I were you, I'd call her first. Give it a couple of days after you call, email her instead. Keep her guessing, like she's keeping you.
When girls refer to the "I try not to talk about" line, it usually means that she doesn't want you reading too far into it. It's something that she REALLY wants you to know, but she doesn't want you to think it consumes her. Let me guess, that line most often referred to other guys, maybe past relationships between her or her friends/sisters, or maybe even something that she got in trouble for (or should have gotten in trouble for)?
Glancing at you...Maybe she's trying to figure you out just as much as your trying to figure her out? It's possible that she's trying to get you interested, hoping that you'll catch her staring at her. But it's also possible that she does it because she doesn't want you to feel ignored. She's being polite.
I would go with the polite one, because she's also playing with her hair.
When I'm not sure what to do with myself, I often just figet. I'll play with my hair, take lots of SMALL sips of my drink, sometimes I'll pretend to do my nails (which are manicured and can't be done by me ), different girls do different stuff. But when I'm fidgeting, I'll often look at the guy so that he doesn't take my fidgeting as a sign that I'm not interested. Plus, it's common curtosy, and I'm a very polite person (Or at least I try to be.)
Just call her again, add her to your space (if you have one, you didn't make that very clear), and send her some emails. Add her to your messenger and see if it takes her a long time to respond vs. you've got her attention.
Just give it a week. That's usually about as long as it takes for a girl to get her point across. Most girls (though they deny it and say they do things differently) actually use the same patterns when it comes to dating.
Alright. I hope I've helped.
(And yes, I write an advice column for my campus newspaper! -I get asked that allot, so I thought I'd nip it before it came up.)
Yeah, she's added to my space. I've called her twice since then, once on sunday to see if she wanted to get together, and then again tonight to see if she was at the concert. And most of her 'not often talked about' topics were more like religion and politics. She didn't really talk about past guys at all except for only mentioning that one.
and well, she ended up not coming to the concert, something about a suprise lab project for italian. I wish she had been there though cause I get really flirty at concerts, but this girl I was pretty much with the whole night only gave me har name when I asked for her number.
-1 for me
ahh, don't worry about the other girl. We're like that.
Ahh...she's trying not to offend you...or start a huge argument about things. Been there...done that...bought the underwear.
I see, I see.
Just ask her to hang out at your place (or dorm) and watch a movie. Most of my relationships started on my bed, watching TV, because we "just wanted to hang out". It works like a charm . Plus it's relaxing, and if your watching something, there's not much pressure to keep conversation going. Making everything else seem unimportant.
|Jacqueline wrote: |
|ahh, don't worry about the other girl. We're like that. |
But if there was great chemistry and this could be the only chance I'll see her, why would you(all) be like that?
anyways, thanks for the advice
You have this topic tracked...don't you.?.
Maybe she already has a boyfriend and she doesn't want someone to rat her out.
It's also possible that she's seen you around, and doesn't want you to know that she already had her eye on you.
I've done that.
I saw a guy on campus and I noticed he was in the same dorm, same hall as me.
Well, when it came down to the Winter Solstice, I went with a bunch of girls.
I met him, and he asked for my number. I told him I would give it to him later, and I never gave it to him (on purpose!). A week later i saw him going into the doors that went to our staircase upstairs.
So, since I was in the other side of the hallway, I ran up the stairs that were next to me, and beat him up there. Then I stood outside my door.
Nothing beats the smile on his face when he saw me. Priceless.
Why would you be worried about chemistry with this girl, and be worried about another?
Sounds like someone needs to organize his little black book.
it's not tracked, I just have a very active refresh button and know that's you're online now
But anyways, I don't go to the school where all this action has been happening at, so I would very highly doubt that she's seem me before. I'm just a community college guy playing around the UC.
And as for why I'd be worrying about it: because I honestly have no idea what's going on in the first girl's mind, and until I get some sort of clearer signal, I don't want to block off any options that might come up. I've gone most my life until about the last week or two with 0 options and don't want to dedicate all my attention to a possible rejection.
Ahh, I see, I see...well...do you want my brain to cook up something else for you? Or would you rather me shut up?
Sometimes advice can become too much advice. So I'll shut up if you want me to. Or I'll tell you what's running through my head
are you kidding? I'm practically begging you to continue. Wether I listen to the advice or not, I love hearing peoples opinions.
Alright, alright. Let's see here.
This girl at the club, you didn't ask for her name while you were talking to her?
You said you asked for her number and she gave you her name, right?
There's a mistake in it's own. She probably didn't think you were seriously feeling her because you didn't ask for it ahead of time (that's asuming you didn't.).
If you did ask for it ahead of time, then maybe you were the only one feeling the chemistry, or it was like I said before, she was afraid of her boyfriend finding out. Or maybe you just weren't her type, there's lots of possibilities that could be assumed from such small detail.
Hanging out at the UC but attending the CC? Ding-dong. Why not transfer next year? You'll be able to get into more stuff, and you'll get to see the chick again.
As far as the current goes, have one of your buddies talk to her. Girls are always willing to talk to the guys friends about him, and pretend they don't know that the person is going right back to the topic of choice and reporting. We always know, and sometimes we're actually relieved because it gives us a chance to say what we really feel, without saying it to his face.
Somtimes it's good...sometimes it's...not so good. We're not likely to completely trash you. Just keep it simple like, "He's alright." which probably means she's into you, but afraid to admit it so soon. Or, "He seems nice, he's cool" all good things that say she's interested.
Now if she's not interested she might just bring up the facts that you've hung out. She might avoid actually saying how she feels about you. or she might even flat out say she thinks your could be a "good friend". which basically means what it sounds like. 'back off'.
Tough, but true.
In most cases, the first girl wouldn't have even agreed to meet up with you if she hadn't been interested in the posibility of you to begin with. So your probably not too far off your rocker by giving it your best shot.
Now, if your going to play the field somewhere where she could show up (like the concert at her school) then you risk the chance of her finding out, and her not thinking you take her seriously. Meaning, even if she is interested, she'll be more than happy to find someone else to be interested in. She'll lead you on, while she leads someone else on.
I know, your a guy, and you want to keep your field open.
But girls don't think like that. We like security. Even the partiest of girls like security.
Under no circumstances am I saying she wants a ring on her finger by the end of next year, or that she wants to even be with you next year. I'm saying that if your interested, act interested. If she's interested, she'll act interested.
I can already tell she's not planning on playing you by the fact that she was willing to meet up with a complete stranger based on the "common friends" deal.
Well, yeah competely just forget about the other girl cause I'll most likely never see her again anyways.
But I wouldn't say that I'm hanging around the UC, it's just that that's where the concert was, and that where the first girl goes. As for myself... school and I don't mix. I'm realizing now that my charm and great people skills really screwed me in the sense that I was able to convince my teachers that I didn't need to turn anything in to get good grades. It's just my own little problem but there's pretty much no chance in hell I could get accpeted at that school with the grades I have from my CC now. Maybe if I had gone in straight from high school, except I'd probably be failing those classes for the same problem. And i'm not saying I'm dumb, I'm really smart just with horrible study habits.
|I know, your a guy, and you want to keep your field open. |
that's where I'm lost. I've always considered myself a computer and tech nerd, and I've never been on the field. It's like what they always say about growing up and going to college, I just never though all that was true. Most of the time, no, all of the time in these situations I feel I'm in way over my head and don't know what to do. I'm not trying to be insensitive, or potentially a jerk, I'm just trying to figure out who I've become without realizing it.
So anyways, last night when I talked to her asking if she would be at the concert, she was talking about having different midterms to study for and such. I think I ended with something like "well give me a call whenever you get some free time". With that, should I consider it out of my hands, or should I not expect her to call me and call her back something like next weekend after the exams would be over?
CALL HER BACK!
I hate it when a guy leaves it to me to call! I'm a girl. I'm not going to dance over my toes for them. I expect THEM to call. Even if you told HER to call, chances are, she's waiting on YOU to call...
Just give her a call and ask her how her midterms are going. Ask her if she wants to come study at your place, or something like that. Ask her if she wants to take a break and meet up at the college under-ground for a bite or something.
Show her that you respect that she has school, and that it's important, but that your also interested. If she thinks she can balance the two, and she thinks that your okay with that, then she'll appriciate it.
|Jacqueline wrote: |
|CALL HER BACK! |
Oh thanks. I totally would have missed that one.
Don't mean to butt in, but DEFINITELY CALL HER! She'll forget about you, label you "friend" (guys who aren't persistant almost always get that one), or just won't call you for a number of reasons. Going by the first post, yeah I think she likes you. Oh yeah and going by what I've onserved when people keep looking at you when you first meet they way you described - it's to see if you're giving a hint about what you think of them.
Brilliant advice Jacqueline
*rolls eyes* men.
well, I called her again on friday, she said she would be busy over the weekend. I suppose one last call next friday before I just drop it.
Jacqueline, ^^ is why I asked for the other girls number that night, I expected something like this to happen. Nothing against her really, I just knew I wouldn't end up with the girl. Just not my style it seems.
eh, I see your point.
Yeah, one more call should do.
Just call her over the weekend maybe, and then just tell her you'll see her around.
Generally I'm up for giving guys 2 chances before I put them in the discard box. But most girls just give 1.
It's over, this thread is done.
Now I go wallow in self pity.