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Computer jokes (funny!)

Computer Jokes

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating-point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, that's a hardware problem.
Top seven new slogans for Intel:
•It's a FLAW, Darn it, not a Bug
•You Don't Need to Know What's inside
•Redefining the PC and Mathematics As Well
•We fixed it! Really!!
•Division Considered Harmful
•Why Do You Think They Call It Floating Point?
•We are Looking for a Few Good Flaws
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums?
A: The warning label.
How to Determine if Technology has Taken Over Your Life
1.Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2.You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
3.You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house only computers with laser printers.
4.You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
5.You disdain people who use low Baud rates.
6.When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7.You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8.You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
9.You know bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
10.You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11.You sign Christmas cards by putting Smile next to your signature.
12.Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than Smile.
13.You back up your data every day.
14.Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a wrist-rest for her mouse.
15.You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16.On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17.The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
18.You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand drawn pie charts.
19.You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
20.You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21.You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
22.You know without a doubt that disks come in five and a quarter and three and a half inch sizes.
23.Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24.You own a set of itty bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
25.While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse induced index finger strain with a nine year old.
26.You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27.You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28.You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
29.You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better the track ball or the track *pad*.
30.You understand all the above jokes. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
31.You email these jokes to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face to face.
Top 16 Programmer's Terminologies
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.
2.EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM -We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3.CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4.MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5.CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6.PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7.TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8.THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing, quit.
9.IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10.WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11.PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12.GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13.GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14.ALL NEW - Code not interchangeable with the previous versions.
15.YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - It finally worked!
16.LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.
Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?
A: He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read.
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11 digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and Unix. We don't believe this to be a coincidence."
----Jeremy S. Anderson
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates, 1981
Q: Why do Computer Science Majors confuse Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because DEC 25 == OCT 31
There are four engineers travelling in a car: a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.
"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."
"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?"
"Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course. He needed help to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew over to it, and while circling the building, drew a handwritten sign and held it up to the helicopter's window. The sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. The people in the building quickly responded to the helicopter, drew a large sign and held it up to the building's window. Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved to the people in the building, looked at his map, and flew straight back to Seattle airport and landed. After they were on the ground the passenger asked the pilot how the sign "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" helped determine his position? The pilot responded, "I knew I had to be at the Microsoft building because, similar to their help lines, they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer".

A man is walking down the street. He looks over and sees a frog sitting there on the sidewalk. The frog looks up and says in a sweet voice, "I am really a princess. If you kiss me just once, I will return to my human form and do anything for you." The man picks up the frog, looks at it, and places it in his pocket. He then heads on his way again. Shortly a voice is heard from his pocket: "Didn't you hear me? If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything for you." The man takes the frog from his pocket, looks at it for a moment, and returns is to his pocket. Shortly the voice is heard again, this time with a frustrated tone: "Hey! What's wrong with you?! I said if you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you want!" The man pulls out the frog and says to it, "Look, I'm a computer science student. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is kind of neat."

Very Happy

I didn't understand one bit of that. They were not funny, so I think you should change the title.
That was, quite possibly the funniest set of jokes that are not harsh in ages. I have never heard so many computer jokes. I am happy to say there are some I didn't get, so I'm not that far yet (I'm only 15, there is still hope. Keep 'em coming.

18.You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand drawn pie charts.

Couldn't get that one at all. No matter.
his TRUE story is very interesting if you are a Software Developer or a Quality Assurance person. Still interesting to those of you who are not...

Incredible software quality story.

It took the European Space Agency 10 years and $7 billion to produce Ariane 5, a giant rocket capable of hurling a pair of three-ton satellites into orbit with each launch and intended to give Europe overwhelming supremacy in the commercial space business.

All it took to explode that rocket less than a minute into its maiden voyage last June, scattering fiery rubble across the mangrove swamps of French Guiana, was a small computer program trying to stuff a 64-bit number into a 16-bit space.

One bug, one crash. Of all the careless lines of code recorded in the annals of computer science, this one may stand as the most devastatingly efficient. From interviews with rocketry experts and an analysis prepared for the space agency, a clear path from an arithmetic error to total destruction emerges.

To play the tape backward: At 39 seconds after launch, as the rocket reached an altitude of two and a half miles, a self-destruct mechanism finished off Ariane 5, along with its payload of four expensive and uninsured scientific satellites. Self-destruction was triggered automatically because aerodynamic forces were ripping the boosters from the rocket.

This disintegration had begun instantaneously when the spacecraft swerved off course under the pressure of the three powerful nozzles in its boosters and main engine. The rocket was making an abrupt course correction that was not needed, compensating for a wrong turn that had not taken place.

Steering was controlled by the on-board computer, which mistakenly thought the rocket needed a course change because of numbers coming from the inertial guidance system. That device uses gyroscopes and accelerometers to track motion. The numbers looked like flight data -- bizarre and impossible flight data -- but were actually a diagnostic error message. The guidance system had in fact shut down. This shutdown occurred 36.7 seconds after launch, when the guidance system's own computer tried to convert one piece of data -- the sideways velocity of the rocket -- from a 64-bit format to a 16-bit format. The number was too big, and an overflow error resulted.

When the guidance system shut down, it passed control to an identical, redundant unit, which was there to provide backup in case of just such a failure. But the second unit had failed in the identical manner a few milliseconds before. It was running the same software.

This bug belongs to a species that has existed since the first computer programmers realized they could store numbers as sequences of bits, atoms of data, ones and zeroes: 1001010001101001. . . . A bug like this might crash a spreadsheet or word processor on a bad day.

Ordinarily, though, when a program converts data from one form to another, the conversions are protected by extra lines of code that watch for errors and recover gracefully. Indeed, many of the data conversions in the guidance system's programming included such protection.

But in this case, the programmers had decided that this particular velocity figure would never be large enough to cause trouble. After all, it never had been before. Unluckily, Ariane 5 was a faster rocket than Ariane 4. One extra absurdity: the calculation containing the bug, which shut down the guidance system, which confused the on-board computer, which forced the rocket off course, actually served no purpose once the rocket was in the air. Its only function was to align the system before launch. So it should have been turned off. But engineers chose long ago, in an earlier version of the Ariane, to leave this function running for the first 40 seconds of flight - -- a "special feature" meant to make it easy to restart the system in the event of a brief hold in the countdown.

The Europeans hope to launch a new Ariane 5 next spring, this time with a newly designated "software architect" who will oversee a process of more intensive and, they hope, realistic ground simulation.

Simulation is the great hope of software debuggers everywhere, though it can never anticipate every feature of real life. "Very tiny details can have terrible consequences," says Jacques Durand, head of the project, in Paris. "That's not surprising, especially in a complex software system such as this is."

These days, we have complex software systems everywhere. We have them in our dishwashers and in our wristwatches, though they're not quite so mission-critical. We have computers in our cars -- from 15 to 50 microprocessors, depending how you count: in the engine, the transmission, the suspensions, the steering, the brakes and every other major subsystem. Each runs its own software, thoroughly tested, simulated and debugged, no doubt.

Bill Powers, vice president for research at Ford, says that cars' computing power is increasingly devoted not just to actual control but to diagnostics and contingency planning -- "Should I abort the mission, and if I abort, where would I go?" he says. "We also have what's called a limp-home strategy." That is, in the worst case, the car is supposed to behave more or less normally, like a car of the pre-computer era, instead of, say, taking it upon itself to swerve into the nearest tree.

The European investigators chose not to single out any particular contractor or department for blame. "A decision was taken," they wrote. "It was not analyzed or fully understood." And "the possible implications of allowing it to continue to function during flight were not realized." They did not attempt to calculate how much time or money was saved by omitting the standard error-protection code.

"The board wishes to point out," they added, with the magnificent blandness of many official accident reports, "that software is an expression of a highly detailed design and does not fail in the same sense as a mechanical system." No. It fails in a different sense. Software built up over years from millions of lines of code, branching and unfolding and intertwining, comes to behave more like an organism than a machine.

"There is no life today without software," says Frank Lanza, an executive vice president of the American rocket maker Lockheed Martin. "The world would probably just collapse." Fortunately, he points out, really important software has a reliability of 99.9999999 percent. At least, until it doesn't.
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