Heres some jokes that i have recently seen adn saved to my computer because i thought they were kinda funny. 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: That driver just insulted me! The man says: You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were fighting. The dad yelled, "You bitch!" And the mom screamed, "You bastard!" And the little boy said, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" And the parents replied "Um...ladies and gentlemen." And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed. The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said "Nice tits!" And the mom, "Nice dick!" And the little boy ran into the room and asked, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" "Um...hats and coats." And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed. The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad's elbow, (the dad was shaving and he cut himself) "Shit!" He bellowed. "Daddy what does that mean???" "Um, it is the name of the shaving cream that I'm using, now run downstairs and see what your mom is doing." And with that the little boy did as he was told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. "******!" She hollered and the little boy said , "Mommy, what does that mean???" "Um, it means I'm cutting the turkey." DING-DONG the door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to answer it saying: "Hello all of you bitches and bastards, hang up your titties and dicks. Dad's up stairs whipping the shit off of his face and mom's in the kitchen ****** the turkey
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.
There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise. The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !" They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too"
Man walks in a bar and he orders a drink, he looks on the wall sees a sign sayin make the donkey laff win 500 bux , SO he ask the bar tender if the sign is tru , Bar tender said yea, the man asked where the donkey was he told em and showed the man where the room was. Well bar tender left then man was in the room wid the donkey like 5 minutes. . . . . Man walked out the donkey was crackin up he was alffin so hard . . . the bar tenders asked how he did it man said im jus good. Bar teneder paid em. . . . Well week later SAME man came back in there was another sign up sayin make the donkey cry will 1000 bux man asked if it was tru. bar tender say Yes Sir man said same room? bar teneder said yup , man said ok brb in like 5 minutes. Sure enough the man made the donkey cry. man was gettin his muny n the bar tender asked man I hasta kno how u make em laff and make em cry man said u wont tell noone??. . . . . . . . Bar tender said no i wont i wanna kno i lost 1500 bux in 2 weeks the man said well... ok first time i wnt in there and told the donkey i had a bigger dick than him.... bar tender said ok howd u make em cry??? MAn said I SHowed em. . . . . . . . .
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: That driver just insulted me! The man says: You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were fighting. The dad yelled, "You bitch!" And the mom screamed, "You bastard!" And the little boy said, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" And the parents replied "Um...ladies and gentlemen." And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed. The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said "Nice tits!" And the mom, "Nice dick!" And the little boy ran into the room and asked, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" "Um...hats and coats." And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed. The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad's elbow, (the dad was shaving and he cut himself) "Shit!" He bellowed. "Daddy what does that mean???" "Um, it is the name of the shaving cream that I'm using, now run downstairs and see what your mom is doing." And with that the little boy did as he was told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. "******!" She hollered and the little boy said , "Mommy, what does that mean???" "Um, it means I'm cutting the turkey." DING-DONG the door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to answer it saying: "Hello all of you bitches and bastards, hang up your titties and dicks. Dad's up stairs whipping the shit off of his face and mom's in the kitchen ****** the turkey
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.
There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise. The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !" They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too"
Man walks in a bar and he orders a drink, he looks on the wall sees a sign sayin make the donkey laff win 500 bux , SO he ask the bar tender if the sign is tru , Bar tender said yea, the man asked where the donkey was he told em and showed the man where the room was. Well bar tender left then man was in the room wid the donkey like 5 minutes. . . . . Man walked out the donkey was crackin up he was alffin so hard . . . the bar tenders asked how he did it man said im jus good. Bar teneder paid em. . . . Well week later SAME man came back in there was another sign up sayin make the donkey cry will 1000 bux man asked if it was tru. bar tender say Yes Sir man said same room? bar teneder said yup , man said ok brb in like 5 minutes. Sure enough the man made the donkey cry. man was gettin his muny n the bar tender asked man I hasta kno how u make em laff and make em cry man said u wont tell noone??. . . . . . . . Bar tender said no i wont i wanna kno i lost 1500 bux in 2 weeks the man said well... ok first time i wnt in there and told the donkey i had a bigger dick than him.... bar tender said ok howd u make em cry??? MAn said I SHowed em. . . . . . . . .
