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lucasaides
More Massively Kewl Knock Knock Jokes!!!

Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
I know it's you.
Crap.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A talking pig.
Pigs can’t talk.
Neither can penguins, but I can’t shut him up! Wait till you get a load of the dancing candelabra…

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
You want to buy a kitten?
You want to buy a kitten who?
Make pretty pet.
I’m allergic to cats.
Taste good, too?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
You sure you don’t want buy a little kitten?
Yes, I’m sure.
Could make one cute fuzzy glove?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ted Bundy
Ted Bundy who?
Let me in, meat!
No!
I mean… Hello I am Santa Claus.
Yay! Santa!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A Predator drone-launched Hellfire missile.
Saddam, I think it’s for you!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Gandalf the Gray Wizard, friend to hobbits and elves!
Dork-ass loser.
Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
My mouth is full of spiders.
My mouth is full of spiders who?
I didn’t kill the baby. It was made out of popcorn. Popcorn baby! I need a bucket - my knuckles are melting…
Man, you have got to lay off the cough syrup.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Hitler
Hitler who?
Hitler: German, dictator, mass murderer. Little mustache? One testicle? “HEIL ME!” Ring a bell?
I thought you were someone else.
How is that possible? There is only ONE HITLER!
Nope. Went to school with a Nelson Hitler.
You’re just trying to annoy me now.
Do you really have just one testicle?
You’d think I miss it, but I don’t

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
What, and that makes you special?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Some.
Some who?
Some ****** telling you knock, knock jokes. .




A lady and her baby...

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!"
The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.

As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"

The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."

The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."





How To Prepare Chicken...

A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?”

“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”
lucasaides
How To Prepare Chicken...

A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?”

“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”





How many surrealists does it take...

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
"Fish"





Look Out Below!

What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and, if it falls out of a tree, can kill you?
A pool table.




Shirts Off

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, you crazy bitch, iron this."



Redneck Computer Lingo

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.



The Four Ghosts of the White House

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."






The Praying Parrot

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.
One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older gentleman was simply amazed by this. ''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.''

The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him. The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot damn!! This is what I've been praying for!!''






Yard Work Sign Language

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can''t find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can''t hear. So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions. ("I need the rake.") She replies by pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast, slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. The man is confused and runs upstairs.
"What? What was that?"

"Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."





Yo mama's so stupid...

Yo' mama so stupid, that when I asked her to turn on the TV, she started strippin'.




Topless Sunbather

A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell off. She didn't care so much, though, because nobody ever came up to the roof anyway. Which is why she was surprised when she heard footsteps. It was the maitre'd from the restaurant.
"Ma'am," he said, "we were all wondering if you could put your top back on."

"Why? I'm not disturbing anybody."

"Ma'am. You're on the skylight."
theo
don't just copy jokes here please...
lucasaides
Topless Sunbather

A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell off. She didn't care so much, though, because nobody ever came up to the roof anyway. Which is why she was surprised when she heard footsteps. It was the maitre'd from the restaurant.
"Ma'am," he said, "we were all wondering if you could put your top back on."

"Why? I'm not disturbing anybody."

"Ma'am. You're on the skylight."



Give or Take a Gazillion

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing president Bush: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "that's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"



Give or Take a Gazillion

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing president Bush: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "that's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"




Vaguely Obscene Nun Jokes

What is black and white and green and black and white?
Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle.
What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and down?
A nun churning butter.

What is black and white and screams "YES! YES! YES!"
A nun winning at BINGO.

What is black and white and pink and hard?
A nun stopping, lifting her habit up to her shins, and sratching her ankle bone.

What is black and white and gooey and creamy?
A nun eating a bowl of Tapioca pudding.

What is black and white and makes a wet, sucking sound?
A toothless, elderly nun eating a Communion wafer.



Rejected US Army Slogans

"Kill All That You Can Kill"
"Shower With Men"

"Knock Up Foreign Broads"

"All The Grits You Can Eat"

"Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler"

"Purple Hearts = Free Beers At Hooters"

"Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H"

"Cubicles Are For Wusses"

"Napalm Means Serious BBQ"

"Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!"

"Totally Beefcake and Proud of It"

"Beat Up Sailors"

"We Won''''''''t Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Marines Will"

"Kicking Nazi Tail Since 1942"

"Don''''t Ask, Don''''t Tell, Don''''t Accessorize"

“Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!"

"Play Doom… For Real!"

"Sure Beats Lurnin''''''''!"

"Because Terminators Are Real"






Lord of the Jokes

Q: What did the hobbit say to the elf?
A: You better come and hide in the Shire before the geeks create a movie so they can spend late nights sitting around watching hours of video in costumes with hair on their feet in hopes of creating a safe haven of some kid named Oliver’s basement from the cold and lonely world, which only seems to shun them for the modest layer of tape around their glasses.




Knock, Knock... Highway

Knock, Knock
Whos there?

Highway.

Highway who?

Highway 95 pounds!



50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"




Inoffensive Nicknames for Breasts

1) Chest Trays

2) NFRU (Not for Recreational Use)

3) Pastor Baiters

4) Mounds of Shame

5) Heavenly Canteens

6) Pearly Weights

7) Hooteronomies

Cool Pizza Pizza

9) Sweater Undulations

10) The Daughters of Lactiticus

11) Racks of Lambs of God

12) Communion Woofers

13) First and Second Mammalonians

14) Pamela''s Burdens

15) Beelzeboobs
n0obie4life
w000t!!!!

BANNED!

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