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Traveling to meet her - GOOD OR BAD IDEA?





rogue_skydragon
Hello Frihost,

I need your help. I am a 23 year old male, and so I'd like to think that I am neither naive nor wise when it comes to relationships - I'm somewhere in between probably. Having said that, I have come across a dilemma...you see, there's this girl.

Last month, I attended one of the most exciting music festivals in the world, Coachella. Coachella is a three-day festival here in Cali featuring some amazing acts (this year saw Swedish House Mafia, Radiohead, Snoop Dogg just to name a few), and during the entire time, I was able to hang out with this incredibly cool chick with a fun personality. She and I hung out and talked quite a bit even after the festival, and we hit it off pretty well especially after she and I got a bit intimate at a party my roommates and I threw. We totally dig each other, but here's the kicker - she lives in Toronto and I live in Los Angeles - a whole continent apart. She had been visiting California for only a week, and when she went back to Toronto, I just could not stop thinking about her.

We've been texting ever since we parted ways, and for the past few weeks I've been considering flying out to Toronto to spend time with her. But this voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that it's a stupid idea, and that all I'm feeling right now is mere infatuation that will go away. One side of my brain, which is preoccupied with my distaste in long distance relationships, is telling me not to go, for it would acknowledge just how foolish I am. The other side of my brain is telling me that I'd be foolish NOT to go. Is it stupid to be going out of my way to fly out to Toronto, just to see this girl again? Should I just forget about her? What if I do go, and come back - what will happen afterwards? I really don't know if I could work through a long distance relationship.

I need your sincere thoughts, Frihost members. Help!
enilsoncba
Think of the lyrics "Nunca Desista do seu Amor" (Never Give Your Love) by Rodrigo Santos

The die is cast
He played the anchor no practical
We think that everything
Is solved at once ...

And anyway
Whether a given
Or a trump card
Who we want
Not always resolves
Once ...

Found that there were
Least two rungs on the ladder
And more space in the elevator
The boot is not so tight as
And the window of the house
I see the sun go down ...

If no wind
Paddle!
If there moon
Howl!
If no air
Get inspired!
But never give up
His love
If there is no chance
Create!
If there is silence
Scream!
If there is no word
Listen!
But never give up
Of your love ...

For some time
I hear all
What you say
We got a chance to understand
What did you
And what I did
And anyway
Whether a given
Or a trump card
Who we want
Not always resolves
Once ...

Found that there were
Least two rungs on the ladder
And more space in the elevator
The boot is not so tight as
And the window of the house
I see the sun go down ...

If no wind
Paddle!
If there moon
Howl!
If no air
Get inspired!
But never give up
His love
If there is no chance
Create!
If there is silence
Scream!
If there is no word
Listen!
But never give up
Of your love ...

Uh! Uh! Uh!
Uh! Uh! Uh!
Uh! Uh! Uh!
Never give up
Of your love ..
Ankhanu
rogue_skydragon wrote:
Hello Frihost,

I need your help. I am a 23 year old male, and so I'd like to think that I am neither naive nor wise when it comes to relationships - I'm somewhere in between probably. Having said that, I have come across a dilemma...you see, there's this girl.

Last month, I attended one of the most exciting music festivals in the world, Coachella. Coachella is a three-day festival here in Cali featuring some amazing acts (this year saw Swedish House Mafia, Radiohead, Snoop Dogg just to name a few), and during the entire time, I was able to hang out with this incredibly cool chick with a fun personality. She and I hung out and talked quite a bit even after the festival, and we hit it off pretty well especially after she and I got a bit intimate at a party my roommates and I threw. We totally dig each other, but here's the kicker - she lives in Toronto and I live in Los Angeles - a whole continent apart. She had been visiting California for only a week, and when she went back to Toronto, I just could not stop thinking about her.

We've been texting ever since we parted ways, and for the past few weeks I've been considering flying out to Toronto to spend time with her. But this voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that it's a stupid idea, and that all I'm feeling right now is mere infatuation that will go away. One side of my brain, which is preoccupied with my distate in long distance relationships, is telling me not to go, for it would acknowledge just how foolish I am. The other side of my brain is telling me that I'd be foolish NOT to go. Is it stupid to be going out of my way to fly out to Toronto, just to see this girl again? Should I just forget about her? What if I do go, and come back - what will happen afterwards? I really don't know if I could work through a long distance relationship.

I need your sincere thoughts, Frihost members. Help!

Toronto and LA isn't so different from the distance separating my wife and I when we first met (NE Texas to Halifax, NS)... and you have the added benefit of having actually MET her face to face; my wife made the trip to meet me having never actually met me, just having chatted online and in letters... THAT was potentially stupid and dangerous (ya know, if I wasn't a decent guy!!!).

I'm with ya on the distaste for long-distance relationships thing; I never intended to get into one. That said, distance is only temporary if you guys are serious. You can move there, she can move to you... you could both move somewhere else. But, the only way for it to work is for the two of you to figure out where you are and what you want out of the relationship.
I say, if you have the time and money, do it. You'll probably regret it if you don't. If you don't have the money, and think something serious could come out of it, start saving, then go.

Really, the only way you can get answers to the questions you're asking is to talk with her about it. Be open, be honest, voice your concerns/fears, voice your hopes and intentions... the two of you will figure out what your both willing and unwilling to do.

PS - we were 21 when we met, so not far from your age and situation Razz
playfungames
Well if you believe that you really like this girl, then you can travel great miles to meet the girl. But I hope that the girl feels the same for you. Because if you feel some thing and the girl feels something else then, you might end up getting hurt. Also, remember in relationships do not love deeply a girl that you met recently.
pauline5765
It depends whether you really like the girl or not. If you like her around 90%, then yea, you should go... otherwise, it's not worth it. One can do everything for love, ayt?

Just treat this travel of yours like a vacation and have so fun. Try to test the chemistry you have with this girl in reality. But don't ever get into serious stuff just yet, like a relationship just after a date. Long distance relationships should be thought over, especially think about your capability to stick with a person even if you're far away from each other. Of course, there's a lot more issues aside from that, like jealousy, trust, etc. Try to feel and think if you can do it.

If not, then stop right there.
Coen
If you like this girl and if she would like to have you over then: sure, go for it. Ask yourself if the distance really is your only problem, because if it is, then would your feelings not be worth pursuing to see what happens if you do spend more time together? Even if this could mean that you find out that it does not work out you will at least have tried and will not wonder what would have happened if you had given it a chance.
codersfriend
Yeah they're right, if you really like her, try to make an effort to meet her
johannespilz
first of all, u are a lucky bastard for being able to go to coachella Smile it has one of the best lineups in the world. and of course, there u meet the right girls Wink

traveling,.. mass o menos.. its a hard decision because it is overloaded with so many expectations, mainly from the guys. if the girl comes to your place, seriously, what do u think and expect? something more right? and the girl? usually the same but i think just because both know what it is about u act differently and that can mass it all up. - but u should always give it a try and in a familiar situation like home u get to know the person how she really is.

in my case, i have bad experiences with it. i lived in barcelona and a girl from my hometown vienna came visiting me. we had something little going on in the past so i expected something. and it almost happend like i expected. shhe came, we went to the city, made out.. i thought its better to play it cool and not being to needy at night when we went out with my friends. but what actually happend because of this, later at night when wie went home she slept over in my roommates bed. mhm, epic fail i would say =)

i learned a lot out from it, let go expectations and taking it easy. most of the time the best is to visit the girl in her city but not sleeping over at her place. look for other friends / hostels or cs so there is no pressure. then meet her and than u can do what ever u like, even sleep over at her place.
rogue_skydragon
johannespilz wrote:
first of all, u are a lucky bastard for being able to go to coachella Smile it has one of the best lineups in the world. and of course, there u meet the right girls Wink

traveling,.. mass o menos.. its a hard decision because it is overloaded with so many expectations, mainly from the guys. if the girl comes to your place, seriously, what do u think and expect? something more right? and the girl? usually the same but i think just because both know what it is about u act differently and that can mass it all up. - but u should always give it a try and in a familiar situation like home u get to know the person how she really is.

in my case, i have bad experiences with it. i lived in barcelona and a girl from my hometown vienna came visiting me. we had something little going on in the past so i expected something. and it almost happend like i expected. shhe came, we went to the city, made out.. i thought its better to play it cool and not being to needy at night when we went out with my friends. but what actually happend because of this, later at night when wie went home she slept over in my roommates bed. mhm, epic fail i would say =)

i learned a lot out from it, let go expectations and taking it easy. most of the time the best is to visit the girl in her city but not sleeping over at her place. look for other friends / hostels or cs so there is no pressure. then meet her and than u can do what ever u like, even sleep over at her place.


johannespilz, that is the best advice I've received so far! thank you so much for sharing your experiences. that must have been tough to have a girl you've known and expected to be intimate with go sleep with your roommate, but that's a definite lesson learned.

I'm going to Toronto after all. Once there, I'm just going to do my own thing and concentrate on having as much fun around the city as possible. I'll invite her to come out with me to hang, but I don't want to have too many other expectations.
johannespilz
yes thats it, never have expectations. enjoy your stay, u never know whats gonna happen Smile
TheLimey
You only live once. Give it a try and she might be flattered by the fact that you traveled to see her....
rogue_skydragon
TheLimey wrote:
You only live once. Give it a try and she might be flattered by the fact that you traveled to see her....


Thanks for the words of encouragement, Limey. I'll be flying to Toronto this August. We'll see how it goes.
Afaceinthematrix
First of all, Los Angeles and Toronto aren't a continent apart; they're both in North America. Also, I would definitely suggest going if you can gather up the funds. Think of it this way: worse case scenario is that you don't find her or that you find her but things don't work out but then you're still left with a Hell of a vacation. Best case scenario is that you meet the woman of your dreams and you also have a Hell of a vacation. I wouldn't go all the way to Canada just to meet up with a chick; I'd make a vacation out of it and then meet her up while you're at it. That way if things don't work out you still had a great time. I met a girl that I liked while in Germany a few months back (and I also live in Southern California near Los Angeles) and I would definitely like to see her again. Since I got back home we have just been keeping touch via the internet. Seeing her isn't an option since I do not have money to fund another trip to Europe and she doesn't have the money to fund a trip to L.A. But if I could afford it I would definitely go and see her - although I would really be taking a vacation to Germany and then while I'm at it stop by and see her on my first day there (and if things work out well, spend the rest of my trip with her; if things fail then spend the rest of my time having a vacation).
bluepig83
And, hopefully things work out. But if it doesn't, chalk it off that you had an opportunity to visit and explore Toronto (which I hope you'll be able to do either way).
Kaitaye
I understand that about relationships at a distance? A wise man once said:
"If you can not make love to a woman three times a week, you should leave her to someone better"
pll
You can try to travel for her. But you would be better to get a B plan (because if you get disappointed by her, at least your trip will not be all bad). And if you are both happy to see each other, it could become a good story!
romeryto
You need have a B plan to the case that anything wrong.
Kaitaye
And plan b should come from your area. This is to avoid similar dilemmas in the future.
Insanity
You should meet her if you have the means to do so (as in it's not placing an unrealistic financial burden on you) and you feel like you two really have a connection. I agree that you should definitely have a plan B in case things fall through. This could be either a friend's place you can crash at, or a motel nearby you can stay until you can get back. Don't enter it with unrealistic expectations either, to place unnecessary pressure on both of you. You can always also try meeting halfway. I'm not sure where exactly it would be, but it would also carry the risk of things falling through and both of you stranded.
zimmer
I hope you find what your looking for.

I think no need for you to travel a lot just to meet someone all you need to do is just open your eyes that sourounds you and feel the surroundings and i am sure they just around waiting for you to open your eyes.
raztah
I think its a bad idea.
Hello_World
If you feel strongly for her, then do it. If you think perhaps this is the woman that will light up your life, do it.

If you feel like she was a cool chick but there's plenty more cool chicks out there, forget it. If you were just flattered that she spent time with you, forget it.

If you don't, you will always wonder. Better to act than to regret. If your heart feels strongly, it has noticed something your mind has missed.
codersfriend
how is it going? have you seen her again?
sunbox10
He probably has. Anyway i am with you and not with you with this situation many of the post were good ideas. This really depends on what you want in life do you really love her or is it just a crush? Long Distance relationships do not work never do unless like the poster who said move to her or have her move with you. Right now your love sick about her you both dig each other well the question is how long have you known each other do both of you have your priorities straight? If everything is talked then give it a shot and go over there. You can visit her most definitely but you meed to consider how both of your are going to spend life with each other if your willing to move with her or her with you then go for it. If there is conflict between your goals and her goals of life then it cannot work there will be to much conflict and road blocks. So talk things with her and see what goals in life both want and how both of you will be together because far apart from each other is never good.
rogue_skydragon
Hey all,

Firstly, thanks to all of you who took the time to reply with your thoughts on the situation.

After much deliberation, I ended up flying out to Toronto after all, and I must say, I had a blast. Although, things didn't go as I had hoped with the girl. I suppose I'll elaborate just a bit -

Like I said in my previous post in this thread, I wanted to make the trip about having fun and doing my own thing. I didn't want to make the girl the center of this trip, otherwise I knew I'd run the risk of developing false hopes or expectations. Anyway, I did just that - I traveled for the sake of traveling, to have fun while carrying the mindset of blissful wanderlust. I went to the top of the CN Tower, backpacked through the arts district, saw Niagara Falls, took a ferry out to Center Island, partook in an impromptu drum circle, road some roller coasters in Wonderland, and more. I had a genuinely good time and even got to spend time with family that I had not seen in a verrry long time.

During the middle of my trip, I invited her out to dinner. She loved sushi, so I suggested it, and so we went. After grubbing down, sharing some laughs, and catching up on our lives a bit, she showed me around her hometown (Cambridge, which is just an hour west of Toronto). She told me stories about her and her friends, showed me where her childhood hang-out spots were and even gave me a brief tour of her university campus, which wasn't too far from her home. After all of this, I got to really get a feel for where she was in life, and it made me realize that my particular place in life doesn't mesh too well with her's. She lives at home and is still going to college - I live in my own apartment and work in a big city, nearly a nation away. Our lives had become quite different since we initially met, and that "spark" just wasn't there anymore, or at least wasn't the same. At the end of our brief night together, I realized any kind of romantic advance at this point would only feel forced, and so we parted ways without much more than a hug and a longing glance, a glance that I can only describe as a facial representation of the phrase "whatever happened?"

Needless to say, I had created some false expectations of what our encounter would be like, even though I tried not to. I'm happy to say, though, that I at least went for it, and now have a definite outcome. Though we'll likely keep in touch online, I probably will never see her again, and I'm fine with that.
tonberry
You seem a bit confused, but you shouldn't be. I got friends who travel to various countries on the other side of the world for more trivial reasons than that.

It's just fear of rejection and commitment that is keeping your ship at bay (and I didn't mean your penis). If you'd be a woman, you could worry that the other person might be a sexual offender or a serial killer. But since you're a man, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Unless you were raped by a robust german freak athlete girl with a mustache called Helga, when you were 5.

Develop yourself a plan. A plan for doing something interesting in the city if the girl doesn't come or turns out to be Helga. That way you will have a nice trip anyway and also you'll take a lot of pressure from the meeting.
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