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Funny Stories Daily





nguyenvulong
NOTICE : Those stories are collected from MANY SOURCES :

www.jokes2go.com
www.onlyfunnystories.com
www.superlaugh.com
www.funs.co.uk
www.rubyist-journal.com

MY ROLE IS FILTERING THEM, PICK THE BEST ONES FOR YOU, (You know, there're many boring jokes and they'll not be here )
THESE JOKES ARE JUST FOR FUN AND ALL ARE FREE TO READ, DON'T MIND THE COPYRIGHT HERE, WHAT'S THE POINT WHEN WE CAN'T SHARE A SMILE, RIGHT ^_^

Imagine life without Smiles Rolling Eyes , yep it's boring.

Quote:
STORY 1 :


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"


updating ...
nguyenvulong
Quote:
STORY 2

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."


see you next day !! Razz
nguyenvulong
Quote:
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."
nguyenvulong
Quote:
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

LOL Laughing
IceCreamTruck
Some of this is pretty funny... are you writing these daily?
busaboss
Yes, I agree that some of this were really funny. Keep on sharing this is nice. Smile
mukesh
Omg Four days and four funny stories nice.
nguyenvulong
I didn't write them, I collected them - but It's just for fun and I hope you guys enjoy it Cool

[ snipped by Vanilla ]
IceCreamTruck
It's ok you collect then, but you should site your source. use [ quote="sitename.com" ] [ / quote ] tags and this will help frihost. I like the stories, and think you shouldn't stop, but it messes with search results and can hurt frihost if you don't quote the source. Make sure what you copy is not copy protected.
Aileen89
Ahaha story 5 lol
I have to steal it and tell it to my boyfriend next time he starts cracking nasty jokes
busaboss
another funny story. thanks for the share dude. please follow the instructions given..
nguyenvulong
IceCreamTruck wrote:
It's ok you collect then, but you should site your source. use [ quote="sitename.com" ] [ / quote ] tags and this will help frihost. I like the stories, and think you shouldn't stop, but it messes with search results and can hurt frihost if you don't quote the source. Make sure what you copy is not copy protected.


Thanks for your words, I've already correct them at the top of the thread, you have a nice day !

[ snipped by Vanilla ]
nguyenvulong
Quote:
STORY 9

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
nguyenvulong
STORY 10 - THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY, BYE BYE

[ snipped by Vanilla ]
IceCreamTruck
NSFW! lol
spinout
[ snipped by Vanilla ]
nguyenvulong
STORY 15 You 're gonna LOVE this STORY


Quote:
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an
advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like
heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.
He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight
loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her
neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,
without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last
time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company
does business.
For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure
enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat
more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he
calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight
loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems
like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might
be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but
a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign
reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a
shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is
wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to
the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up
and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the
sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20
pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew
losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are
you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't
felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his
door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200
pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative
of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you. Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation
nguyenvulong
STORY 16

Quote:
The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.
nguyenvulong
STORY 17


Quote:
No $



Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad
BigGeek
I've got a bunch of these, I'm writing them off the top of my head Cool

A man goes to the doctor because his elbow is bothering him, after being charged ten thousand dollars for numerous tests he is diagnosed with tennis elbow.

On the way home from the Doctors office he is walking through the local arcade, and there is a machine that reads "Any Medical Diagnois Available - One Dollar" and there is a dispenser of cups next to a little window that reads above it "Insert Urine Sample Here". So he takes a cup, finds a restroom and fills it up, returns to the machine, inserts the sample along with his dollar, and the machine lites up, wheels spin, buzzers buzzing, and bells ringing and out pops a card that reads "You have tennis elbow".

Looking at the diagnosis card he begins to get mad about the fact that for one dollar he received the same diagnosis that cost him ten thousand dollars, so he vows to get this machine.

He removes one of the sample cups from the machine and takes it home, that night he gets his wife to pee in the cup, he gets his daughter to pee into the cup, AND he gets his dog to pee in the cup, and to make things even more difficult he masturbates into the cup.

On his way to work the next morning walking through the arcade he stops by the machine, and inserts the crazy sample, inserts his dollar, and sits back with a smile and waits.

This time the machine goes crazy, the wheels start spinning really fast and the buzzer gets really loud and is constant, and the bells are ringing like crazy, this goes on for almost five minutes, and the machine finally quiets down and spits out a diagnosis card.

The card reads - "Your wife has venerial disease, your duaghter is pregnant, your dog has worms, and if you don't quit jerking off, you'll never get rid of your tennis elbow". Laughing
BigGeek
Passengers are riding on a plane across the Pacific Ocean, when the plane runs into a cyclone, and is experiencing horrible turbulence, being thrown up and down in the sky like a rag doll. Suddenly one of the engines starts to make a horrible sound and the plane goes into a nose dive. slowly pulling out, and leveling off, the pilot announces that the plane has cleared the storm but is experiencing engine problems. As he completes his announcement the plane goes into another nose dive, and again pulls out at the last minute and levels out.

The passengers are now in a frenzy and some of them are hysterical thinking that this is their last moment on earth, a very attractive woman in the back of the cabin starts screaming - "I can't take it any more, no more, if this is my last moment on earth I want to go out feeling like a woman, is there any man here, MAN ENOUGH to come back here and take the last moments of his life to make me feel like a REAL woman?"

Just as she completes her cry for pleasure a stunningly handsome well built man stands up, and as he is walking to the back of the cabin he removes his shirt revealing a bulging chest and biceps, and ripped abdominal muscles, as he finishes removing his shirt, he hold it out by the collar and says "Sure, I can make you feel like a real woman......would you iron this for me?".
Rolling Eyes Laughing Shocked
deanhills
BigGeek wrote:
I've got a bunch of these, I'm writing them off the top of my head Cool

A man goes to the doctor because his elbow is bothering him, after being charged ten thousand dollars for numerous tests he is diagnosed with tennis elbow.

On the way home from the Doctors office he is walking through the local arcade, and there is a machine that reads "Any Medical Diagnois Available - One Dollar" and there is a dispenser of cups next to a little window that reads above it "Insert Urine Sample Here". So he takes a cup, finds a restroom and fills it up, returns to the machine, inserts the sample along with his dollar, and the machine lites up, wheels spin, buzzers buzzing, and bells ringing and out pops a card that reads "You have tennis elbow".

Looking at the diagnosis card he begins to get mad about the fact that for one dollar he received the same diagnosis that cost him ten thousand dollars, so he vows to get this machine.

He removes one of the sample cups from the machine and takes it home, that night he gets his wife to pee in the cup, he gets his daughter to pee into the cup, AND he gets his dog to pee in the cup, and to make things even more difficult he masturbates into the cup.

On his way to work the next morning walking through the arcade he stops by the machine, and inserts the crazy sample, inserts his dollar, and sits back with a smile and waits.

This time the machine goes crazy, the wheels start spinning really fast and the buzzer gets really loud and is constant, and the bells are ringing like crazy, this goes on for almost five minutes, and the machine finally quiets down and spits out a diagnosis card.

The card reads - "Your wife has venerial disease, your duaghter is pregnant, your dog has worms, and if you don't quit jerking off, you'll never get rid of your tennis elbow". Laughing
This is the best story EVER ..... literally rolling with laughter. Thanks for posting this William.

Enjoyed the one about the plane as well. You really have a way with words.

GREAT thread! Very Happy
BigGeek
No one has posted any more funny stories.....come on, don't make me the thread killer Rolling Eyes

Someone else has to have a funny story!

OK, here is one, a couple in their 60's is taking a long awaited vacation after 35 years of marriage, during the most romantic dinner of their vacation a strange man deposits a dirty old lantern on the table, the woman takes the lamp and tries to polish it off and see how shinny it is under the dirt, and if it might be worth anything. As she rubs the lamp out pops a Genie, and he tells the older couple that normally he grants only one wish per couple, but because they were so happily married and so much in love after 35 years of marriage, that he was going to grant one wish to each Cool

So the wife wishes for plenty of money to enjoy their retirement, and the means and health to travel the world to all the places that they had always dreamed of visiting. One wave of the Genie's hand and it was true. Very Happy

He then turns to her husband, and asks what he would like, he says that if wishes were in order, he would like exactly what his wife asked for, except he wanted it with a wife 30 years younger......So the Genie waved his hand and he was instantly 90 plus years old Shocked

Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it Sad
deanhills
BigGeek wrote:
He then turns to her husband, and asks what he would like, he says that if wishes were in order, he would like exactly what his wife asked for, except he wanted it with a wife 30 years younger......So the Genie waved his hand and he was instantly 90 plus years old Shocked (
Haha .... I didn't see that one coming ....

Found this story in a South African Blog. Stuff like this really happens.
Quote:
JOHANNESBURG - A man was arrested when he tried to get a job from the owners of the house he had robbed earlier in East London, according to a report on Tuesday.

The Nahoon Valley Place house owner told The Times newspaper the man knocked on his front door asking for gardening work on Sunday morning.

"When I opened the door I was surprised because he was wearing our clothing," the man, who did not want to be named, was quoted as saying.

The job seeker was wearing the owner's shoes, socks, belt, a pair of trousers and one of his fiancé's blouses.

The couple was busy moving and had stored most of their clothing and linen in a storeroom in the back garden. The owner said after the robbery he immediately went to check the storeroom and saw it had been looted, he told the newspaper.

"I could not believe the audacity of this guy. I detained him after that and called the police, but they did not pitch for 45 minutes," the owner was quoted as saying.

The man managed to escape but was later caught by a security guard.

Source: http://www.citizen.co.za/citizen/content/en/citizen/eish?oid=268031&sn=Detail&pid=40&Robber-returns-to-crime-scene-for-job
BigGeek
deanhills wrote:

Found this story in a South African Blog. Stuff like this really happens.
Quote:
JOHANNESBURG - A man was arrested when he tried to get a job from the owners of the house he had robbed earlier in East London, according to a report on Tuesday.

The Nahoon Valley Place house owner told The Times newspaper the man knocked on his front door asking for gardening work on Sunday morning.

"When I opened the door I was surprised because he was wearing our clothing," the man, who did not want to be named, was quoted as saying.

The job seeker was wearing the owner's shoes, socks, belt, a pair of trousers and one of his fiancé's blouses.

The couple was busy moving and had stored most of their clothing and linen in a storeroom in the back garden. The owner said after the robbery he immediately went to check the storeroom and saw it had been looted, he told the newspaper.

"I could not believe the audacity of this guy. I detained him after that and called the police, but they did not pitch for 45 minutes," the owner was quoted as saying.

The man managed to escape but was later caught by a security guard.

Source: http://www.citizen.co.za/citizen/content/en/citizen/eish?oid=268031&sn=Detail&pid=40&Robber-returns-to-crime-scene-for-job


OK now that's funny.........the even funnier thing is that they guy that stole their cloths probably didn't even stop to think that they might recognize THEIR CLOTHS!!

The one thing about most thieves is that they just aren't that smart......if they were, they would find less problematic ways to obtain things Laughing
deanhills
Haha right BigGeek. What I also found funny is that he was wearing the fiance's blouse as well. Sort of a mixture of the couple's clothing. But yes, interesting story.
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