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Loney, Isoloated, & Insecure

So here's the deal. I'm 27 just started a new (1 month) relationship after 2 years of being single. I've moved to a new city within the last 2 months and started a new job in the last 4. I'm isolated from all my friends who live over an hour away now, have no new friends yet and a boyfriend who insisted we start dating seriously after just a month of seeing each other, even at my hesitation at how quickly things were moving.

Prior to this relationship I was dating openly seeing multiple men (while not sleeping with them) and I had all my time filled. Now, it feels like I'm overwhelming my partner b/c I have nothing else really to do, and I want to spend time with him. He's super busy teaching and has a very active social life, and mostly female friends. He hangs out w/ his friends all the time and I'm not always invited b/c it's a guys night out, or it's a friend's event. For example, he signed himself and two of his friends up for a kickball team and not me even though he knew I wanted to do it, b/c he didn't want to feel like we were around each other all the time. (At least that's what it feels like, he told me he didn't know I wanted to play, but I told him I did.)

I tend to get jealous, not because I think he's cheating on me, but b/c I know I'm not the center of his attention. That's new for me, I've always been the center of attention everywhere I've been, had lots of friends, most of whom were men, and I always felt super secure in myself. Am I wrong to feel a sense of entitlement in being a top priority of his? I mean I didn't want to be exclusive in the first place b/c it means my priorities shift to accommodate him and now it's obvious I'm not his top priority. I understand that's something that's earned with time, but I'm having trouble not feeling like I'm unimportant.

Short of getting a therapist, what can I do to alleviate the sense of insecurity I feel so I don't smother him and make him run away? I know it's just a matter of time until I develop a social circle, but it's slow in coming and I'm worried he won't make it till then. Essentially, I feel like I over react to everything, aren't appreciative enough of what I do have, and need to back off. On the other hand I feel like a boyfriend is supposed to make you his top priority, accommodate your wants, and work his social events to include you. What does every one on here think? Am I being an overbearing girlfriend or should I feel justified?
Okay, my initial thoughts are two things.

One, you should feel you can talk to him and let him know how you are feeling. Your thoughts are valid and a relationship requires co-operation and caring from both sides.

That said, you should be taking strident action too, to get yourself out and meeting people and doing things.

I've never moved to a new city, I've never faced this problem, in fact I have the opposite with a partner who is on the smothering side. (I'm often trying to get him interested in things that don't involve me lol).

But it seems to me that most of your problem, as you identify yourself, is your own loneliness and insecurity. Be a 'joiner'. Jump online and find stuff/groups you are interested in on or some such site, sign up and go. Although it will still take a while to find people you can have a strong friendship with, meanwhile you are out there enjoying yourself and discovering your new city.

As to whether I think you should be top priority to your boyfriend, yes, I think you should be. And he should be making more of an effort to include you especially given your circumstances of change. He shouldn't feel as though he needs to include you in everything, people need their own space. As you develop friendships etc you will probably need some space too.

So, I think, two way street. You need to talk to him and he should be more accomadating, if he cares about you he should care about your feelings of lonliness too. On the other hand, for your part, you need to make strident and active moves towards your own stability and social life.

Well, my thoughts anyway.
thanks for the suggestions. needless to say, the whole thing imploded on itself the other day and we're no longer together. I guess it wasn't meant to be.
Relationships suppose to cure loneliness. If it's long term then he should be there for you all the time.

It seems this is a case of "He don't need you and so you don't need him."
Glad, the both of you are done.

Look for someone who's not so occupied but if he is, then it should be something that the both of you can spend time with. That is the both of you share the same interests and that you can get along with his friends.
Is there such thing as cabin fever.. ? like in the movie, the shining.. where the character got crazy and tried to kill his family? .. anyway.. we all need each other..
You don't have to be dependent on him to make friends. Like cooking? Sign up for a cooking class, and be sociable with the other cooks. Like art? Sign up for an art class and be sociable with the other artists? Like reading? How about a book club? Like sports? How about a gym membership? There are potential friends in a lot of places and no relationship is ever going to be successful if the other person is your reason for getting out of bed in the morning. I hate to sound so mean, but maybe you should remove dating from the equation until you are ready for a relationship? What good is dating if you can't start a relationship with one of the potential candidates from the dates?
Well, just coming from a 'relationship', I can definitely relate.

It all lies in your communication with each other.
If you feel something is wrong, talk to him about it.
However, you must also evaluate things yourself before talking to him because just like you said, you might scare him away.

I think if he calls you several times a day and sends messages and tries his best to spend time with you, I think you need to relax. He's doing his part. You're just too not occupied with anything.
However, if that is not the case, you really need to talk to him.
He needs to know how you feel.
With the kickball, you can just tell him if it's all right to include you in the next games because you really want to.

Just tell him that you understand that you still have individual lives but would like to share those lives.
Try engaging in a sport or activity (not sex) which you know you're both going to enjoy so that you can spend time with him.
I've seen relationships where the neediness arises for the very simple reason that the one partner is not into the other in the same way. That is not a very healthy relationship to be in. So by going out and involving oneself with other people in hobbies that one really feels passionate about, may be an excellent way to test that.
Mrs Lycos
Good for you if you're not with him anymore. Anyway, I see you're a very sociable girl, you've had tons of friends and men.

Everything happens for a reason. If you're alone at this point in your life, find out why, learn to enjoy this moment, enjoy being with yourself, maybe you'll start seeing things from a different perspective.
I will not agree here with many people.If people use to drop you then it occurs just because of your nature.Just think positively you can be the pivot of your friends.
I do not think that you should be afraid of smothering your boyfriend. We are the way we are and especially in a relationship it is important that the other person accepts you the way you are (I think). If you are insecure about something regarding him then you should be able to talk about it. If you feel like he should spend more time with you then I think telling him that would be wise.

It is always important to know what the other is thinking, especially in relationships. Just share what you feel with your boyfriend, that's the best thing you can do, I think.
I feel you should go and speak directly to your boyfriend about this. If you consider him your boyfriend, I think he will understand what you are trying to say and will look for a solution. He probably doesn't have much idea about how you feel about his actions and his life. He must get to know about it to help you live better.
depend on your self to make your own friends
that will teach you best ways to communcation too and no one can destroy your relation or say i know somethings if u known it you will hate him or that stuff things ,
never depend on any one ... always leads to problems any way
Best advice I can give is to just keep it breezy. He's already pressuring you into something you aren't comfortable with, so I wouldn't take that as a good sign. Clearly you aren't happy about that, so let him know. You will only blame yourself later if you don't.
Choose your friends wisely Very Happy
FastDebrid wrote:

Try engaging in a sport or activity (not sex) which you know you're both going to enjoy so that you can spend time with him.

Hahaha...sorry. Just found it funny about the s** thing. You did clarify it enough. Very Happy
Btw, I do agree with your opinion.
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