Fred bin Flintsone
What do bin Laden and Fred Flintstone have in common?
They both look out of their caves and see Rubble.
How To Prepare Chicken...
A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?”
“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?”
“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”
Empty Cheeze Whiz
Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheeze Whiz?
A: Cheeze Whuz.
South Park Haters...
Q: What county in Ireland hates Kenny?
A: Killkenny County
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?" "Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A Jack."
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johhny?"
"Well, my goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up,"and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he's inside your cat!"
father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
Two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey Tim, what're you in for?"
"I'm getting my tonsils out - I'm a little worried," said Tim.
"Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!"
"Oh yeah?" replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"
"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is!" Sammy answered.
"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "
Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in Arithmetic today.
"Why?" asks his father.
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6".
"But that's right," said his father.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the ****** difference?" asks his father.
"That's what I said!"
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"
A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the genie says to the professor.
The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."
Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asked Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla said, "D-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
The girl said, "Buckwheat is dumb."
Now spell "stupid."
Darla said, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
Darla said, "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher called on Buckwheat and said, "Buckwheat, spell 'dictate.'"
Buckwheat stood up and said, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher replied, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."
One day, a teacher in a high school class was administering a test, and she noticed that four pupils were missing.
The first one came in.
"Why are you so late?" the teacher said to him.
"Sorry, miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Then the second pupil came in.
"Why are you so late?" she said to him.
"Sorry miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Then the third one came in.
"Why are you so late?" she said to him.
"Sorry miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Finally, the fourth pupil, a girl, came in.
"I suppose you've been up Penny Lane, too, then?"
"No, miss," she said to the teacher. "I am Penny Lane"
Empty Cheeze Whiz
Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheeze Whiz?
A: Cheeze Whuz.
