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Do you disgust yourself?





CuddleBunny
I've done something that disgusts me so much that it really wants to make me want to vomit. I'm a heart breaker...
The cruelest of its kind and now i'm beginning to hate myself for who I am.

Have you ever hated yourself so much in your life before?
watersoul
CuddleBunny wrote:
Have you ever hated yourself so much in your life before?

Not that I can remember.
I just try to learn from any bad decisions I've made and accept it's likely that I'll mess up a few times again before I die.

If there is any restorative action you can take, it might help your guilt issues, but otherwise I'd say just accept your responsibility, accept you can't go back in time...then move on with a mindset of not doing the same thing in future.
Ankhanu
Yep, watersoul's got it. Understand what was done, fix what you can (though this takes some consideration too, sometimes attempting to fix things causes more harm), accept what you can't fix, learn and move on.
Dwelling and beating yourself up helps no one.
Bluedoll
Ive made mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, it is called learning and accepting responsibility for our actions, makes us better I think, dont you? The past is written but the future, not yet! Was it really a mistake or a reaction? In any case, I say, lets stop this blame game! That never will not make things better. We sometimes do go down. We can get back up, smell the coffee, look in the mirror and decide what our future is going to be. I guess we can always make a goal and start a new journey, and say to ourselves, honey, welcome to the human race? Tomorrow, I want to do it better.
loyal
CuddleBunny wrote:
I've done something that disgusts me so much that it really wants to make me want to vomit. I'm a heart breaker...
The cruelest of its kind and now i'm beginning to hate myself for who I am.

Well make sure you never do what you did again, and you try to follow watersoul and ankhanu's advice.
deanhills
CuddleBunny wrote:
I've done something that disgusts me so much that it really wants to make me want to vomit. I'm a heart breaker...
The cruelest of its kind and now i'm beginning to hate myself for who I am.

Have you ever hated yourself so much in your life before?
I always think actions are better than words. And the more you think the worse it gets as it should not be about you, but the person that has been injured. I'd go and fix what you can, or at least show some true remorse to the person that has been injured. See if there is anything you can do to compensate try and forgive yourself and see if you can get this person to forgive you too. And then hopefully move on.
CuddleBunny
Thankyou for your support and advice but I really dont know if I can fix anything.

Nothing I say will do anything either. Although I'm feeling remorseful and pent up with guilt, there seems to be no way this problem will be fixed.

Before i had broken up, i had broken up with him twice before. After the first break up he came back to me. The second break up i went back to him and then 2 months down the track I broke up with him again. Who wont hate me for that?

It was because of my indecision to stay in the relationship that has made things turn out this way... I've put him in so much pain and he wasted his efforts on me.

When i broke up with him it was over the phone because he didnt want me to think things over. He wanted an outright answer. He told me he hates me and to never ever talk to him ever again after that.

The next day he posted a photo of my ripped up self-made ripped up valentines card onto his blog.

So that's the story guys.... Does there seem to be anything i could do? I dont really think so....
adri
If he really don't wants to see you, I think the best thing to do, is to write a letter. Old fashioned, I know but you can gently place your feeling in the letter, you'll have time enough to think about each word. And he won't throw it away (unless he's really angry with lots of adrenalin but I think it has faded away by now), people are just to curious to put a letter in the garbage bin without reading it.


Or you can go somewhere public as people tend to be calmer in crowded places, a little uncomfortable for expressing themselves fully (and therefor they are calmer and will think longer), a restaurant perhaps?


adri
Tesa323
Ive Done bad things but never something that disgusts me maybe others but not me XD
Ankhanu
To me, it sounds like maintaining distance is the thing to do now.
Wait a few months, let emotions cool... then you can make you apologies if they're still needed. Sometimes time is the only balm to help a wound. It's possible you'll be able to rebuild and maintain a friendship, if you're both willing... or you may simply need to close that chapter in your life.

In any case, learn from the whole experience and don't repeat it.
deanhills
CuddleBunny wrote:
Before i had broken up, i had broken up with him twice before. After the first break up he came back to me. The second break up i went back to him and then 2 months down the track I broke up with him again. Who wont hate me for that?
I agree with you, better not to talk to this guy, and better also to figure out for yourself why you have broken up with him three times. Have you thought about seeing a counselor of sorts, is there someone professional you can talk to, as what worries me is how hard you are on yourself. If you can talk to someone professional they may be able to help you figure out why you have broken up with this guy and also how you can make peace with yourself.
CuddleBunny
Yea I don't want this to ever happen again, it makes me feel terrible and extremely guilty... I haven't thought about seeing a counselor. I have been to a psychologist before because I've had a long period of social anxiety disorder but that shouldn't be the cause for anything since my disorder has almost completely disappeared.

Maybe I'm too insecure... maybe I doubt too much... there's lots of areas that are weak and I should definitely work on them :'(

So should I just let things cool down first and give a formal apology to him. Or should I close this case altogether and move everything to the very back of my head... I wish this never happened in the first place, but I guess that can't be helped. If I knew this was going to happen, I should have just left it at the second break up. I'm just stupid :/
spinout
Hm, disgust is the wrong word but yes in a way! I don't hate it but it always turn out the bad way if I put in an effort! Is not it strange????

How can the universe be build for avoiding what you want? Is that clever? haha god sucks ...
Asap170
Yea. Honestly I think it happens to everyone. It's not something that you can avoid because we are all human.
deanhills
CuddleBunny wrote:
Yea I don't want this to ever happen again, it makes me feel terrible and extremely guilty... I haven't thought about seeing a counselor. I have been to a psychologist before because I've had a long period of social anxiety disorder but that shouldn't be the cause for anything since my disorder has almost completely disappeared.
Well, I don't think it could do harm just to have one or two sessions with the psychologist, if you already have seen one.
CuddleBunny
Each time I find out how much he's come to hate me, it makes me gag. I'm trying to make amends and trying to snuff the burning flame out, but I don't think he realises that I'm actually sorry. I don't want to see a psychologist again, I hate seeing a psychologist.. I've never had someone hate me so much before, it kills me just thinking about it. I don't want this... I can't sleep..
deanhills
CuddleBunny wrote:
Each time I find out how much he's come to hate me, it makes me gag. I'm trying to make amends and trying to snuff the burning flame out, but I don't think he realises that I'm actually sorry. I don't want to see a psychologist again, I hate seeing a psychologist.. I've never had someone hate me so much before, it kills me just thinking about it. I don't want this... I can't sleep..
OK. So if you put your own thinking cap on, transport yourself outside your body and pretend you're not you, and look from the outside in at the battle field, what do you think your advice would be to Cuddlebunny?
Smile
Nintendo
CuddleBunny wrote:
I've done something that disgusts me so much that it really wants to make me want to vomit. I'm a heart breaker...
The cruelest of its kind and now i'm beginning to hate myself for who I am.

Have you ever hated yourself so much in your life before?


Yeah I do! I experiance it from the other side; I will never forgive myself for acting in the way which caused my love to leave me. From your point of view, you can't just blame yourself; a relationship takes 2, and I'm sure he did things which made you end it. It's not just your fault.

CuddleBunny wrote:
Each time I find out how much he's come to hate me, it makes me gag. I'm trying to make amends and trying to snuff the burning flame out, but I don't think he realises that I'm actually sorry. I don't want to see a psychologist again, I hate seeing a psychologist.. I've never had someone hate me so much before, it kills me just thinking about it. I don't want this... I can't sleep..


I don't think I can really talk, because even a year later I still feel like I'm in a heavy stage of recovery... but I don't believe in psyciatric help. The hardest thing to do before you can do anything, is to forgive yourself. You need to find peace in your own mind, in your own way. You'll find resolve in new ways : ).

But those nights where you can't sleep and those moments where you want to gag; I think they're essential for us to learn and develop, and I certainly don't think they're unhealthy. Everything takes time. Feeling intensely depressed is all part of living life, and it's what makes life worth living. Experiancing a vast and dynamic range of intense happiness and depression is what makes us human; so don't be afraid to face it with your head up. Embracing how you feel is really important; don't try and avoid it... Embracing it will make it subside faster in my opinion =x

CuddleBunny I hope you make it through okay, as I'm sure you will. You clearly have a conscience for the things you have done, and I think that makes you a pure and a good person. You don't have to hate yourself, but I know it's easier said than done... And I totally can't practise what I preach =x
CuddleBunny
Deanhill, if I saw myself from an external point of view I'd still try to make things better. But I don't think any amount will. I think about what was between me and him and compare that with what I have now and always end up feeling like dirt. I think it's best to leave it alone but it's so hard to keep my mind off it. Have you ever had similar experiences? It's so disappointing that things have ended the way it is, with him hating me after two years of being so close with one another.

And Nintendo, thankyou for being so supportive....

Thankyou all for trying to help... I'll give it some time.
deanhills
CuddleBunny wrote:
Have you ever had similar experiences?
Not identical to yours, no. But even if I had, I doubt one could compare experiences as all of us experience break-ups differently. What is important is for you to find peace your way, to forgive yourself, to put it behind you, and to get on with your life positively. I find the only thing that helps is to fill one's life up with new things so that you can focus your mind on other constructive hobbies and people. As hard as it is, when one surrounds yourself with other interests and other people, it focuses your attention away and the experience does become fuzzy around the edges eventually.
inuyasha
Sometimes I will. I bet everyone would have such a feeling sometimes. If what I did does not satisfy my own expectation, I will usually hate myself for a while. That's quite natural. Just encourage yourself~ Very Happy You can do better next time since you've got experience~
CuddleBunny
Despite the things that have happened, I miss him being around and I miss talking to him. But I'm not sure whether that would be a good idea. He himself doesn't seem to want to forgive me so... yea... I still regret what I did, but I'm not revolted by myself anymore. I'm not crying anymore either, but my feelings are very numb...If I do end up speaking to him again, I can imagine things will never be how they use to be. This is really sad.
friho
yeah ,i disgust myself even now.hate why i am so bad,hate why i am so shy ,hate why i couldn't show myself naturely in front of people, hate why i am so recreancy . there are too much to say. but whatever,me is me , if i don't treat myself better,how can we ask people appreciate us.isn't it?
congra
this situation happens sometime. when i have this felling, i couldn't do anything well. the felling is bad. i hate this felling.
shivaghimire
Yes, this happened to me many times because I think I am an angry boy. I get angry soon and also cool fast. Many times when I am angry I have scold my sister so bitterly but after being cool I realize she is my best friend, I need not do that, I got sorry for that. Later my sister used to tell 'its okay, I know your habit', I feel shame in front of her and just get angry with me, myself.
desertmoonbookemporium
No, i do not disgust myself but i get very angry with me. Why do i do the things i do? i know what i should do. why don't i do them? why do we sabotage ourselves by getting in our own way? We can always start over. we can right our wrongs. but one can only start over so many times and then "time does run out". Make good decisions every day. and if you have something to say to someone remember....THE TRUTH ONLY HURTS ONCE, LIES AND DECEPTION HURTS OVER AND OVER AND OVER!! Be gentle, but tell it like it is.
inuyasha
Not so serious as you but I would digust myself when I'm down, angry, attacksive, sensitive, etc.
loremar
I don't feel like I'm disgusting.
Ok I only take a bath once a week, so maybe I am disgusting. Shhh
And I do a lot of naughty stuffs too. Mr. Green
newberie
SOMETIMES I DO HAVE THE SAME FEELINGS
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