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I messed up big





voiceofreason167
About a month and a half ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 21 months. I loved her and it scared me. I never really wanted to lose her. I missed her everyday. I screwed up horribly. I couldn't even be with another girl. The thought of it every time I was going to try or it was going to happen just made no sense. I couldn't imagine being with anyone but her. She cried in her room for 3 weeks and one day she apparently saw me talking to a friend. Just some girl in my class who was asking me what our professor wanted us to do. She saw it differently and started dating some guy who had been asking her out. They had sex about 2 weeks ago like 4 times. The thought of it kills me. I started talking to her again a week ago and she hasn't seen him since. She's been with me. We've had sex. She wants to be with me. The problem isn't getting her back. I'm in love with her. I missed her all that time like someone would miss a arm or a leg. She comples me. That's what scared me. I know I can forgive what happened. I shouldn't even have to. It was MY fault. How could I expect her to just wait for me forever. She can forgive me. Why can't I forget about the fact that she had sex with this guy? What should I do? Will I get over this? Will someone else tell me how lucky I am that this girl will even talk to me? Will someone please just give me some advice because honestly I'm screwed in that department. Is there a way to make this not eat at me? I mean she obviously didn't love him. She apparently had sex with him only when she was drunk. I'm the only guy she's ever had sex with sober. She's completely in love with me. The fact that she hurt me this much breaks her heart. I can't hide how much it hurts. I try. I wish I could hide it from her because I love her far too much for me not to. Is there a way for me to get over this quickly so I can stop hurting her even more than I already have? I can't take back the things I've done and neither can she. Help.
Bondings
As you said, she's not really at fault here considering you broke up with her.

I would first make sure to try to limit her hurt feelings and say that it is completely not her fault and that you are mad at yourself for breaking up and causing this whole problem and that she shouldn't blame herself. I'm not sure if this will help much though.

And for yourself, try to consider that she didn't love the guy and maybe see it as an ex-boyfriend situation or similar. I don't think it will be easy, though, so you'll just have to live with it and slowly get over it.

The only other advice I would give is maybe to try to think about other things and do some romantic/fun stuff together.
The_unnamed_label
why not see things under this light: whatever happened in the past, what you want is a future with her...
you made mistakes, and there is no problem with that really, everybody does...
she had another experience, and once again that doesnt really matter, cause by the sound of it, at the end of the day she wants you...
don't question yourself too much about what happened... and start enjoying the present, and to treat her how she deserves it.
Love and relationship are mainly a matter of knowing what you want and who with...
I think that whatever you both did in the past, its the past.
If only flawless people could be in good relationship, trust me, most people would remain single.

Stop torturing yourself with negative thoughts and enjoy everysingle moment with her if thats what you want.

Good luck!
Mrs Lycos
I'd say be honest with her and talk about it. You can't hide something like that from her, anything will bring up these feelings in the future for even the stupidest reasons, and you don't know how you'll react.

And then consider if this happens again, will she go with other guys every time you break up or someone finds her drunk in a party?
Mechallama
Just be honest. Tell her exactly how you feel.
Good luck!
zbale
voiceofreason167 wrote:
About a month and a half ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 21 months. I loved her and it scared me. I never really wanted to lose her. I missed her everyday. I screwed up horribly. I couldn't even be with another girl. The thought of it every time I was going to try or it was going to happen just made no sense. I couldn't imagine being with anyone but her. She cried in her room for 3 weeks and one day she apparently saw me talking to a friend. Just some girl in my class who was asking me what our professor wanted us to do. She saw it differently and started dating some guy who had been asking her out. They had sex about 2 weeks ago like 4 times. The thought of it kills me. I started talking to her again a week ago and she hasn't seen him since. She's been with me. We've had sex. She wants to be with me. The problem isn't getting her back. I'm in love with her. I missed her all that time like someone would miss a arm or a leg. She comples me. That's what scared me. I know I can forgive what happened. I shouldn't even have to. It was MY fault. How could I expect her to just wait for me forever. She can forgive me. Why can't I forget about the fact that she had sex with this guy? What should I do? Will I get over this? Will someone else tell me how lucky I am that this girl will even talk to me? Will someone please just give me some advice because honestly I'm screwed in that department. Is there a way to make this not eat at me? I mean she obviously didn't love him. She apparently had sex with him only when she was drunk. I'm the only guy she's ever had sex with sober. She's completely in love with me. The fact that she hurt me this much breaks her heart. I can't hide how much it hurts. I try. I wish I could hide it from her because I love her far too much for me not to. Is there a way for me to get over this quickly so I can stop hurting her even more than I already have? I can't take back the things I've done and neither can she. Help.


Hey voiceofreason167,

Sorry to hear you're going through a difficult moment.

My first piece of advice would be that you discuss these things with her, quietly. You obviously are a couple in love and that is a great thing and a great strength for you.

I think it is very good of you that you try to understand her behavior and that you understand how bad she feels now, and I think you should make it clear to her that you do understand it.

You can also show her that you focus on the important and positive things that came out of this incident: the two of you have realized how much you are in love with each other and how much commitment matters to you both.

Though it may now look like the contrary, your couple can be strengthened by this. Depending on how you feel about it, you might try to seek help from a couple counselor: they can do wonders in terms of helping a couple become stronger. Alternatively (or in parallel), I would recommend a great book by Covey, called The 7 habits of highly effective people (plus maybe Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, badly written but it's good food for thought). There is in Covey's book a lot to learn about how to behave with others in a way that strengthens the relationship as opposed to sidestepping the difficult issues.

In any case, good luck, it seems that you are a wonderful couple and I hope the two of you never forget that.
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