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TRUST





macky
hi guys... so may i ask, especially those experts, how to trust the person that many times lied to you before? that it always seems your giving the chance over and over again, but still remains as it is... (whew)... Sad
Ankhanu
Sounds like there's nothing TO trust.
Trust is earned. Trust is easily eroded by breaches; continued breaches can completely eliminate the foundation of trust... it may be that the person simply isn't worthy of the trust you want to give them.

It's not pretty, no, but, not everyone is worthy of trust.

EDIT - It seems to me that someone in this situation needs to carefully, and honestly, assess their situation.
.: What about this person keeps you coming back?
.: What about you keeps you coming back?
.: Is it likely that the offending, underlying behaviour/traits have changed (in either party)?
.: What are the benefits of offering yet another chance?
.: What are the costs of offering yet another chance?
.: What are the benefits of walking away and starting anew?


I really think these sorts of trust traps are largely based on complacency and fear. We're afraid of moving to something new, to possibly being alone. "Better the Devil you know" syndrome. Sometimes it's worth while to seek an "angel".
macky
Ankhanu wrote:
Sounds like there's nothing TO trust.
Trust is earned. Trust is easily eroded by breaches; continued breaches can completely eliminate the foundation of trust... it may be that the person simply isn't worthy of the trust you want to give them.

It's not pretty, no, but, not everyone is worthy of trust.

EDIT - It seems to me that someone in this situation needs to carefully, and honestly, assess their situation.
.: What about this person keeps you coming back?
.: What about you keeps you coming back?
.: Is it likely that the offending, underlying behaviour/traits have changed (in either party)?
.: What are the benefits of offering yet another chance?
.: What are the costs of offering yet another chance?
.: What are the benefits of walking away and starting anew?


I really think these sorts of trust traps are largely based on complacency and fear. We're afraid of moving to something new, to possibly being alone. "Better the Devil you know" syndrome. Sometimes it's worth while to seek an "angel".


okay thanks here are my answers.

.: What about this person keeps you coming back?

ANSWER:

She says she loves me and no one likes me.

.: What about you keeps you coming back?

ANSWER:

I really love her. Besides those offense are minors but it hurts.


.: Is it likely that the offending, underlying behaviour/traits have changed (in either party)?

ANSWER:

uhm yeah.. when she's at home, she's different. When she hangs with her friends she's also diffrent. What i mean is she changed moods and attitudes in an instant.


.: What are the benefits of offering yet another chance?


ANSWER:

Because some how i believed that she might changed. That she did not intentionally mean it.


.: What are the costs of offering yet another chance?


ANSWER:

of course it almost like that i gamble in a game, no assurance what will happen afterwards.



.: What are the benefits of walking away and starting anew?

ANSWER:

it's very hard. i never had a girl like her, maybe you ask, what is that, well we had the best relationships before but when she started to work, she had no time for me. Now i took a glance on her office to see why is that but i had no chance to seemingly observe there. It takes a month before letting go someone especially when you have lots of memories that made.
Ankhanu
Sorry, I wasn't asking for answers to those questions Smile
My point was that it's important to reflect on the whole situation and assess the strengths, weaknesses, risks and benefits of the relationship... it's a deeply personal exercise, and not one that can be rushed through.

If you do choose to stay, I also suggest that the two of you need to really communicate your issues. It's not easy to talk to someone about these topics, and we have instinctive reactions to become defensive when our shortcomings are brought to the fore... but it is important. Of course, both parties need to be willing and honest for this to have any effect whatsoever.

If you decide it's time to move on, yeah, it's going to hurt... it always does. But, the hurt heals, and you may discover greater experiences.

Relationships and remaining in or abandoning them, are always a balance of trade-offs. There's no ultimate right answer here, it's all personal experience.

(Though "She says she loves me and no one likes me" sounds a little abusive and demonstrates a lack of respect... in addition to the lack of respect evident by whatever is being done to break your trust in the first place).

Hope you work your way through your situation quickly and with a minimum of pain.
Bluedoll
"uhm yeah.. when she's at home, she's different. When she hangs with her friends she's also diffrent. What i mean is she changed moods and attitudes in an instant. "

I don't know what is going on here but I do know the issue of trust lies within ourselves and is not about her. To be clear, you are the one that needs to have trust or not have trust for that matter. You do not need an 'expert' for that. If what you are feeling is mistrust that is not good and you need to address it. That feeling can be justified or not. I hope, it is not the case, but you can love someone that lies, just accepting that fact is extremely difficult sometimes impossible to live with. Not all lies are serious and sometimes not lies at all, nor are all moods and attitudes.

Like I said, I do not know what is going on or has gone on. You need to work that out with her. As for being different or changing our minds, all I can say is that is allowed.
macky
okay thanks to the both of you... i realize something.. Smile
The_unnamed_label
macky wrote:
okay thanks to the both of you... i realize something.. Smile


May I ask... what did you realise?
herry1
Hi..............

Topic is very nice, I like this topic so much. Very Happy

I write a quotation.....

"TRUST is like an elastic band stretched by 2 people as long as they hold It

But
the Moment one leaves it the other gets Terrible Pain."

Thanks
best sms marketing solutions
Greatking
Trust is such a delicate thing that must not be toyed with.

Someone who does not respect your feelings can not be trusted.

Someone who is always saying sorry cannot be trusted because they know that they can always sorry and that makes things okay, regardless of who they lie to or hurt.



After a dozen of sorries, the word trust disappears.
c'tair
Greatking wrote:



After a dozen of sorries, the word trust disappears.


This man speaks the truth.

I know what you are feeling, OP. I can't make the decision for you, but this is what I would do if I were you (based on my own experience):
Leave her. Enjoy being single for a few months and then find another girl friend. During those few months as single, focus on yourself. Learn new skills, travel, meet new people etc. It's really exciting. I've been single for the past 2 years and my old friends are surprised at all the things I got done, how I look, where I work...
It really helps to focus on yourself instead of other people once in a while.
Da Rossa
Answering straight the question, without reading others' posts:

Why to begin an internal campaign to trust someone who lied a lot of times in the past? We can tolerate once or even twice, because love gives chances. "Many", on the other hand, is not acceptable. Love yourself.
Greatking
You must have trust in every relationship otherwise its not worth it. Since this person refused to allow room for the trust to work then you must move on. You must explain to her the essence of trust and the reason you are moving on.
deanhills
Greatking wrote:
You must have trust in every relationship otherwise its not worth it. Since this person refused to allow room for the trust to work then you must move on. You must explain to her the essence of trust and the reason you are moving on.
Good point. Along the lines of you have to give trust in order to receive trust. I guess in this way trust is a real leap of faith.
airh3ad
To trust someone you must trust your self. the relationship you had will last forever if you both have a trust.
mshafiq
If it is regarding relationship then it really does matter.
However if it is for less important aspects of life then it can be ignored.
For example if other person tells about he bought this shirt from BLUE NAVY or BAY but infect got from Kijiji at a price of pennies. It may not matter a lot. However if the person tells he was just wandering with that person but in fact slept/made sex with that person it might not be compromise-able.
So what depends is what is not important near you can really be ignored safely.
Let me tell you a real example, one of my friends has the habit of bragging but I really ignore it and it really does not matter to me. What Is important to me is his sincerity and he is always with me in tough situations.
However it is really to comment but hard to act properly in real life so wish you good luck.
zbale
macky wrote:
hi guys... so may i ask, especially those experts, how to trust the person that many times lied to you before? that it always seems your giving the chance over and over again, but still remains as it is... (whew)... :(


Wow, sounds tough... Sorry to hear.

My advice would be like (it may sound a bit abrupt but so is the situation as you describe it):

- If you are sure you want to stay with that person find a way (any way) to start doing couple counseling with someone good.

- If you are not sure you want to stay with that person, just don't stay with her (or him). Break up and move on.

Good luck!
Greatking
In a social context, trust has several connotations.[1] The typical definition of trust[2] follows the general intuition about trust and contains such elements as:


the willingness of one party (trustor) to rely on the actions of another party (trustee);
reasonable expectation (confidence) of the trustor that the trustee will behave in a way beneficial to the trustor;


risk of harm to the trustor if the trustee will not behave accordingly; and
the absence of trustor's enforcement or control over actions performed by the trustee.


Trust can be attributed to relationships between people. It can be demonstrated that humans have a natural disposition to trust and to judge trustworthiness that can be traced to the neurobiological structure and activity of a human brain, and can be altered
friho
i think if the thing happens so many time,i would choice not trust him .trust is based on the respect with each other. now that he always lied to you ,why should you forgive him and trust him?
if you insisted in trust him , maybe you should let him promise that he wouldn't tell lie again and write down the promise in paper.
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