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Anyone against arranged marriages?





deanhills
Last night when I was in a taxi, an obviously highly educated Indian driver from Bombay made me really think about the topic of arranged marriages. He said that there was a much lower percentage of divorces in India than in the rest of the world, as there is less of an expectation of love when people marry. Marriage is just seen as a great change in their lives with no real expectations. Love happens afterwards, and if not, it does not.

Anyone agree with him? I'm a very traditional Westerner, and like to have a choice. I've always been a rebel as far as people wanting to make decisions for me. But I can see his point of view as well. There is more focus on family than the individuals who get married, and families jointly deciding who their children should marry. Just bad luck however if a woman ends up in an abusive relationship, although that can of course happen in marriages that are not arranged as well. But apparently that is frowned upon in India as well, and she would be able to get a divorce ..... eventually.
LittleBlackKitten
In the worst cases, the women are terrified of leaving, because if they do, they're as good as dead, can't marry again, and will end up running for their lives. In the best, they wind up in another country where there are rights instead of arabic law...

I don't claim to be well informed about it, but I do know women are opressed and held in fear every day of their lives in India in a lot of bad cases. Some men are not so traditional, but even then, it's pretty bad.

I can't agree with a country where the woman is not equal to the man, or has to walk a few feet behind her man in servitude to him. Their arranged marriages might survive, but that's only because a lot of them are hollow.
D'Artagnan
we must not see it out of context, and most cultures where it does exist its so entangled with religion and trandition , its almost impossible to analyse the "arranged marriage" topic alone.

I guess i'm not proactivelly against it, but i'm not in favor for sure.

i believe that what leads to the high rates of divorce we see in todays western society and the logevity of arranged marriages in the middle eastern society, are completelly different factors that play important roles in people life in both "sides", family, social status, finnacial stability, i think it does have very different weights and measures in each culture and can't be all placed over the same balance.

i don't think the culture of "arranged marriages" is good because you don't know the person beforehand, i think it's as bad as our banalization of the "common marriage" where people have the option to really know the person beforehand and choose not to do so.

still i don't find the "arranged marriages" unfair by nature, what would be unfair is not giving people the option to "get out" an abusive relationship of any kind and not having the proper mechanisms to fairly protect the people involved, both spouses and th children.

everything else is cultural and don't have its roots on the marriage itself.

*i should be a sociologist Razz
macky
yeah it is somewhat culture of one country ...

i guess it is better to be married with the person who really like and really love to...
deanhills
LittleBlackKitten wrote:
In the worst cases, the women are terrified of leaving, because if they do, they're as good as dead, can't marry again, and will end up running for their lives. In the best, they wind up in another country where there are rights instead of arabic law...
I'm sure it must be different from country to country, but in the UAE women are very much protected by their families. If a woman should marry and the man not treat her well, then the family will take her back, and if necessary help her to divorce the man. They would then work on arranging for another marriage. There are negatives that women can never go out on their own, they can only exist within the confines of their families, but the offsetting positive is that hell has no fury like a family scorned. Once it has been determined that the husband has treated their daughter less than she deserved, then he is in trouble.
metalfreek
There are obviously advantages and disadvantages of Love and arrange marriage.

In arrange marriage its not that you marry a total strangers. You will have a chance to know each other better and than decide whether to marry or not. I think arrange marriage will work better in most case but there are some bad examples as well. Arrange marriage is not only about couples but it is also about building a big relationship between two families. Arrange marriage is highly governed by culture and traditions.

Love marriage is also not at all bad. Actually I prefer Love marriage because here you will know everything about each other and you will make adjustments accordingly. In this way there is a less chance that you will get into a fight after marriage.


Regarding the lower divorce rate in arrange marriage, its not because most marriage is working well but its because of the fact that this marriage is bounded by culture, tradition and social nature. Most people will learn to live with the hardship they face with the marriage. Getting divorce in this case will invite a lot of hate and social detachment. So, most people will just adopt to the situation and continue their lives.
deanhills
metalfreek wrote:
Regarding the lower divorce rate in arrange marriage, its not because most marriage is working well but its because of the fact that this marriage is bounded by culture, tradition and social nature. Most people will learn to live with the hardship they face with the marriage. Getting divorce in this case will invite a lot of hate and social detachment. So, most people will just adopt to the situation and continue their lives.
Agreed, except perhaps in the lower divorce rate scenario, the family completely hands over their daughter to the son and there are not many choices open to her if he should not be a good husband, whereas in the UAE, the family never really let go of their daughters. So as a result the divorce rate in the UAE is almost as high as in the United States. It is very difficult to get a divorce, but if one has the family behind you, not that less difficult as in the West.
dapopeyoh
I don't think arranged marriages are good, especially for the couples. Some of them might find it difficult to love each other and though they live together, they do everything else apart. Most of them might even have affairs outside, with someone they truly love.
saratdear
Speaking as an Indian here (not of the marriageable age though Smile ) - I am not against arranged marriages; that's how my parents were married off, and a lot of people I know. But people are choosing their life partners a lot as well. Frankly, I am looking for the 'arranged' love marriage - I want to choose my girl and marry her with everybody's approval.
hunnyhiteshseth
I would infact favour a little bit extension of love marriage - arrange marriage continuum, i.e. extending the choice argument further then why do we need marriage, why not just abolish marriage as an institution and let people have ultimate freedom of choosing their partners whenever they like!
deanhills
hunnyhiteshseth wrote:
I would infact favour a little bit extension of love marriage - arrange marriage continuum, i.e. extending the choice argument further then why do we need marriage, why not just abolish marriage as an institution and let people have ultimate freedom of choosing their partners whenever they like!
Maybe some people need the safety of having people help them choose their partners. Sort of a family thing that has worked for many people?
a1webshopping
I wouldn't like it personally but it is a cultural thing so I respect that.
mukesh
I think love marriage is better then arrange marriage because you have details and and u know all activity of her which you like. But in Indian Indian ppl like arrange marriage because here the culture of arrange.
bugy
yup im against it! no body needs it to get merry
Greatking
Marriage is a sacred bond between two souls, a relationship in which a male and a female promise to be companions for a life span after tying the nuptial knot.

It brings significant stability and security in the relationships of human beings, which is otherwise incomplete.

It is not only a union of two human beings but also of two families.

Marriage to some extent cannot be successful without the blessings and consent of the members of the family.

It doesn't matter whether it is a love marriage or an arranged marriage, the success of this relationship is all that matters as long as there is mutual understanding and respect between the two.

After all it takes two to tango.
Greatking
Arranged Marriages offer security for women since they have their family backup whereas love marriages provide freedom and more independence.

In love marriages, since the boy and the girl know each other for a long time, they know what to expect from one another, they are aware of each others weaknesses and strengths before tying the sacred knot.

They get time to explore things related to each other's nature, well before wedding.

Hence it makes easier to develop a decent comfort level after marriage, with ease and thereby helps them to survive throughout the rocky phases of life.
Greatking
On the other hand, when a marriage is arranged by the parents, the two people do not know much about each other, they learn about and discover each other after marriage, sometimes their likes and dislikes might not match but it is too late by then.

If all goes well then a love marriage can turn out to be a blessing else, it can be a disaster in which mainly the women have to suffer.

In a love marriage the boy not only loves but also respects his partner whereas in most arranged marriages the female is only treated as a commodity that may be loved bot not necessarily respected.
kharol_016
i guess it's much better to get married to someone you really love (aw.how romantic huh?)
but nowadays, most people get married because of money, so it's like similar to arranged marriages.
missdixy
Really the notion of 'romantic love' in a marriage is a pretty new thing. For many, many years people have married for political (etc.) reasons, and often have romantic love with someone outside of the relationship. I think I would no oppose to arranged marriages in a society as well as it was well-established in that society that people could go ahead and find romantic love elsewhere.
graceysmith12
When it is determined that the man treats his daughter less than they deserve when he fights. Many factors exists. It can be negative women who can not leave their own, can only exist in their family, but the disadvantages are positive that hell has no fury like a scorned family.
sudipbanerjee
Can anybody give gurrantee that in there will be no problem after love maariage. For me marriage is some love, some compromise, some responsibility. If anyone try to fulfill his duty properly then there will be no problem- may be it love marriage or arranged marriage. for information, I have done arranged marrriage in 2009. I am living happily now.
menino
Arranged marriages are part of the culture of India, as well as other places in Asia, mostly, including the Arab nations.
In the previous generations, arranged marriages have worked well, but in this current generations, I believe that most marriages, be it arranged or so-called-love don't have as much success ratio.
Also in most parts of India, a lot of arranged marriages have what is called a dowry, which is what the bride's family pays to the bridegroom's family, which is usually a big sum of money, or property, or both among a lot of other things.
In my opinion, usually the wife remains loyal to the husband bound by this "payment", because if she leaves, then it is a big financial loss for them, whatever the problem may be; so the wife usually works hard to keep the marriage steady.
In some parts of the arab world, I think its the groom that pays the bride's family, but I guess it depends.

I am not against arranged marriages, as I think that people can love and live with each other even if they have differences and are not that compatible. But as human beings, aren't we all supposed to be compatible with each other?
lovelyviki
i am against arranged marriages.
i think india marriage is a one-sided argument.
devoice rate can not mean happiness, it is just a situation.
mengshi200
Arranged marriages have also good way.many person said marriaged is love 's enemy,so they refuse marriage.many young man actually did not know what marriage is.
houston32
One can argue that arranged marriages last longer with a low divorce rate, but that's only because Indian culture makes it extremely difficult for people to get divorced that are in a forced 'arranged' marriage.

Arranged marriages are fine if that is what both the bride and groom want, but what about when only 1 person is wanting the arranged marriage and the other doesn't want it whatsoever? If the person who doesn't want the 'arrangement' resists in any way, his/her family threatens him/her until they submit or face being kicked out of the family. I don't suppose Indian parents believe in unconditional love or believing that their son/daughter deserves to be happy with whom they wish.

I realize some people will be upset with my post, but it is logical to ask, why force someone to marry someone if they do not want to be with them?

I have a very close friend who is American and has lived here for nearly his whole life. His parents came to the U.S. when he was a couple of months old from Bangalore, so this is his everyday culture; - eats, breathes, sleeps American. Anyway, his parents made him marry an Indian girl from India who I guess his parents arranged through the town they are from in Malleswaram/Mandya, and made him marry this person he did not want to be with. He had always dated American girls, but had to behind his parents backs b/c they absolutely forbid it. When I asked him what his parent's problem was, b/c this guy is EXTREMELY miserable and I was trying to give him some advice... He basically explained that it's expected to 'preserve' the culture. However, the real kicker is that he never plans to have children with his forced partner, and he refuses to sleep with her. He has already wasted 4 years of his life.... Down the drain!!

Make a long story short, he has told the wife he was forced to marry that he is very unhappy and does not want to be married, at which point, she has been calling her parents and his parents getting him into trouble so as to make him or force him to like her. The whole thing is pretty sick and twisted. He ended up having an affair, which is to be expected when you force someone to marry a person, ESPECIALLY when you are forcing an American Indian to marry an Indian from India. However, he's still having an 'affair' if you wanna call it that, but he has told the forced spouse, Madhu, to please let him go and realize it isn't working. She knows he has been sleeping with someone else for almost 2 years now and yet Madhu refuses to let him be happy. She has threatened to have him arrested if he files, she calls family members, the whole thing gets pretty bad..

I just find the whole thing so baffling that he is a doctor and she has an MBA and is also an engineer, but yet the culture is so oppressed. Is that even culture? Is it culture for an Indian woman like Madhu to stay married to someone who has repeatedly told her that they don't want to be with her, for her to do all those heinous things? Most Indians I know say that is NOT the culture to stay with a man who tells you he doesn't like you and continues to see his girlfriend of 2 years.

I know he is having to come up with a way to separate from her and to tell his parents it is over with. I think it's just sad that his parents will want to cut him off when he chooses to live his own life. Can anyone offer any suggestions?
Srini2000
There is a difference between arranged marriages and forced marriages. Often, we end up assuming that all arranged marriages are forced marriages. It is also true that arranged marriages might be forced due to lack of education, culture, and poverty in many parts of India. But the funny thing with India is that you will find all statements to be true.

If arranged marriages come about as a result of free choice, it is not that bad! In fact, research studies on arranged marriages have shown us that they tend to last longer. Here is an article that has some interesting points about arranged marriages from a scientific point of view. http://www.jodilogik.com/wordpress/index.php/6-facts-about-arranged-marriage/
loveandormoney
deanhills wrote:
Last night when I was in a taxi, an obviously highly educated Indian driver from Bombay made me really think about the topic of arranged marriages. He said that there was a much lower percentage of divorces in India than in the rest of the world, as there is less of an expectation of love when people marry. Marriage is just seen as a great change in their lives with no real expectations. Love happens afterwards, and if not, it does not.

Anyone agree with him? I'm a very traditional Westerner, and like to have a choice. I've always been a rebel as far as people wanting to make decisions for me. But I can see his point of view as well. There is more focus on family than the individuals who get married, and families jointly deciding who their children should marry. Just bad luck however if a woman ends up in an abusive relationship, although that can of course happen in marriages that are not arranged as well. But apparently that is frowned upon in India as well, and she would be able to get a divorce ..... eventually.


Its told

they have never any trouble.
pauline5765
houston32 wrote:
I know he is having to come up with a way to separate from her and to tell his parents it is over with. I think it's just sad that his parents will want to cut him off when he chooses to live his own life. Can anyone offer any suggestions?


It's probably their culture and tradition to do so. And unfortunately for your American Indian friend, he probably just have to live life away from his traditional family if he wants to get out of his miserable situation.

It may also be connected to "shame". It's usually embarrassing for both families and it would be a mess of rumors, where even people living 10 blocks away from your house, people from your workplace, people that are distantly related to you, knew about the failed marriage.

The concept of "family" is ingrained in the culture of Asian people, that having a failed marriage and broken family may be equivalent to having an unsuccessful life.

It happens more to older generations, for example, my grandmother would always tell me, that what good is money? fame? career? If you have an unhappy family life.

After work, to who you go home to? After retiring, to who would you spend the rest of your life with? After the end of the day and after everything... it's the warmth and love of a family that you would need. Blood is thicker than water, they say. Smile
Da Rossa
No, I can't agree with that. No one should be stripped of the power to consent because someone else wants. It's about ones freedom. It's something we westerns value a lot.

It's like asking afghanis to understand that women are not underclass citizens and that they should wear normal clothes. They would simply tell us to shut up.
jestoy0514
I do believe others has no problem with the arrange marriage. Just like the one I know he saw the girl just on the wedding day. But they are still happy about it. But i do believe on the rights of people to whom he/she will choose for the rest of his/her life by loving one another.
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