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A broken man's long story... / advice.





Nintendo
Hi everyone.

It's been a very long time since I used this forum... But i'm kind of at a stage in life where I just need to unload some stress and feeling somewhere, because there's noone that I can really talk to about it. I also remember there being some very nice people in this community, and they were really nice to me before.

I'm 19, almost coming on 20. And due to recent events, I feel really old and useless. Seeing people much younger than me achieving so much more with their life and making the most of what they have. What have I got currently? Education... currently at university ye... and in between? I'll play some games... lol.

Back before 2008, I was really happy and content. I wasn't bothered about girls or relationships or whatever. My philosophy was just to take what comes. I didn't "look" for girlfriends, or for the love of my life or anything like that. It just doesn't seem natural or right that way. I just lived happily, in my own little solitude =x.

But in the easter of 2008, I was in the 2 week break of my final year at college before coursework deadlines and exams. Naturally I spent this time not actually doing any of my work, but playing games and wasting times in other ingenious ways Smile.

But I started talking to a girl over this game i play. Let me please point out, i've spoken to many people and made many friends online over this game. For the new year, I'm even flying out to sweden to spend new years with 3 friends I met totally through this game, 3 really nice people. So as you can hopefully see, I really haven't got any kind of... desperate relationship intentions. I just like to get to know people.

But it turned out that we got on very well... very very well. She found me really funny, and she was just the most incredible and interesting person i've ever met. We used to just talk and talk over msn for hours and hours. I will always remember... due to the fact i wasn't doing any of my college work, I suddenly had to do all of it in the last 2 days xD. I basically did 2 allnighters in a row to get all the work done. And those were probably some of the best nights of my life. Because she stayed up with me the entire time, talked with me and told me everything would be fine.

As time went on, I got ABCD at college with my A levels... and my application to university was successful. During this time, me and her had totally fallen in love, and we stayed up almost every night talking to each other over skype. We used to read each other full novels, cos we loved each others voice and we just tried to spend as much time together as possible. But ofcourse, you're probably asking yourself... so why not meet? Why not do what you both want? I will get to that point shortly...

I had made the decision to go to uni. The night before I went, she cried to me and it was the most heartbreaking night i've ever had. Because she cried and cried, and she told me that she'd miss me like hell and that she knew i wouldn't be around nearly as much as I was during the summer holidays, where we spent all of our time together, online. It was then, that I should have cancelled it all. I shouldn't have gone to uni, I shouldn't have put anything else in front of her.

It might sound stupid... It certainly does to me actually haha. Back then, I used to get really annoyed at people saying they were in love and stuff at secondary school. Cos I knew it couldn't really be true. I feel there are so many people that use that word so easily, and think they're in love when they're perhaps just really attached, or excited. It's really hard for me to explain actually, but I knew that I had no idea what love was at that point. And I told myself I wouldn't have any clue until a lot later in my life, if I ever got that opportunity.

But the way I feel right now, and the way I felt for my sweetheart that time ago... It couldn't be anything else. I've come to realise in losing her, that nothing else really matters. Going to uni... winning a tournament.... going on hoilday.... going for a skydive... It means nothing. Because nothing is worth being done now that she's not in my life.

So what happened? I went to uni and things started falling apart, slowly. My time with her was much more limited, and she cried to me many times. And what did I do? I took it all for granted. I told her everything would be okay, and that we just have to be patient and everything will work out. We started to have stupid arguments. I started to spend time with my housemates over coming to my computer and spending time with my love. If she wasn't online, I would play a game. If she appeared while I was playing, I would finish it before speaking to her, instead of just quitting and spending every precious second I had with her. Why? I don't know...

And the twist? You may assume that we were both from the same place, the UK. But that wasn't the case. She is canadian, and me british. So why did I decide to go to uni over try to make a life with her? Cos I was young... only 18... she was so far away... and I was afraid. And that's why I acted like a moron, and I prioritised the plans for my life over what I should have been planning for her.

And where did it get me? At the end of my first year at uni, she left me and found someone else. She told me about this someone else, how he spent every second for her, how he made her feel like the most special person in the world, how he let her know all of the time just how special she was to him. How everything was second to her, any plans or any priorities. Not because she asked for it from him, but because he 100% wanted to give her that dedication. He demonstrated to her, just how much she was loved by him.

The final mistake I made before she broke up with me, was that I went to go and see my friends in Sweden. My excuse at the time, was that overall costs to get to sweden and back was just more than 100, as opposed to the just over 1000 it would take me to get to Canada and back. It was the final straw for her, and she told me she no longer loved me like she used to, because I didn't show her that I loved her. And looking back... How right she was...

Please don't judge me too soon, fellow readers who have taken this much time to read through my rant... Since this has happened to me, I have lived in NOTHING but pure repentance for all the pain i put her through, and all the mistakes I made that led to us splitting up. I don't care how much some other guy showed her how much she meant to him. I can 100% promise anyone that I love her more than he or anyone else ever could. I made so many stupid mistakes, and I was so confused throughout the whole ordeal.

In hindsight, I can finally see how much of a complete moron I was. I cannot believe all the small stupid things I did, because I was too scared to fully commit to her over the distance. I was "playing it safe". I was scared of what other people would think of me, trying to make a life for myself with someone on the opposite side of the globe. What if it went wrong, what would people think of me? Hahaha, how much of a stupid idiot I was. What does any of that matter now?

I was so concerned with how other people would see me, that I didn't give her everything I wish to god should have given her. Now that she's gone, I realise now that everything that I have left, doesn't actually have any value. Education, future career prospects? I just don't care anymore. I don't want any of it. I'd happily spend the rest of my life as a toilet cleaner, if it would mean I could spend the rest of my life with her. Because having chances for some better job later in life, just means ****** all now. I don't want any of it. And now i'm starting to cry, because it just breaks me into pieces every time.

There isn't a minute that goes by every day, where I don't think about her, and whether or not she is safe and happy. Where I don't think about all the mistakes I made, which have changed the entire path of my life. It's been 6 months now, people tell me time is the best healer. But it's only made everything worse. I've had to block all contact with her, because I feel like someone's stabbing me in the chest with a knife when I see her talking, so happy, or when i see pictures of her with this new love of her life. I still have pictures of her saved on my computer, and logs of conversations I had with her over the year. And there are times when my eyes will flick over to them when I'm browsing through my files, and I'll just be transfixed. Sometimes for hours. Just in a state of bitter reminiscance.

So what is the point of me writing all of this? I want to make a message. If you're ever having relationship difficulties, all you have to do is ask yourself one thing: Do you love him / her? If the answer is yes, then you have to cast any fears or doubts aside, and make the risks which will allow you to live your life together. Because trust me, if you don't, you will end up regretting it for the rest of your life. And it's not something you want to go through.

The smartest people in this world, are the people that know how important what they have is, before they lose it. Maths, science doesn't play a part. Never be afraid to let the ENTIRE WORLD KNOW just how much you love her. If they say to themselves "jeez what a drama queen" or whatever you are afraid of, then ****** them. What matters is her. Don't be afraid, embrace what you truly believe in.

I know I will never be the same, I'm a much different person to who I was 1 year ago. Perhaps for the best, perhaps for the worst, who knows. My friends tell me I can't blame myself, that there's 2 to a relationship. But ironically, it's because I wasn't thinking about that while I was with her, which has caused me and her all of this pain. I will live on, empty and basically emotionless as I have been the last 6 months. I will exist, eat, talk, sleep. And in between I will think and dream in the past, which is where my real life takes place nowadays.

I shared my entire existance and personality with her. She was my second half. And she was the only person I could talk to about everything. Before her, I had the deepest and darkest secrets which I couldn't tell anybody. But with her, it was the biggest relief, to be able to share everything with someone I loved, and with someone who loved me back. And now it's gone. It's all gone. And I miss her so much, and I feel so incredibly alone that I just don't want to do anything anymore...

In one of our last conversations, I asked her "what should I do?" I had previously begged her over and over to give me one more chance, and to let me prove to her how much she meant. She told me it was too late. And in response to my question, she said I should I should go and learn an instrument. Because she knows I've studied music for 5 years, and that I love it, but can't actually play an instrument. And I swear to god, if it's the last thing I do, I will make sure I do just that.

Thank you for taking the time to read all of this =x. I hope you don't feel like it's been a waste of your time. And I hope that noone else falls into such a heartbreaking point in life like I have.

Thomas.
LittleBlackKitten
In my experience, online relationships never work. They seem all glorious and passionate because there's that massive safety barrier between two people, and the gloves come off - people can be whoever they WANT to be online, and it ends up backfiring because the person they're representing to be is usually not the real person they are offline. But, when the truth comes out, often after a while on an online relationship, and sometimes after they meet for real, it ends up not being quite what they expected.

I have had men use false pictures, misrepresent their age, location, and GENDER three times just to have that feeling, that "I have a girlfriend" or "I am in love" thing that they're sp hungry for, whether they realize it or not. Or, in your case, it's not taken seriously and someone ends up hurt, and usually scarred from it.

I know this all too well, because I'm married to the aftermath of a horrible online-started relationship.

Let me give you the best advice that I possibly can; go out with your friends more. Talk to the people around you. Don't worry so much about that latest achievement or video game score; just do your best, and get out more. The online world is not a safe place to gain love by any stretch of the imagination.

If someone has to turn to the internet to find a relationship, that should stir questions. If they can't find someone in real life, they try to find someone online. Why? If someone is in a HEALTHY state of being, there should be no issue finding someone to be with outside of the internet. If someone has to use the internet to find love, there is something SERIOUSLY WRONG with them. Mentally, Emotionally, Psychologically, or Physically. You have to ask yourself; can you really honestly be in a long distance relationship with someone who must turn to the internet to have a relationship? I have never ONCE met someone solely online that was fit in either the mind, body, or heart. Ever. I have "been with" (as in online relationships) with men who have turned out to be a murderer, someone with severe schizophrenia, someone with suicidal reaction to stress, someone who has killed a child, someone who is a serial rapist, just to mention the extreme cases (three of these were the same person). I even had a real relationship with someone from my area whom SEEMED nice, until he let on he was on drugs, and decided me telling him no sex wasn't the answer he wanted.

One might start to think that I might just be paranoid and got the bad end of the stick here. Well, I have met some sweet guys whom I just couldn't afford to move to, some which I even still have a huge soft spot for, and know if I ever lost my husband, got over it, and had the money, I'd go be with - but these people I didn't exclusively meet online, but through friends of friends - and this even sticks to the rule; if they're meeting online, they're effed in the head, and that's all there is to it. Even women can fall under this rule too; I have been in relationships with women, too, (some claiming to be men, others honest) whom have been some pretty sick puppies (think Abby from CSI meets Sid from Toy Story) and some women that were using face pictures (and were 350 pounds in a wheel chair).

THese kinds of people have inner beauty - the personalities that in real life are buried under miles of pain, suffering, or psychological issues - and therein lies the trouble. One can't see the real person that would be present offline - you only get to see the buried self; the self that can't get out any more. I even openly admit that I was a really sick puppy myself back in the day, before I was really honest and open with myself and my God, when I really began to change, and see the truth of online love. I wasn't ready to meet my current husband until I was ready to confront MYSELF - and become the human being that my God wanted me to become. Only when we are honest with ourselves and get rid of the layers of fat and gristle on our souls and minds can we begin to earn the right to a real, genuine, in-love relationship that lasts until death-do-we-part.

My husband and I both had to come to terms to reality, the parts of ourselves we were hiding from ourselves, and were burying away online. Only when we confronted the reality of these horrible parts of ourselves were we permitted to be together again. (We split up in high school because of circumstances) - but I thoroughly believe it was God pulling us apart to become the people we needed to become, to learn some hard lessons, and to place us back together when we had become whom we needed to be for eachother.
Nintendo
Thanks for your opinions LittleBlackKitten.

I disagree mostly with what you said though.

Firstly, I never "turned" to an internet relationship, and neither did she. It really just kind of unexpectadly happened :f. I've had gfs irl before, as had she.. i don't see where "turning" fits in =x.

Secondly, I think you have kind of got the wrong end of the stick. People don't have to be "effed" up to try and use the net for relationships. And also, you said about people not being "fit" in some way or another in that case. Erm? The same chances apply to people looking IRL, as much as people looking on the net surely.

But the point of this thread is beside the point of "internet relationships". I refer to it as long distance, because I know her like noone else and it wasn't just some stupid spur of the net. Whether or not it was Long distance or not. The fact remains that the reason it ended was because of my fear, and my mistakes. Not because of some lack-of-knowledge cos of the net.
LittleBlackKitten
I wasn't implicating you PERSONALLY in that comment, that was a general "its not safe because x" comment. If you notice, I mentioned that you were just not taking the relationship seriously. Also, not EVERYONE using the internet for relationships are sick - but about 90% are, so its just not safe. But truly, if one HAS to use the internet to find someone, there IS something VERY wrong with that individual - I didn't mention those who just happen to find someone else by chance like in your case.
Nintendo
okey... I took it as serious as ever =x
watersoul
LittleBlackKitten wrote:
Also, not EVERYONE using the internet for relationships are sick - but about 90% are, so its just not safe.

I'd be interested in your source for that claim?

@Nintendo/Thomas, good luck with it all, I don't know how old you are but I'm sure many more lovely people will cross your path and light your life before you find the right one.
It can all seem so difficult sometimes but enjoy learning the experiences of all the people you meet - we're all human and you'll never find a perfect one...just some folk who tick more boxes than others do.
Nintendo
Hey,

It says my age at the top of the post, but it's easy to miss with so much text i guess =x

I used to think the same as you watersoul... But now i've been through such a life changing experiance for me, i personally realise that it's the combinations of all the "boxes they do tick" and "boxes they don't tick" are what make you appreciate and love them even more. And it's these different combinations that give you someone who's perfect... i had someone perfect man... :'/

If anything, the things i miss most is her telling me off for doing silly things, or even her doing things that used to annoy me. I would do anything to get them back =x. I feel like such an idiot and a fool, and I just hope that others don't make the same mistakes I did. Because it doesn't feel good =x

Thank you so much for your replies and contributions.
watersoul
Sorry Nintendo, I see your age now and don't know how I missed it.
I'm glad you've got a few years before you get as old as me, you've gained a few experiences and they will make you stronger for the future.
Don't feel like an idiot or fool though, there's not a man I know or have ever known who hasn't made the wrong call (repeatedly) with different relationships. I have messed up many times and would never be surprised if I do so again in the future.

Love/lust/attraction is a very powerful force and we all get a bit vulnerable when under it's influence...that's what makes it exciting!

PS, I know it's a cliche about time healing and all that, but it took me a year to get over someone else once, so I understand how strong that painful feeling can be sometimes.
Getting out and having fun with new faces in my scene has always helped though - if only for as long as the 'fun' night lasted Wink

Good luck fella.
deanhills
Nintendo. The relationship with the Canadian girl was therefore on the Internet only? You have never met her personally?

Have you thought about the possibility that if you had joined her and you started to get to know one another up close and personally that you may not have liked one another as much? You may have discovered differences that may not have been obvious during your online relationship?

Another possibility is that she may have had a life of her own with someone else. She may have been sincere in her communications with you, but it may never have been possible for you to have a life together as she already was in a relationship with someone else. So instead of telling you honestly, she is trying to get out of it with no blame attaching to her. Perhaps she may have been manipulating you as well, and was hoping for you to go to University, as that would have taken the burden off her of having two relationships. It may have been very painful for her, but at the same time provided a solution for her. If she really wanted you, she would have given you a second chance. There are millions of these scenarios possible.

Maybe part of the unhappiness following your break-up has to do with the fact that you are always referring back to the past, instead of embracing the future. I don't think you are unique in escaping your present life by living a past one that is gone. Most of us have done that in a way. Have you thought about it that maybe your present life is not what you really like because it is not what you really want for yourself? And that that has nothing to do with the past? And so instead of facing what you don't like about your life today head-on, and looking what you can do about it in the present, you are referring back to the past as some sort of cop-out?

If I were you, I would go and talk to a counsellor about this as obviously this is bugging you a lot, and perhaps this attachment with this past relationship has become some sort of addiction as well, and preventing you from living your life in the present to the fullest. The counsellor won't tell you what to do, but will get you to talk and come to your own powerful insights. I think it is enormously important that you get to grips with the problem, so that you can make peace with your past, and get to return to your present moment. I wish you the best with it. Just know that the longer you stay stuck, the worse it can get, and it will definitely help if you can talk to someone who is completely detached from you, and who you can trust as well. The sooner you can resolve this for yourself, the easier life will become for you. All the complications are really in your thinking, not in life itself. If you can straighten your thinking out, life won't become perfect, but it will take care of this burden and make things easier and enjoyable again.
standready
Ok, I am going to be the BAD here.
You are young. Seems to me that she was extremely demanding and not very understanding. She should of thought more of you and your goals if she truly cared and made adjustments for your schooling and other friends. Your education should be important to both of you! Education opens new doors. At least the two of you could share "some" time online. That is more than many could.

As Dean addressed, the two of you had not met in person. Many of your impressions might have changed once the two of you were face to face and able to embrace each other.

My advice: MOVE ON! You will find someone else, hopefully a better someone will care about you instead of just themselves.
Nintendo
Thank you loads for your help =x

I've been desperately trying to find repose in what's happened. When I read back at things I write, it can sometimes seem so dramatised and over the top. Like "why is he making so much out of a breakup"? kind of thing =x.

But to me it meant so much because of how special it was for me to share everything with one person. But ultimately, what matters most to me is that she is happy. And I can be sad, happily, knowing that the person she is with now makes her happy, and that being seperated from me makes her happy.

Owl City - Vanilla Twilight: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-2i1ZGwUP4

I posted this link to this song because it is absolutely beautiful, and the lyrics represent how Adam Young (the musician) turns something heartbreaking and terrible into memories which make him feel less alone when he thinks about her...

On another note, this song was written about someone he loved that died... And it puts things again into perspective. Noone I know has died. It literally has just been a breakup. But I just can't help but feel like it's so much more than that.

I really miss her, and I find I spend a lot of my day thinking about her. But for now, even 6 months later, it still feels like it's healthy, and i'm not ready to "forget the world that I knew". But i'm starting to find repose, and tell myself that it's really not that bad... But it just hurts so much, you know? =x

Thanks very much again standready, deanhills, watersoul and LittleBlackKitten. It's really nice that some of you put your time into reading that massive story and giving me your opinions. I really appreciate it =x.

Thomas.

PS. I really hope that link doesn't breach forum rules or anything. I looked up the rules and I think it's allowed to post a link to a relevant related youtube video =x. If not though, please let me know and i'll remove the reference immediately =x
deanhills
Nintendo wrote:
Thanks very much again standready, deanhills, watersoul and LittleBlackKitten. It's really nice that some of you put your time into reading that massive story and giving me your opinions. I really appreciate it =x.
Thank you for posting this thread Nintendo. I learned a lot from it and it gave me plenty to think about too. All of us human beings share in the same kind of life experiences. It takes a lot of courage to face something like this and it looks as though you have already made a lot of progress in that direction.
CuddleBunny
Nintendo, thanks for sharing that story. It was really tear jerking and I could tell she meant a lot to you. It's good that you have been able to reflect on your mistakes and it really shows that you've matured from the complication. Perhaps in my old relationship... I've made the same exact mistakes as you did and it's true that you don't realize them until you reflect over it. I prioritized other people and activity over him and it only led to the relationship's demise.

Your post was in 2010, I hope that you've been able to recover to some extent. But, it's been a long time since this incident has happened to you and her, so I think it's time you start moving ahead and stop dwelling over it, although it's much easier said than done... sigh
Nintendo
Thank you CuddleBunny, it means a lot that you can say those things. The thoughts of everything during the day have decreased slightly. However, in my dreams she appears a lot more now... I wonder if there is some kind of connection between the 2? =x

I just recently wrote and recorded the draft of a song I've been trying to make for the past year. I'd really appreciate anyone to watch it and comment, as I really want to share this message to the world, and most importantly to the person for whom it was written.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZoIqtmDHvc

Thanks so much for your support everyone =x
watersoul
Nintendo wrote:
I just recently wrote and recorded the draft of a song I've been trying to make for the past year. I'd really appreciate anyone to watch it and comment, as I really want to share this message to the world, and most importantly to the person for whom it was written.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZoIqtmDHvc


Really like it fella, you've got a talent there and you're voice reminds me of Damien Rice Cool
deanhills
Nintendo wrote:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZoIqtmDHvc

Thanks so much for your support everyone =x
Wow! That is pretty awesome Nintendo. I really enjoyed the song. First time ever that we have lyrics put to a post (or was that the other way round). I really like the melody. Sounds almost like a question along "if only" lines. Well done!
Very Happy
alany
I am 21 now I had the same history to, i used to consider my self died all the time, but, believe me after a while, there, near you will appear something that will take to life you again, believe me that's what happened to me
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