My boyfriend wants to go to a strip club with his mates. Should I let him go? Or should I not let him? I'd like to know how others would act if they were in the same situation. I am a little uncomfortable with the idea of him going, however he seems very eager as he has never been and would like to experience what it's like.
Also, if going to the strip club becomes a habit in future reference, should I take it as a sign that I'm not interesting him enough?
From what I heard in the USA strip clubs are very common and used a lot for going out with friends and is in a lot of cases more about spending the evening with friends (social aspect, having fun) than with the stripping aspect. In Europe that's quite different and going to a strip club here is not very common (strip clubs aren't very common either or at least I don't notice them). Assuming you are from the USA, I wouldn't worry too much about him wanting to go with his friends.
On the other hand if you really feel uncomfortable about it, then maybe you should talk with him about it and mention that you have a big emotional problem with him going to a strip club.
The first thought which came to me is you should not allow him to go to strip club. But then I though .. if someone loves you it will come back, other wise he is not yours …
However I wonder what kind of activities are there in the strip club. If activities do lead to sleeping together etc. then it would probably be better off to be ignorant from it. But if is limited to just viewing then it could be accepted.
However as a human being, the more you stop, he will feel more urge to go over there.
Finally, if all the parameter are set s is and I am forced to say yes or no, I would say YES.
Thanks and Good Luck
If you wouldn't let it happen in your own home, it shouldn't happen outside of it. Of course, you can't MAKE him stop. You can express how much you dislike it.
In my opinion, it's disrespectful to any woman he might be seeing/dating/marrying/whatever to watch another woman strip. It speaks of ill-content of the current relationship and a lack of respect for women. They might THINK there's nothing wrong with it, but if it were all about social and having a drink and being out with the boys then ANY bar or club would be okay, not just one with a stripper or three.
I have told my husband that I have no tolerance for strip clubs or him being in them; it means his eyes are lusting after another woman and he might as well just go screw another woman as look at someone else besides me like that, because whether or not he remains trustworthy, he has still looked at someone else with bedroom eyes that should solely be MINE because we married, and that's part of the package deal. Some people call it over sensitive or jealous, but that has nothing to do with it. I have the respect to not look at other men or male strippers or anything like that, because I have that much respect for my husband and I will never look at another male with bedroom eyes, and if I do, I will admit it, and ask forgiveness as if I have cheated because to look at someone else lustfully you have committed adultery in your heart.
Bottom line is if you're uncomfortable with it, tell him. If you're not, then you aren't as in love as you think.
If he wants to go, he doesn't respect you as much as you think. If he doesn't want to go, then he truly cares.
I'm a guy, and I think if I wanted to check out the strippers at the local pole-dance bar (there's one down the hill about 200 or so yards from my house) then maybe the girl I'm with is probably not the one I really want to be with.
If I'm finding myself wanting to go somewhere to look at other naked/near naked girls (and spend money to be there) then I would start to question how much I'm really 'in love' with the girl I'm with.
Sometimes it is better to give some freedom on your boyfriend as long as he is just doing fine
and nothing... just give him your full trust...
I think watersoul is right. Going to strip club is a result of unsatisfaction from the girl in relation with.
Even if someone is married and have kids and go to that kind of club it will produce hate inside him for his wife assuming my wife is not for me anymore.
Simply results will be good at least in long run for wife/girl-friend and for him too.
By the way, reason of going is to get pleasure, isn't it?
Does not it mean pleasure is not available from girlfriend?
In our busy lives we have really lesser time and normally everyone wish to spend time with his/her spouse and it always comes out as short time. So still someone will argue that it is true for him to visit such a club and assuming his love for his girlfriend is doubtless.
Bondings is right in that they are common here in the U.S. (but I doubt you're from here because we don't use the term "mate"). Many women will even go with their boyfriends and husbands. In fact, the other day I was at work and my coworkers and I were making plans on going to a strip club. And one of my female coworkers said, "Can you guys take Robert [her husband]? He never gets out and he really needs a life." So here we have someone's wife encouraging him to go!
And you might want to be careful with the way you treat him. You said, "Should I let him go?" If you said that and I was dating you, I would have broken up with you right then no questions asked. Males that are worth being called real men don't take orders and ask for permission to do things from their girlfriends. I would not tolerate a girlfriend who orders me around and tells me I'm not allowed to do something. If something really matters to you, express your dislike to him and tell him why it bothers you and if he cares about you, he won't go. But don't make it an order and "not allow" him. By simply talking to him, you can actually figure out if you guys are compatible and if you share the same values. I cannot emphasize it enough. Any real man (and why date a dude who isn't a real man?) isn't going to take orders from his girlfriend and put up with it too long. I would have left you at that sentence...
No, I live in Belgium and here strip clubs are rare and rather shady - most people don't go there.
And about the "Should I let him go?", I think it is a valid question. Sure people don't like to take "orders" (male or female) but in a couple you do need to have permission from the other person. And it's not an order in the sense of "make me a sandwich" but a sort of relationship rule (e.g. no kissing/sleeping with other people).
Is the poll closed at 50/50? lol... two votes?
My vote is that he should get to go to strip clubs, and you should have to go with him!
I really do not think it's a valid question because no one person should "wear the pants" in the relationship and you shouldn't have to ask for permissions. It's one thing for one person to say, "You know, I am really uncomfortable with you doing this for reasons x, y, and z." Then if the other person really cares about his/her partner then he/she will not do that. But having to get permission really is just as bad as ordering your partner to make you a sandwhich. I would actually get mad at my girlfriend if she asked me for permission to do something like this. I would tell her to grow some backbone and do it if she wants (I really have very little respect for pushovers who have no backbone). Furthermore, if she required that I get permission to do something with my friends I would call her a control-freak and break up with her. Luckily, she wouldn't do that. At most she'd ask if she could come with me. Or maybe, if the night in choosing was a special occasion to her, she'd ask me to postpone the event but not cancel it.
Like I said, not doing something that your partner isn't comfortable with for the benefit of your partner shows that you are caring and that you probably deserve to be with them. But it shouldn't be an order and it shouldn't require permission. You should just tell your partner that you are uncomfortable with the situation and request that they not do it. And if they still do it, then maybe you should consider breaking up with them. Although I personally wouldn't ever date a woman who didn't trust me enough to let me go to a strip club... Usually you just go on a birthday or bachelor party or something... It's not something most people do regularly...
If she is not comfortable with him going, then she needs to figure out first why she is uncomfortable with the idea. A way to do it would be for her to sit down and write down her reasons for feeling uncomfortable. Exactly what is making her feel uncomfortable about him going to a strip club? Quite often when one questions "popular taboos" such as going to strip clubs for example (as a forbidden fruit), one may surprise oneself what the discomfort is really about. When I was in Canada, I knew of some girls who had periodic Ladies nights out where they get to go to strip shows for ladies (with guys stripping). It sounded like harmless fun. Ditto their guys going to strip shows (with girls stripping). I personally prefer people with clothes on and have different ideas for enjoying a night out, but in this case for me the most important part is if she is not comfortable with the idea, she has to work through her reasons for being uncomfortable first. What are the reasons and are they good reasons? And when she has the reasons sorted out, discuss those with her boyfriend.
Exactly... it's all her fault! Just kidding... "she" posted this topic.
As another guy I don't think it's so black and white.
While I've never been to a strip joint, and probably never will be, I don't think the desire to see another woman naked would undermine the love I have for my wife. Nor do I think it means that I don't love her as much as I thought. It can be as simple as appreciating beauty (though from what I hear and the pictures I've seen, beauty isn't normally in high supply at these sorts of joints ), a cheap thrill or what have you. I do recognize that it's not always (usually?) so... erm... noble (?)
For some, too, I think Bondings is right, it's just a social outing... for some, though, yeah, it's definitely a lecherous thing.
Simply, I don't think it's necessarily a question of love and it's presence or lack. It's more complicated, or perhaps more simplistic, than that.
Communication is key in the success of any relationship. If you can't be open and honest, I don't think there's any real hope for a relationship to really succeed on anything more than a superficial level.
This is, I think, somewhat loaded.
I mean, yeah, if I were the guy in this situation, I likely would opt to not go... I give in my desires for my wife's comfort a fair bit (but not always... and likewise, she does a lot for me). That said, the respect thing is a two way street, it's not simply one party being unhappy and the other respecting them by giving them their way. The other party also has to be in on the decision making process, and if it's something that's really important to him, be possibly willing to allow him to go (without reprimand).
It's not as simple as "if you go, she'll be upset... don't go"; there's also the factor of "preventing him from going will make him upset... let him go" that has to factor into the equation. There's not an universally applicable right resolution to the question, but there is a right one for each specific relationship and its particular circumstances.
It's very easy to let these sorts of situations or questions appear quite one sided, but they never actually are.
You may not feed him, or cook for him, but you care if he's hungry. You may not live with him or always be there for him, but you care if he's lonely. The strip clubs are not and never will sell what you got, and they are only interested in the amount of money he can bring to the table.
You shouldn't be upset if he tells you he may go with friends, or if he pops out with "Honey, guess where I was today!" but If he makes even the slightest habit of going to the strip club, then it's perfectly OK to tell him to show you the money because he's likely dropping a sizable amount that could be making your lives better if it were more closely managed. Just make sure they aren't running a really good two for one steaks deal that him and a buddy have scouted out!
If you're rich, and it's habitual, then you have more issues.
If you care about him, then you KNOW why he's going. I personally don't have a clue why I would go to a strip club if I had a girlfriend, but that's just me. I don't, however, have a girlfriend, so it's kinda open season!
Sounds like you've been to one, so I'll ask you a question
What can going to a strip club provide (aside from a social thing if you go with friends, or good pub food or the like) that can't be provided for free by the internet?
It sounds a little tongue-in-cheek (second time I've said that today), but, it is a genuine question. From how I see it, you just get to see what things look like... but is it really any better several feet away on a stage than it is in a video or pictures?
For one thing, the girls are usually very nice to the customers. So, if a guy gets bitched at a lot at home a strip club is one place that he can feel appreciated by the opposite sex.
If you say no don't go, he will resent it. He may not say it but he will. He will probably want to go even that much more.
Tell him he can go with his mates. But, some other night he has to take you there. He won't misbehave there especially if he thinks you might be going in there too.
Lap dance! But other than that, basically nothing. You hit the nail on the head (well Bondings did originally). It's a night out. Usually it's reserved for birthdays and bachelor parties. I personally think it's expensive (but fun thing to do occasionally). It's sort of like saying, "Why go to a bar and spend five bucks on some 'cheap' beer when I can buy a case of it for $12?" It's an event...
As per my opinion you should not allow him to go for that.
Afaceinthematrix said it partially right, as it is an event, and it's something different, but I go for a different reason, and I will be completely honest for the sake of the conversation.
Often times in real life women won't give a guy the time of day. Especially here in the US because women are hit on constantly, and it's hard to differentiate yourself to women who probably have a boy friend, or just simply want to be left alone. Sometimes women will react negatively even when they are giving off all the signs that they are fair game, so what do you do if you are tired of being constantly rejected? Go to the strip club where it's the women's job to interact with you.
But I add an angle to that because the strip clubs are usually at the extreme of the guys usually treating the women like objects, or generally treating them very poorly or like a commodity. Since the women the women are forced to interact with misbehaved men, then I come in a treat them like ladies, and they love it. I find strippers are really responsive to good old fashion treatment from a gentleman, so I use it as an angle to practice being the man I want to be with women who don't freak out on me when I say they are beautiful. Strippers go nuts when you bring them flowers. Try it... it's super fun. I get a lot of satisfaction from making people feel good, and I get extra interaction from the strippers that other guys have to pay for because they come and sit with me and talk, cause I'm "easy to talk to" as they say.
For me I use it as a chance to practice being a gentleman which most women's behavior these days ends up making me want to pull my hair out, so I don't get much practice. After all you can't get mad at a stripper for giving every guy in the place a lap dance because it's her job! I've always been a gentleman in my relationships, even still went to strip clubs occasionally with friends but only when it was unavoidable, but the girls were the ones who always cheated on me, and usually with total losers that didn't have jobs, and apparently had all the time in the world while I was at work.
In my opinion women are much more selfish about cheating, and guys know better when cheating is acceptable and when it's not. It's never really acceptable, but I've NEVER seen a guy throw away a good relationship because they couldn't keep it in their pants. I've known tons of girls who rip guys hearts out because they cheat, and what's worse is they don't even want to stay with the guy they cheated with. Girls often times are the ones that want to stay in the relationship they are in even though they cheated.
Guys usually cheat when they aren't being cared for by women. If a woman is in a relationship with a man, and she insists that his sex life be put on the shelf, and never used, then you can EXPECT him to cheat if the opportunity comes up. It's pretty simple math.
If he's going to the strip club because he can't get any play from you, then you should worry because he's going to the club to fulfill his desires. If he gets play at home, then the strip club will have nothing to offer him, especially if he's conscious about bringing something home that would require medical attention to get rid of quickly.
As a rule in strip clubs you cannot touch the girls, but they can touch you. The girls in the strip club are much more exciting as a result then the images you find on the web. Sure, it costs a lot more, as internet has tons of free porn, but few things compare to the weight, smell, and feel of a real woman's body against your own. (Sorry if that is too graphic, and I will edit if needed)
I think it all depends on how your relationship with your boyfriend is. For the most part, I don't think it should be a problem if you guys have a good trust relationship going. You shouldn't have to worry about anything coming out of it. The moment you start doubting this is the moment when you might have issues to work out.
Still together? Are you even still dating this guy? Just checking cause this topic is one of those that will continue forever "just because".
Oh... the original post was in December... and the original poster has only made 6 posts on the forum. I don't think we're going to get an update on their situation
Thanks for the insight, Afaceinthematrix and ICT.
You are welcome, Ankhanu! I keep seeing posts from new users that find this topic, and most are probably answering now just to fulfill their posting requirements. This issue is dead, I think.
I can't say why mshafiq dug it up on the 11th after it being dead since January... but, chances are the rest of the posters afterwards have posted without checking the dates of the posts before hand; I know I hadn't I assumed it was a current topic until just now when I looked back in response to your post. I don't think it was really about post count for most people, so much as an honest, careless mistake
I really did not see posting date.
So we are not going to waste our word where chances are almost NIL to get update from the initiator.
Thanks and Good Luck Everybody.