FRIHOSTFORUMSSEARCHFAQTOSBLOGSCOMPETITIONS
You are invited to Log in or Register a free Frihost Account!


How to accept her past?





macky
Hello there guys... I'm here again posting my problems...

Short and concise story:

I have a girlfriend right now. Were just almost 3 months. We had a lot of things we did... We explore a lot of things... feeling like were married... Despite of that happiness, there is something "catchy"..

Her past, one time she said that she had a 5 years relationship with an a drug addict guy.. Of course as expected that five years is bunch of plans and moments... She confess to me all of the things that they
did that i can't even take no longer to hear the story...

Most of the things she said about her past makes me cry...
I never expect that she had a dark past before...

Now even though i told to her that it's okay but deep inside it's very hard for me still to accept her past.
I'm the type of guy whom very conservative why she's kinda little liberated.
Bluedoll
I would not accept it. You could tell her just how you feel about the dark stuff and just ask her not to talk about the past anymore if it is brought up. If she has a need to talk about it maybe she needs some therapy or if she is ok with it and just wants to share things with you then you can do that but in another way. - - ->

What was she thinking about anyway telling you all that stuff. Maybe you better ask her. Try putting it in the present tense though. Does she want to repeat anything or is there something she would like to explore more? Maybe it is in a direction you are uncomfortable with, don’t want to go or not interested in? You can always discuss things but keep in mind that we all influence each other and you really want to be honest with her and yourself. Let her know what you like and don’t like but why not forget the past, it is yesterdays news anyway. Sound reasonable to you?
deanhills
I agree this is not right. I wonder why she feels that she has to burden you with all of this stuff? Is she trying to get emotional support the wrong way? Think it is always good to listen to your own instincts, and maybe it is your sixth sense telling you something is not quite right. Perhaps good to listen to it. Maybe it was too much too quickly. And too heavy. Maybe both of you need a little bit of a time out?
macky
Bluedoll wrote:
I would not accept it. You could tell her just how you feel about the dark stuff and just ask her not to talk about the past anymore if it is brought up. If she has a need to talk about it maybe she needs some therapy or if she is ok with it and just wants to share things with you then you can do that but in another way. - - ->

What was she thinking about anyway telling you all that stuff. Maybe you better ask her. Try putting it in the present tense though. Does she want to repeat anything or is there something she would like to explore more? Maybe it is in a direction you are uncomfortable with, don’t want to go or not interested in? You can always discuss things but keep in mind that we all influence each other and you really want to be honest with her and yourself. Let her know what you like and don’t like but why not forget the past, it is yesterdays news anyway. Sound reasonable to you?


I forgot something to include on the story, that guy (her ex bf) trying to court her again. This guy telling to her that she still loves her and etcetera. This one makes me sick also. I mean, how can i forgot her past
if this past brings some memories because of this guy. One time i ask her if she has still some especial feelings for this guy and she said she don't have anymore. That's makes me comfortable.
I'm asking sometimes my self if i'm just too jealous or what...

Well anyway i got your point. And yes it is reasonable. I'm very honest to her coz truly deeply i love this girl so much. She makes me happy each and every day. I believe she's also honest and that's what i'm looking for in a relationship.
macky
deanhills wrote:
I agree this is not right. I wonder why she feels that she has to burden you with all of this stuff? Is she trying to get emotional support the wrong way? Think it is always good to listen to your own instincts, and maybe it is your sixth sense telling you something is not quite right. Perhaps good to listen to it. Maybe it was too much too quickly. And too heavy. Maybe both of you need a little bit of a time out?


yeah your right. I guess i need to take it like a medicine with time suggestions when i need to take it. Maybe she's telling it coz sometimes i says i want to really know her better and i guess that's her way. Telling her past for me to understand why she reacts like this, like that every move i make. Experience i guess is the keyword for that.
coolclay
As disturbing as it is hearing about BF/GF's past can be, it is one of the best things you can do to prove that you are serious, and open about your relationship. Put everything on the table, we all have pasts, we have all made mistakes whether they are serious or not sometimes doesn't matter just realizing that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes will bring you closer to resolution.
rjraaz
if you really loves her. believe on her.
Bluedoll
The past is a tough call sometimes. We sure don’t want to become aggressive or even overly protective. She has every right to communicate with her past. Sometimes these things have a way of working themselves out. If her eyes get opened not to a memory but what this guy is really like and she has something so much better with you, it is good for her to know and good for you too.

Having said that, I think you can have a cold relationship with this person and if mr darkness is not warmly welcome around you in your special relationship with her now, it just might be ok. He might need to have some boundary’s set, like out of the family picture please! (agreement from her?) You and the most important person in the world communicating on every subject is the best thing that can ever happen. Smile
macky
coolclay wrote:
As disturbing as it is hearing about BF/GF's past can be, it is one of the best things you can do to prove that you are serious, and open about your relationship. Put everything on the table, we all have pasts, we have all made mistakes whether they are serious or not sometimes doesn't matter just realizing that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes will bring you closer to resolution.


hhhmmm nice one... i like what you said.. it helps a lot... thank you so much... any other suggestion?
LittleBlackKitten
It really depends on WHAT you're having a hard time hearing.

If they are stories where she was abused, hurt, injured, on her deathbed, either by force or self inflicted, then you need to face it WITH her and help her to work herself through it.

If on the other hand she has CAUSED abuse, hurt, injury, or made someone to be on their deathbed, then that's a totally different case. Some people are capable of real and true change, but on most cases, they're just living a lie. If this is the case, I would honestly bail yourself out. In the long run, you will experience either psychological, verbal, or physical abuse.

It's really based on motive. If she wasn't the cause of the suffering, then seeing a counsellor with her would be a good idea, if of course, SHE wants to change. If she is holding on to her grief, it's best to leave her alone.

If she IS the cause of the suffering, then you need to be a wise person for your own safety and preservation to RUN AWAY.

Common red flags to future abuse are:
-telling you what to do instead of asking or making a suggestion
-making assumptions that you will be somewhere or do something based on their assuptions and commands of you
-little insults when angry, frustrated, or confused
-how they take care of animals and house pets
-how they treat children
-their relationship with their father, and how their mother treats her (opposite genders for men)
-how money is spent (buys 'toys' or splurges instead of things like pay bills, buy food, ect.)
-how debt is taken care of (slowly, without care, or quickly, like a sore spot - slowly indicates laziness, quickly indicates a hatred of being controlled).
-how they talk about themselves will reflect how they talk about you (arrogance breeds insult and control, self-abuse breeds abuse towards you, anger breeds frustration, silence breeds hostility, ect.)
-implying you are stupid when you make a mistake, either calling you stupid directly, making you FEEL stupid, or talking down to you
-showing hate of your independance (doesn't want you to go out with friends, tells you what shifts to take at work, tells you what to eat, who to see, stops you from seeing family, taking shifts off, doesn't let you out past a certain time or gives a curfew
-constantly pointing out flaws that you have, ignoring their own


If she's been doing any of these, it can only get WORSE, especially if they're not willing to change or look at themselves and their own issues. It's in your best interest to leave if that's the case.

If she is abused, and is willing to go through it with you and challenge her issues/fears/past, then absolutely do it. Otherwise, keep safe, and leave...
pll
Find what you really love in her.
For sure you'll need to take care about the future.

Always remember why you love her before you knew about his past. I'm almost sure that you love her for what she is and not because she had a great car.

Her past is part of here, she wouldn't be the same girl as now if she didn't have this past... and that's the girl you love.

I mean, without her past she wouldn't be the girl who you love because she wouldn't be the same.


It wouldn't be the same life experience and the same way of thinking.

Wink
macky
thank you guys... it really helps me... i know now how to accept the things that she had from the past

ACCEPTANCE is the word that i always nourish and understand... i know that God will always be with us

and he will guide us through and through...
Related topics
[OFFICIAL] What are you currently reading?
Dating On The Net
Suggest me a very good RPG game.
Am i being too jealous ?
Noir
How do you know if its love?
Love at first sight?
what to do when she wants you back...
nice personality, bad taste
Do you think less of promiscuous women?
VIRGINITY does it matter?
Just a question, to ask everyone!
Is it right to override a government after disasters?
How to have my mother to accept my GF?
Reply to topic    Frihost Forum Index -> Lifestyle and News -> Relationships

FRIHOST HOME | FAQ | TOS | ABOUT US | CONTACT US | SITE MAP
© 2005-2011 Frihost, forums powered by phpBB.