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The Unofficial Jokes Thread





babumuchhala
I plan to post abt two jokes a day:

[center]-------------------------------------------------------------[/center]
The Speeding Ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding...

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.
Officer: Can I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: Oh, it's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Yeah. Oh, but come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: You have a gun in there?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the lady who owns the car. She's in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the trunk?!?

The officer tells the man to hold on, backs off carefully, and calls for backup. Quickly, the car is surrounded by police, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure, Officer.
Captain: Hmm, this license is just fine. Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open the glove compartment, please, so I can see if there's a gun in there?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
He opens it, and sure enough, there's no gun.
Captain: Would you mind if we opened the trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk is opened, nothing in there but a spare tire.
Captain: The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove compartment, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!

[center]-------------------------------------------------------------[/center]

In a New York park, a young boy was attacked by a savage dog. A passerby happened to see that and came to the rescue.

Having tackled the dog, he strangled it to death.
A reporter for the New York Times was watching all this and took snap shots for a front page corner picture in the next days paper.

Approaching our hero he says: "Your heroic feat shall be published with the headline - Brave New Yorker rescues boy".

"I'm not from New York" replied our brave hero.

'Oh in that case we'll change the headline - Brave American rescues
boy from savage dog."

"I'm not American either" replied our brave hero.

On being asked about who he really is our hero replied, "I'm a Pakistani."

Well the next day the headline on the front page of The New York Times said: "Muslim Fundamentalist strangles puppy dog to death in New York park. FBI investigating possible link to al-Qaeda."
Bondings
babumuchhala wrote:
I plan to post abt two jokes a day:


I'm looking forward to it! Very Happy
babumuchhala
SWEET REVENGE

This is an actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to his boss. His boss apparently resigned very soon afterwards!
"Dear Mr Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation; however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please. I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!
Sincerely
Darryl Brewer."
babumuchhala
Hijacking Solution
Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington DC. 20591
Dear Sirs,

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman. Hijackings would end and the airline industry would have record sales.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
babumuchhala
What women say and what they MEAN

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.

FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
babumuchhala
Point system in relationship

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
In the rain (+Cool
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college buddy
(-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of
it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no
matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)


Now what chance do you have???
babumuchhala
They're still laughing about this at IBM.

Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000.

When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter.

"We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you." .
babumuchhala
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling,
''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with,
''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid,
''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
babumuchhala
For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain. The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers accordingly.

Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.

MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES

Name ____________________________

Nickname__________________________

Gang Name________________________

1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each female dog perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?

MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS


Name______________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _________
(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)

School _______________________________________________

Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?

4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Charles is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?
babumuchhala
A boy went into a cafe and ordered a can of cola.

Once the beverage arrived, he pulled a can opener from his pocket, used it to open the can, and drank the cola.

Then he bought another can of cola and repeated the whole process.

The girl behind the counter asked why he did not use the ring pull to open the can and the boy replied,

"Oh, I thought that was only for people who did not have a can opener on them."
babumuchhala
Hypothetical situation where 20 executives board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature
pilotless technology: It is an un-crewed aircraft.

Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system.

Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm ndeed.

Asked why he is so confident in this first un crewed flight?

He replies: "If it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even TAKE OFF ."


Now that is Confidence!!!!
babumuchhala
New Age Words

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr*ps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO:
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What DINKS (Double Income No Kids) turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J . trials were a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls,
subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
babumuchhala
*** VIRUS ALERT ***

If you receive an email entitled "Fighting Canaries," delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change theinterpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection...
babumuchhala
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

Computer Capers
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
babumuchhala
Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

a.. Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn't he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster
babumuchhala
  • It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

  • A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

  • If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

  • Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

  • It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

  • When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

  • No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

  • Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

  • When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

  • You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

  • Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

  • An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

  • Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
babumuchhala
Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Ellen Degeneres virus:
Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.

Woody Allen virus:
Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's more than 75 miles away.

Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and forwards them to the authorities.

Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for information.

Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right.

Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file into a global interregation of every existing file. Creates links between unrelated data. Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results.

Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear to really do much of anything.

Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

George Michael virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.

Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it.

David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.

Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.

X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back
babumuchhala
ECONOMIC CONCEPTS

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the Income

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.

PAKISTANI ECONOMICS
You don’t have any cows.
You claim that Indian cows belong to you.
You ask US for financial aid,
China for military aid,
British for warplanes,
Italy for machines,
Germany for technology,
French for submarines,
Switzerland for loans,
Russia for drugs and
Japan for equipment.
You buy cows with all this and claim exploitation by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead. You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don’t know where they are.
You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk.
You then create cute cartoon Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn that you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn that you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESS ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.
babumuchhala
Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:
  1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.

  2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.

  3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.

  4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

  5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.


Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is not a virus
gzw1
Approaching our hero he says: "Your heroic feat shall be published with the headline - Brave New Yorker rescues boy".

"I'm not from New York" replied our brave hero.

'Oh in that case we'll change the headline - Brave American rescues
boy from savage dog."

"I'm not American either" replied our brave hero.

On being asked about who he really is our hero replied, "I'm a Pakistani."
babumuchhala
Floppy disk care

By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.

  1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

  2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

  3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.

  4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

  5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.

  6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.

  7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.

  8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

  9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)

  10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

  11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
babumuchhala
New York Crazy Law

  • The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

  • Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.

  • A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

  • A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.

  • While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.

  • A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.

  • It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

    Carmel
  • A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

    Greene
  • During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.

    New York
  • You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.

  • Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".

  • Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.

  • It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."

    Ocean City
  • It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.

  • It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle.

    Staten Island
  • It is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."

  • You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.
babumuchhala
California Crazy Law

  • Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

  • Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

  • Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

  • Bathhouses are against the law.

  • n an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

  • No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

  • Women may not drive in a house coat.

  • It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

    Arcadia
  • Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

    Alhamba
  • You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

    Baldwin Park
  • Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

    Belvedere
  • City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

    Blythe
  • You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

    Burlingame
  • It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

    Carmel
  • Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)

  • Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

    Chico
  • Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

    Downey
  • It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

    Hollywood
  • It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

    Lafayette
  • You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

    Lodi
  • It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

    Lompoc
  • It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

    Long Beach
  • It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

  • Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

    Los Angeles
  • Toads may not be licked.

  • You may not hunt moths under a street light.

  • It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.

  • You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

  • Zoot suits are prohibited.

  • It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

  • It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

    Ontario
  • Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

    Pacific Grove
  • Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

    Palm Springs
  • It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

    Pasadena
  • It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

    Prunedale
  • Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

    Redlands
  • Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

    Riverside
  • One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

    San Diego
  • The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

  • It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

    San Francisco
  • Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.

  • Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

  • It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

  • It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

    San Jose
  • It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

    Santa Monica
  • You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

    Temecula
  • Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
babumuchhala
New Mexico Crazy Law

  • State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.

    Carrizozo
  • It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.

    Las Cruces
  • You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street.
babumuchhala
The Future of English....

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European nation rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that Engklish spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in-plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klearup konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There wii be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" wii be replaced with the "f". This will make wordslife fotograph 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horilil mes of silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replacing "th" wit "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil ne no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Urop vil finali kum tru
babumuchhala
Marriage Quotes

  • Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

  • Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

  • Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

  • Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

  • Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

  • Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

  • Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

  • Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
    * In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
    * In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
    * In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

  • It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

  • Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

  • It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

  • There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

  • A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

  • Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
    Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

  • Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
    Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

  • There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

  • Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

  • They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

  • When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

  • There was this lover who said that he would go through niceplace for her. They got married, and now he is going through niceplace.

  • A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

  • A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

  • A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland

  • A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. -- Guitry

  • Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Borge

  • Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

  • An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie

  • And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.

  • Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

  • Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

  • By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
babumuchhala
Things Dogs Should Remember

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

Kitty box crunchies are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
babumuchhala
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
babumuchhala
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
babumuchhala
Error codes in Windows

  • WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger
  • WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
  • WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
  • WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
  • WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
  • WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
  • WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
  • WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
  • WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened
  • WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
  • WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
  • WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More!
  • WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
  • WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
  • WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
  • WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
  • WinErr 011:Window open - Do not look outside
  • WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
  • WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
  • WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
  • WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one.
  • WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
  • WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software.
  • WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that.
  • WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
  • WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
  • WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
  • WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
  • WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
  • WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
  • WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
  • WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
  • WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
  • WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
  • WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.
  • WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.
babumuchhala
Do you want hear a dirty joke: Bob fell in the mud.

Do you want hear a clean joke: Bob took a bath with bubbles.

Do you want hear a dirty joke: Bubbles is the girl next door.
babumuchhala
A duck comes into a bar and asks for a beer. the bartender asks how his day was ? the duck says " good , been in and out of puddles all day "

Another duck comes in and asks for a beer. the bartender asks how his day was ? the duck says " good , been in and out of puddles all day "

Another duck comes in and asks for a beer. the bartender asks how his day was ? the duck says " good , been in and out of puddles all day "

Then another duck comes in and asks for a beer. the ducks says " dont even ask , im exhausted and my name is puddles .
the_invader312
Lol, I love these jokes exspecialy the first one, that was hilarious. I hope you can continue to post these jokes for months to come!

I give it a 10/10
babumuchhala
the_invader312 wrote:
Lol, I love these jokes exspecialy the first one, that was hilarious. I hope you can continue to post these jokes for months to come!

I give it a 10/10
Its good to hear my efforts could spread a little laughter Smile
babumuchhala
The Saying Goes:

If you love someone,

Set her free...

If she comes back, she's yours,

If she doesn't, she never was....



___________________________________________



The New Versions...


Pessimist:

If you love someone,

Set her free ...

If she ever comes back, she's yours,

If she doesn't, as expected, she never was...
___________________________________________

Optimist:

If you love someone,

Set her free ...

Don't worry, she will come back.
___________________________________________

Suspicious:

If you love someone,

Set her free ...

If she ever comes back, ask her why.

___________________________________________


Impatient:

If you love someone,

Set her free ...

If she doesn't come back within some time

forget her.
___________________________________________

Patient:

If you love someone,

Set her free ...

If she doesn't come back, continue to wait

until she comes back ...
_________________________________________

Playful:

If you love someone,

Set her free ...

* If she comes back,

and if you love her still,

set her free again, repeat *
___________________________________________
C++ Programmer:

If(you-love(m_she))

m_she.free()

if(m_she == NULL)

m_she= new CShe;
___________________________________________

Animal-Rights Activist:

If you love someone,

Set her free,

In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
___________________________________________


Lawyers:

If you love someone,

Set her free,

Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second

Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedo m Act

clearly states that...
___________________________________________
Bill Gates :

If you love someone,

Set her free,

If she comes back,

I think we can charge her for re-installation fees

but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
___________________________________________

Biologist :

If you love someone,

Set her free,

She'll evolve.
___________________________________________

Statisticians :

If you love someone,

Set her free,

If she loves you,

the probability of her coming back is high

If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
___________________________________________

Schwarzenegger's fans:

If you love someone,

Set her free,

SHE'LL BE BACK!
___________________________________________

Over possessive person

If you love someone

don't set her free.
__________________________________________

HR specialist

If you love someone

set her free by

Offering her VRS and other benefits

Then outsource her.
__________________________________________

MBA

If you love someone

set her free instantaneously

and look for others simultaneously.
___________________________________________

Psychologist

If you love someone set her free

If she comes back her super ego is dominant

If she doesn't come back her id is supreme

If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
___________________________________________

Somnambulist

If you love someone set her free

If she co mes back it's a nightmare

If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.
___________________________________________

ERP functional expert

If you love someone set her free

If she comes back, map her into your system

If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis.
___________________________________________

Finance expert

If you love someone set her free

If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans

If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
__________________________________________

Marketing Specialist

If you love someone set her free

If she comes back she has brand loyalty

If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new market.
babumuchhala
"Driving Styles in several countries"

One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
- Sydney

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
- Japan

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...
- Boston

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
- New York

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
- Italy

One hand on horn,
one hand on hand- gear,
one ear listening to loud music,

one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,

one foot on clutch,
nothing on break,
eyes on females in next car,

INDIA
babumuchhala
DARK IN HERE

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says,
"Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your
glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says,
"Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that $%*& again".

babumuchhala
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so
I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for
dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had
consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than oked=20cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture
of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
babumuchhala
A man goes to a doctor for his annual check-up. After performing some tests, the doctor comes into the examining room with a serious look on his face. The man immediately senses something is wrong.
MAN: What the matter, Doc?
DOCTOR: Well... I'm afraid you don't have long to live.
MAN: I don't believe this. How long do I have?
DOCTOR: Uh... 10.
MAN: Ten what? Years? Months?
DOCTOR: 9...8...7....
babumuchhala
A man pulls up in front of Chase-Manhattan bank in New York City in a brand new Mercedes. He's in an Armani suit and wearing a Rolex Presidential on his wrist. He enters the bank and asks to see the head of the loan department. He's ushered into the VPs office and the VP greets him warmly. "What can we do for you today, sir?"

"I wish to borrow $5000," the man tells him.

"For what reason, if I may ask?"

"I'm taking a two week trip to Italy and I need some spending money."

The VP tells him, "We'll need some collateral."

The gentleman pulls out the keys and the title to his Mercedes, which he owns outright, and after going outside to check on the immaculate condition of the car and filling out some paperwork, the VP agrees to the loan.

Two weeks later, the gentleman is back in the VPs office, ready to pay off the loan. "With interest, you owe us $5015.37." The gentleman writes a check, collects his title and keys and starts to leave, but the VP can't help but ask, "Sir, I checked your financial status and it seems you are worth quite a lot of money. Why did you come to Chase Manhattan for such a small loan?"

The gentleman smiled and said, "Where else could I park my car in downtown New York for 2 weeks for $15.37?"
SpawnCP
Things Dogs Should Remember

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

Kitty box crunchies are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

Are a lot of jokes in tihs world , i don't have a favourite ..
ujjawall
babumuchhala wrote:
Error codes in Windows

  • WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger
  • WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
  • WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
  • WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
  • WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
  • WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
  • WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
  • WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
  • WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened
  • WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
  • WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
  • WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More!
  • WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
  • WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
  • WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
  • WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
  • WinErr 011:Window open - Do not look outside
  • WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
  • WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
  • WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
  • WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one.
  • WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
  • WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software.
  • WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that.
  • WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
  • WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
  • WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
  • WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
  • WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
  • WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
  • WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
  • WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
  • WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
  • WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
  • WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.
  • WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.



very funny......Sad
ujjawall
Very Funny These all are write by You?
Seams
Yo mama so fat, she leaves stretch marks in the tub.
How much do I owe Yo' Mama? My dog came home happy last night.

What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?
They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
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