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What will i do?





macky
Okay i have a friend right now whose really in love with me. She told me it once and i don't know what to do. Why?

coz i don't like her in terms of looks and appearance but she always makes me laugh. I know that it is more important that

we should not base on the physical appearance but rather on the inner beauty of the person. I admit that when it comes

to companionship, she's really okay. No times at all that were together that i'm not laughing or even smile. She's like a

vitamins that makes me happy and get rid all the stress in my life. But this is the hardest thing, i cannot promise to my self

that i will love her coz honestly she's not the type of girl that i want. I cannot promise to her that i will love her honestly, that

will do everything to make her happy too. I had this doubt that what if one day, i met a girl whose my ideal girl and also i'm

her ideal man. I don't wanna get hurt her feelings (my friend).. I don't know how will i tell her this thing... thanks!!!
jilbs
GOD is wise, He gives us what we need not what we want.

She can make you happy that's good enough to say you will be fine with her. But if you don't really like her to fall more for you, start minimizing your time together. At least it will limit your bonding until such time that her feelings will be gone and you wont miss her companionship that much.

I guess that's all I can say.
camperkid
Well if you really are her friend and you respect her, then she deserves to know the truth! Plain and simple. And btw, all that ideal man / ideal woman crap is simply childish. Get real! if you're not attracted to her, tell her "I'm not attracted to you" She may hate you for it, but she will respect you for being honest! And if your friendship really means something to her, she will not throw that away.
LittleBlackKitten
It seems to me that you're just very scared. Very very scared. Of losing her, of messing up, of saying the wrong thing, of doing the wrong thing, of everything that could possibly go wrong. Just stop for a moment, and shut off all the brain talking and the fear talking and let your heart try to speak. The heart speaks quieter than a whisper, so you have to listen very carefully.

In the beginning, I was never physically attracted to my husband in the sense I was attracted to my second boyfriend. But, my second boyfriend was not what you would call "relationship" material; he was hot, proud, self-absorbed. egotistical - don't get me wrong, he was a wonderful guy and is a good friend, but he just wasn't "marry me" material. My husband however, was everything (90%) of what I needed in a man, and now he has grown in to the most handsome man I could ever lay eyes on, and he hasn't really changed a whole lot physically. The longer I spent with him, the more I began to realize the little things about him that made him so wonderful.

See, it all depends on what you NEED. Forget about her looks; think about what you NEED in a girl. If she fulfills half to all of them, then give it a shot. In all honesty, if you don't trust your loyalty with her, you will not be loyal to anyone, no matter what you think or try. If it is in your heart to cheat or abandon, then you will ALWAYS do this to the ones you love, it's human nature. There will always be nicer, prettier women out there, many more well off or hotter. There are porn stars just waiting for a nice guy, or whathaveyou. If this tempts you, it ALWAYS WILL, and I would honestly tell you to speak to a councellor (and I don't mean that as an insult) about it.

If your heart is telling you that you love everything about her EXCEPT her looks, then get over the inhibition, because looks can change. Some women have a hard time "beautifying" themselves because they feel they will loose who they are. I myself struggle with that; I WANT to lose a little weight, but it will feel like I'm changing who I am and who I will be. Maybe she is just scared, or does not know HOW to change how she looks. If you can afford it, send her to a make over day. It can be as little as a couple hundred dollars for the right places, and she will feel not only loved, but like a million bucks (As long as you're not like "here, go get pretty", something more like "hey, go enjoy yourself".)

Some women just don't get how to dress for their frames, or can't even afford it. Some women can benefit from a personal shopper at the high-end stores, if she's the type to take advice from others.

Just think about all the good things about her, and you'll start to see your answer.
deanhills
macky wrote:
Okay i have a friend right now whose really in love with me. She told me it once and i don't know what to do. Why?

coz i don't like her in terms of looks and appearance but she always makes me laugh. I know that it is more important that

we should not base on the physical appearance but rather on the inner beauty of the person. I admit that when it comes

to companionship, she's really okay. No times at all that were together that i'm not laughing or even smile. She's like a

vitamins that makes me happy and get rid all the stress in my life. But this is the hardest thing, i cannot promise to my self

that i will love her coz honestly she's not the type of girl that i want. I cannot promise to her that i will love her honestly, that

will do everything to make her happy too. I had this doubt that what if one day, i met a girl whose my ideal girl and also i'm

her ideal man. I don't wanna get hurt her feelings (my friend).. I don't know how will i tell her this thing... thanks!!!
In my own experience there will always be an ideal girl on the horizon. And sometimes that "ideal girl" will keep you from enjoying the "real girl" in your life. So better to enjoy your present moment to the fullest. Enjoy the laughter and don't worry about "ideal" or not "ideal".
md7dani
Tell her what you feel, then you're honest. You can't do more than that.
Attraction is more than the inside of a person. For me it's like 70% personality, 30% looks.
dhani
I agree....either you could tell her how you feel, that you want to be friends
and nothing else cause you don't have those feelings. Love can appear after
some time. A certain person in my opinion can become beautiful...even if
you didn't think so at the beginning. For me it's like the inner beauty shines
through and makes the outer beauty more beautiful. So....you could also
say to her that...right now I just wanna be friends, maybe that will change
in the future, maybe not...
jilbs
deanhills wrote:
In my own experience there will always be an ideal girl on the horizon. And sometimes that "ideal girl" will keep you from enjoying the "real girl" in your life. So better to enjoy your present moment to the fullest. Enjoy the laughter and don't worry about "ideal" or not "ideal".


well said.. That's exactly what i was thinking too.
natilovesmike
Well, if you don't like her in a romantic way then its better if you keep it as friends only.
If you are friends maybe in the future you will feel differently...or not. But from what you say you are pretty sure that you don't like her in a romantic way and that you don't want to hurt her...so I would stay out of romance for now...
uzeed
my friend Harold wrote on facebook and he said.


When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!


With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.


When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!.

I wish it so for all of us here on frihost.
macky
thank you so much guys for that wonderful advices.. it really helps me... God bless you all Very Happy
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