I won't disclose which end of this i'm on but, do you think it's right for someone to hook up with a married man who is seperated and then when his wife tries to reconcile with him to stand in the way? The wife initiated the seperation and the husband still loves her. This married couple also has children together.
I think you should let them figure out what happens between them, and then see. If they decide to destroy what they've built together, it's their problem, but maybe you want to wait before you get involved.
Also, (and especially if he is still in love with her, or simply shaken by their separation), you want to make sure that he is not coming to you "on the rebound", simply because he feels the need to love someone and be loved in return.
I think that the question here is not so much a general question of what's right and wrong (I personally think it's wrong to be with somebody married, but that's just the way I see it, and that's actually not the reasons I am giving you to stay out of it for now). It's a matter of how complicated things are, what you are ready to risk in terms of breaking up this couple (they may be just going through a difficult phase, as couples tend to do every now and then) and in terms of falling in love with someone who cannot be fully with you.
My basic suggestion is not to do anything that you feel uncomfortable with.
In any case, good luck.
I tend to agree with most of what zbale suggested. Give them time to settle their differences first (or if you are one of the married couple, settle the differences without involving the third party yet). A relationship has to end cleanly before a new relationship can be truly happy. Because when a relationship is not ended properly, things get very complicated and there is a huge possibility that past feelings might retrigger anytime. When past feelings trigger, once again the people involve will be in a dillemma.
If they are to get back together without a divorce, the third party should simply step down. If things still don't work out and they ended in a full divorce (after the separation), it is all fair in the game of love. Give the marriage another chance before deciding. Many married couples merely went through a down period where they thought they no longer love each other. Then when separation sets in, they suddenly find the yearning for each other once again. This is the very reason why governments designed a period of separation before an actual divorce.
Sorry if i appear to be blunt on this topic.
zbale has said it well. In addition, it cannot be good for anyone to be involved with someone who is going through an uncertain separation. Once there are children in the picture it also makes it a number of times more complicated. There is usually a big trap here as well, as the person who gets involved with one of the couple, may feel they are helping this person in their hour of need. In the process the person who gets involved gets completely sucked into the chaos and tragedy of the separation. If the tragedy should eventually end in a divorce, the separated person may want to move completely away from the tragedy, and since the person who got involved with him/her was part of that tragedy, may wish to separate from that person as well. Would be quite human to do so. Would be much better to keep a distance from the situation and to continue with real life by going out with other people and focussing completely away. If there had been a spark of something and the situation does lead to a divorce, the two may be able to connect up one day. However, getting involved with a divorced person with children has to be one if the most stressful relationships in the world. Kids usually like their parents to stay together, it would be one tremendous challenge to deal with.
Of course it's not right. There's bigger issues to deal with than love. There's all those legal obligations, property agreements and settlements, decisions to be made about the children, etc. etc.
Who would want a married man, anyways. All that emotional and financial baggage. Ergh.
No, if they are trying to reconcile, then the other woman should not stand in the way. I wouldn't if I were the other woman. Mainly because if there is a reconciliation, it means that the husband and wife still love each other and want to try an keep things together....the other woman will only get a lot of pain out of it...
1- if the husband decides to stay with the wife, then the other woman will get hurt
2- If the husband decides not to stay with the wife, but they still love each other and have kids together, then the other woman will have to deal with the fact that husband and wife will have to spend time together, discuss parenthood issues...and I personally would get really jealous.
If on the other hand husband and wife have no love for each other and everything is over between them...then it would be OK.
it is not right to be with someone who is already married...
How have things been going on your end? I hope things are clearer and easier now.
Definitely not. Rationally, it's to break up a family which would be happy and in harmony. Perhaps it's strange but sometimes you may find it's no need to be with him though you love him. Just make him happy.
Seen this before, many times, guy is struggling with wife, has children with her, ends up seperated and jumps right into the arms of a waiting woman. New girl wants her relationship with her new lover, and stands in the way of her new boyfriends relationship with his wife. Now with the new girl in the way, the man gives in and finishes up with the divorce so he can be with his new girl. Man then starts to resent new girlfriend as she pushed him into making a decision he later regretted and the extra cost of child support, the difficulties of being divorced parents and sharing visitation sets in. Girl Friend now gets jealous of the child in the mix and wants the child out of the way too. Out of resentment and bitterness, the relationship ends. Man in debt with child support and extra expenses from the divorce, wife now a single mom, sharing custody, and girlfriend with a broken heart.
I've actually seen that scenario a few times. Happens the same every time.
Your best bet if you love him is to be a friend and only a friend, and to stop having sex with him, and just be a voice to talk to. By forcing him into a decision you want him to make you run the risk of him resenting you for that. If you let him work things out on his own, with no pressure. You may both end up being friends for life. Even if he returns to his wife! If in ending any sort of commited sexual interaction and you can keep it casual and keep your feelings out of it, and remain a neutral friend, he will be greatful for the freedom to you give him. I know that is a difficult path to take, but learning to accept someone without trying to control them is a great lesson to learn in life!!
I love that summary! (and the fact that you have good advice to offer as an alternative )