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Mother-in-law problems..





ponda
I know it sounds like typical daughter-in-law woes but my mother-in-law is driving me insane!! My husband, son and I live a plane ride away from his home town, but every time we come visit it's the same song and dance. My mother-in-law spoils my two year old son rotten! I know it's a grandma thing to spoil grandchildren but I cannot take this anymore. She gives him candy and junk food when I have clearly stated thousands of times that he's not allowed to eat stuff like that because then he doesn't eat dinner. She doesn't let me discipline him when he does something wrong, she gives him stuff for him to break, and then when he comes home, he brings all the bad behavior with him! I can't take it anymore...I'm too much of a coward to say anything because my husband absolutely adores his mother and I just know a huge argument would ensue...We were in Walmart and my son threw a fit over some candy he wanted. I told him he couldn't have it because it was dinner time soon. Just as he was going to stop crying she went a bought it for him! It's not like I couldn't buy it for him, I didin't because he isn't supposed to eat candy!!

Does anyone else have problems like this?
------------------------------------------


Even tho you stated that your husband adores his mother, you know him and you should know if you can talk to him about it. I think its best to talk to him and deal with it sooner than later. What about when the kid is 14 and wants to go to a party and you said no and she said yes and something happens? Nobody is gonna care that you did not give permission, they will say you're the mother and everything that concerns the child is your responsibility.

My son is almost 14 and sometimes i get soo mad when family members ignore my rules and stuff. I have had it out with my sister, mother, grand mom, uncle and just about everyone else (lol) but eventually they got the idea, BUTT OUT.

No matter what happens its your child and you have a responsibility to ensure that the right principles and values are instilled in him. He has to learn to follow the rules even if he does not agree. Trust me when I tell you NOT to wait until he is older to enforce this, its VERY hard to fix after they get old.
-------------------------------------------


These answers all were very good but the spoiling continues and I still do not know what to do...Someone please help.
mattyj
my MOTHER does the same thing with my kids...

They go for a holiday with her and they come back as spoilt little brats...No doubt my wife feels the same way you do, difference is i will say something to my mother Smile
apple
Even tho you stated that your husband adores his mother, you know him and you should know if you can talk to him about it. I think its best to talk to him and deal with it sooner than later. What about when the kid is 14 and wants to go to a party and you said no and she said yes and something happens? Nobody is gonna care that you did not give permission, they will say you're the mother and everything that concerns the child is your responsibility.

My son is almost 14 and sometimes i get soo mad when family members ignore my rules and stuff. I have had it out with my sister, mother, grand mom, uncle and just about everyone else (lol) but eventually they got the idea, BUTT OUT.

No matter what happens its your child and you have a responsibility to ensure that the right principles and values are instilled in him. He has to learn to follow the rules even if he does not agree. Trust me when I tell you NOT to wait until he is older to enforce this, its VERY hard to fix after they get old.
Bluedoll
Normally I don't write this way, I am more suggestive and not do this or do that. The tone of this reflects the message however ok. Best of luck.

I think you need to protect. You need to protect yourself from falling into the ugly daughter inlaw syndrome. Do not get upset but rather be always being 'polite' and cool with your mom - in - law. Never do or say anything that will make you look like the villian.

You need to protect your husband. They get wrapped up in the I am mommy's boy sydrome and can't make any decisions for themselves. So you have to.

You need to protect your child. This is not about you, your relationship with your newest mother, your husband or your good looks. This is about your child and how healthy you want your child to be. Focus on that alone.

So what if treatment is sweet and spoiling. Let that go! It is only for a while.

However, make it clear, no insist, no do something about the candy. Go get some fruity candy or some fruit or some very good healthy sweets that will be tasty and healthy and remove the junk food out of babies reach. Too much processed sug is not healthy for anyone.

Hope this helps.
deanhills
I'm out of my depth here and probably see it from a different point of view. Given that you do not want to pressure your husband, maybe you need to let go as the end product is inevitable. So possibly you can bargain with your little boy, if that is at all possible that when you are with his grandmom, he can follow her rules and enjoy treats as part of the holiday with her, but then in return he has to promise that he will be good when he gets home and resumes healthy eating again. If it really irritates you to see the spoiling going on, you can try and remove yourself by giving your mother in law complete responsibility and trust for the period you are there to look after your little boy, and go out and do fun things with your husband? Try and relax if that is possible. You say you are a plane flight away, so at least you are lucky in that way that this spoiling can only be for a short duration at a time. You may be surprised when you give in completely and show trust in your mother in law, what she does with the trust. She may act in a way that may be completely different to the way she is acting right now.
ponda
Normally I don't write this way, I am more suggestive and not do this or do that. The tone of this reflects the message however ok. Best of luck.

I think you need to protect. You need to protect yourself from falling into the ugly daughter inlaw syndrome. Do not get upset but rather be always being 'polite' and cool with your mom - in - law. Never do or say anything that will make you look like the villian.

You need to protect your husband. They get wrapped up in the I am mommy's boy sydrome and can't make any decisions for themselves. So you have to.

You need to protect your child. This is not about you, your relationship with your newest mother, your husband or your good looks. This is about your child and how healthy you want your child to be. Focus on that alone.

So what if treatment is sweet and spoiling. Let that go! It is only for a while.

However, make it clear, no insist, no do something about the candy. Go get some fruity candy or some fruit or some very good healthy sweets that will be tasty and healthy and remove the junk food out of babies reach. Too much processed sug is not healthy for anyone.

Hope this helps.
--------------------------------------

It may only be for a while, but it's disrespectful and it pisses me off. They are my kids, at the end of the day, I'm the one who feeds them, bathes them, does everything for them. I'm not falling into ugly daughter in law syndrome, really, who does my mother in law think she is? If someone else did it, it would be wrong but since she's the grandma..
todabeat
a funny thing my mom always used to say even when i was younger now im 23

anyways she used to say that she would NOT be like her mother in law, nagging or always with the \TIPS\ on baby issues or you know thing i like..
and the funny this is that she IS kind of that way, not to talk trash about my grandma but she is ALWAYS getting in between problems that aren't hers..

but now that im married and have a recent born baby, my wife and my mom do get along, and i know my wife does not like certain things my mom says but you know we try to keep everything at peace.

i guess that its like an automatic system when you become a mother in law haha. like my mother in law and i used to talk you know well. nothing bad we got along, and now that i took their BABY from home, we don't talk and just don't get along

like i said i guess that is kind of like an instinct
babarus
i don't have mother in low ... so i have no problems ... i am happy:D
Smile
todabeat
you dont have one, because you are not married or because you just DONT have one?
ponda
a funny thing my mom always used to say even when i was younger now im 23.

anyways she used to say that she would NOT be like her mother in law, nagging or always with the \TIPS\ on baby issues or you know thing i like..
and the funny this is that she IS kind of that way, not to talk trash about my grandma but she is ALWAYS getting in between problems that aren't hers..

but now that im married and have a recent born baby, my wife and my mom do get along, and i know my wife does not like certain things my mom says but you know we try to keep everything at peace.

i guess that its like an automatic system when you become a mother in law haha. like my mother in law and i used to talk you know well. nothing bad we got along, and now that i took their BABY from home, we don't talk and just don't get along.

like i said i guess that is kind of like an instinct.
------------------------------------------------------------
it is still messed up, i mean, who does this lady think she is?
ponda
i don't have mother in low ... so i have no problems ... i am happy:D
Smile

----------------

Lucky. I am going crazy here...
ponda
I'm out of my depth here and probably see it from a different point of view. Given that you do not want to pressure your husband, maybe you need to let go as the end product is inevitable. So possibly you can bargain with your little boy, if that is at all possible that when you are with his grandmom, he can follow her rules and enjoy treats as part of the holiday with her, but then in return he has to promise that he will be good when he gets home and resumes healthy eating again. If it really irritates you to see the spoiling going on, you can try and remove yourself by giving your mother in law complete responsibility and trust for the period you are there to look after your little boy, and go out and do fun things with your husband? Try and relax if that is possible. You say you are a plane flight away, so at least you are lucky in that way that this spoiling can only be for a short duration at a time. You may be surprised when you give in completely and show trust in your mother in law, what she does with the trust. She may act in a way that may be completely different to the way she is acting right now.

---------

No. She will be like this forever.
ponda
Normally I don't write this way, I am more suggestive and not do this or do that. The tone of this reflects the message however ok. Best of luck.

I think you need to protect. You need to protect yourself from falling into the ugly daughter inlaw syndrome. Do not get upset but rather be always being 'polite' and cool with your mom - in - law. Never do or say anything that will make you look like the villian.

You need to protect your husband. They get wrapped up in the I am mommy's boy sydrome and can't make any decisions for themselves. So you have to.

You need to protect your child. This is not about you, your relationship with your newest mother, your husband or your good looks. This is about your child and how healthy you want your child to be. Focus on that alone.

So what if treatment is sweet and spoiling. Let that go! It is only for a while.

However, make it clear, no insist, no do something about the candy. Go get some fruity candy or some fruit or some very good healthy sweets that will be tasty and healthy and remove the junk food out of babies reach. Too much processed sug is not healthy for anyone.

Hope this helps.
--------------------------------------

It may only be for a while, but it's disrespectful and it pisses me off. They are my kids, at the end of the day, I'm the one who feeds them, bathes them, does everything for them. I'm not falling into ugly daughter in law syndrome, really, who does my mother in law think she is? If someone else did it, it would be wrong but since she's the grandma.
----------------------------------------

IT's still disrespectful.
zacky
ponda wrote:
I know it sounds like typical daughter-in-law woes but my mother-in-law is driving me insane!! My husband, son and I live a plane ride away from his home town, but every time we come visit it's the same song and dance. My mother-in-law spoils my two year old son rotten! I know it's a grandma thing to spoil grandchildren but I cannot take this anymore. She gives him candy and junk food when I have clearly stated thousands of times that he's not allowed to eat stuff like that because then he doesn't eat dinner. She doesn't let me discipline him when he does something wrong, she gives him stuff for him to break, and then when he comes home, he brings all the bad behavior with him! I can't take it anymore...I'm too much of a coward to say anything because my husband absolutely adores his mother and I just know a huge argument would ensue...We were in Walmart and my son threw a fit over some candy he wanted. I told him he couldn't have it because it was dinner time soon. Just as he was going to stop crying she went a bought it for him! It's not like I couldn't buy it for him, I didin't because he isn't supposed to eat candy!!

Does anyone else have problems like this?


first i want to say relax and take it easy...

Now if your so sure that your relax and capable to think what's the best possible solution you can do to it, then let's begin..

I will enumerate everything that i know which possible solution to your problem and i hope it will help or at least it will guide you as mom, as a daughter, as a wife, as a friend...

1. Feel:

The first thing you need to do is try to feel at least to put your self into your mother - in - law in terms of her age, in terms of being grandma and being mother.

Coz i know after it, you will find at least a bit of an idea how to find a solution.

We all know that your mother - in - law became a mother before of your husband and i assume that she knows how to take care of young ages people.

2. Observation:

Now after doing it, observe what your son behavior every time he spoils by your grand mother, and also observe what the reaction of your husband and your grandmother.

3. Planning:

Now after doing the two steps, we can now dive into plans. You can now plan what you will do.

The Step by Step procedure, i said step by step coz do it as a surprise coz it may come up to the results the you didn't expect.

Just be sure that before implementing the plan, you know that no will hurt the feelings..

In short, balance...

4. Implementation:

Before implementing all of the things you planned, there's always a pre - trial that we call..

What i mean is at least just give a bit of glance to what plans you come up and if you think it succeed, then you can now implement the entire plans that you have.

but what if not, what if it didn't succeed and just came up to even worst result? (you ask) Well just simple solution, go back to step 1, 2, 3 and go back here.. just like that..

5. Conclusion:

FOR ME, i understand why your grand ma behaves like that, i mean treating your son like a spoiled kid. Coz i had a grand ma like that before, i guess it's only natural to them.

Knock on the wood, but anytime, as they grow old, they might pass away.

And For them, they treat young ages very good because they want to remember by the people they will left that they're good.. tender loving care..

named it..

I hope at least i help you or give you a bit of advice..

thank you so much.. Very Happy
ponda
I know it sounds like typical daughter-in-law woes but my mother-in-law is driving me insane!! My husband, son and I live a plane ride away from his home town, but every time we come visit it's the same song and dance. My mother-in-law spoils my two year old son rotten! I know it's a grandma thing to spoil grandchildren but I cannot take this anymore. She gives him candy and junk food when I have clearly stated thousands of times that he's not allowed to eat stuff like that because then he doesn't eat dinner. She doesn't let me discipline him when he does something wrong, she gives him stuff for him to break, and then when he comes home, he brings all the bad behavior with him! I can't take it anymore...I'm too much of a coward to say anything because my husband absolutely adores his mother and I just know a huge argument would ensue...We were in Walmart and my son threw a fit over some candy he wanted. I told him he couldn't have it because it was dinner time soon. Just as he was going to stop crying she went a bought it for him! It's not like I couldn't buy it for him, I didin't because he isn't supposed to eat candy!!

Does anyone else have problems like this?
------------------------------------------


Even tho you stated that your husband adores his mother, you know him and you should know if you can talk to him about it. I think its best to talk to him and deal with it sooner than later. What about when the kid is 14 and wants to go to a party and you said no and she said yes and something happens? Nobody is gonna care that you did not give permission, they will say you're the mother and everything that concerns the child is your responsibility.

My son is almost 14 and sometimes i get soo mad when family members ignore my rules and stuff. I have had it out with my sister, mother, grand mom, uncle and just about everyone else (lol) but eventually they got the idea, BUTT OUT.

No matter what happens its your child and you have a responsibility to ensure that the right principles and values are instilled in him. He has to learn to follow the rules even if he does not agree. Trust me when I tell you NOT to wait until he is older to enforce this, its VERY hard to fix after they get old.
-------------------------------------------


These answers all were very good but the spoiling continues and I still do not know what to do...Someone please help.
airh3ad
Once you talk to your mother in law i fell she wants to control our self! just incase being a mother in law doesn't come with an instruction manual. It can be something that creeps up on you -- not the title of course, but the meaning of the job definition of Mother in Law is likely to include bad jokes, including the words "bitchy", "manipulative" and "bossy". That can be a difficult thing to swallow for someone who has spent her life being a mom, and who may be looking forward to being a grandmother and hopes to be her child's spouse's friend at least.
What, exactly, is a Mother in Law supposed to do that's positive? She's supposed to relinquish the care of her son or daughter to someone else. She may for a few years host family holiday events. She might be called on for decorating advice, transportation, financial help, child care, cooking tips and recipes, a vacation retreat (if she has a nice home in an interesting location), and toys and gifts newlyweds and parents perhaps can't afford. She is not to visit without invitation, interfere with child rearing, offer unsolicited advice, criticize anything and if she sees trouble in paradise -- marital discord, verbal, physical, emotional, drug or alcohol abuse -- it is the brave MIL indeed who risks the future of her relationship with her child's family by bringing this to the light.

A MIL is just another person - with all of the short comings and personality quirks she had before she became a MIL and perhaps the brunt of a bad joke. Some days being a MIL really sucks and the only way to improve it may be to talk with other MIL's and share wisdoms.

(and yes, being a DIL isn't so easy either -- However, I found tons of support out there for those who have us "MIL's from hell", but precious little for those of us who are shocked to find out that's how we're perceived!) but i respect my mother in law what ever she is.
apple
crackhead101 wrote:
heres what you do .....................................STAB THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF HER AND BURRY HER BODY


and spend the rest of your life in prison and leave the child to suffer at the hands of other relatives or they system. Rolling Eyes
todabeat
apple wrote:
crackhead101 wrote:
heres what you do .....................................STAB THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF HER AND BURRY HER BODY


and spend the rest of your life in prison and leave the child to suffer at the hands of other relatives or they system. Rolling Eyes


if he does it right
no one has to find out, and just let the rest of the world think, that she was a slutty person, and ran off with an old boyfriend.... Twisted Evil
Greatking
you guys are right, its better to fix things now when the kids are young that to fix it when they grow old. it makes things easier. i don't think its disrespectful to tell your mother-in-law to but out of your life, lol. i mean its yours to make and live not hers, she has finished living her life its your turn now, yes she can suggest, advice but not impose that something mothers must learn.
apple
todabeat wrote:
apple wrote:
crackhead101 wrote:
heres what you do .....................................STAB THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF HER AND BURRY HER BODY


and spend the rest of your life in prison and leave the child to suffer at the hands of other relatives or they system. Rolling Eyes


if he does it right
no one has to find out
, and just let the rest of the world think, that she was a slutty person, and ran off with an old boyfriend.... Twisted Evil


Laughing Laughing Laughing

Greatking wrote:
you guys are right, its better to fix things now when the kids are young that to fix it when they grow old. it makes things easier. i don't think its disrespectful to tell your mother-in-law to but out of your life, lol. i mean its yours to make and live not hers, she has finished living her life its your turn now, yes she can suggest, advice but not impose that something mothers must learn.


you are quite right that its easier to deal with problems like this when kids are younger
zbale
Hey ponda, I can feel for you. I guess it can happen with anybody but parents and in-laws are usually the people it happens with.

I guess the best way, whatever you decide, is to try and make a decision with your Mother-in-law, so that whatever is decided, you have an informal contract. Talking things over with your kid is good in any case, and if you feel he is old enough maybe he can also join in the solution-finding and decision-making.

I hope this helps.

Keep the faith!
LittleBlackKitten
Realizing this is an old topic...

I can see that there's two obvious sides here:

1) No candy, no junk, no treats of any kind, because then the child misbehaves.
2) Treats treats treats, because kids are wonderful (and then they go home!)

In every situation, there's always a middle ground. Believe me when I say compromise solves EVERY issue. Having any situation go one way or the other will leave someone angry, hurt, and upset. If mommy gets her way, it leaves Grandma feeling hurt, snubbed, and like she can't treat her grandchildren. If Grandma gets her way, mommy gets a very unruly child.

Here's a checklist to go through:

-Is what Grandma wants to do dangerous for my child, or will they get hurt, injured, or sick?
-Will it be more than just an irritating hassle?
-Will it inspire poor behaviour, more than I can correct in a moment?

If any of these is a yes, then you reach a compromise. If it's all no, then honestly, woman up and deal with it. Children aren't a perfecting art, they're about pain and sacrifice as a parent; not about making mommy feel like she can control something, like she's in charge of something. It's a partnership, and letting the rules slide now and again isn't outside of the "good parent" boundary. If it's just a pain for you for a little while, deal with it.

On the other hand, if the kids have a pattern of being so poorly behaved that it takes WEEKS to fix, there's CLEARLY an issue here.

Here are a few options to meet Grandma in the middle:

"Mommy I want that candy NOW!"
"Find a different way of asking me."
"Please may I have candy?"
"Once you have finished your dinner, then you can have some candy."

Some kids end up staying up a little later due to candy after dinner, but it's HOLIDAY - it's about relaxing staying up a bit late and having fun.

Another option:

"Mommy I want that candy NOW!"
"Sure. But you can have some after breakfast tomorrow, because it's getting late. I will buy this now, and you can have it tomorrow."

Another option:

"Mommy, I want that candy NOW!"
"No. But tomorrow, we will do (some fun activity they love to bits) instead."

Or, make them EARN the treat. Get them to promise to put away toys, to clean up dishes (if they're old enough)m to help fold laundry, things like that. Then they aren't just "getting" treats, they're learning that treats take effort and they aren't given, they're earned.

Also, have a chat with Grandma without kids nearby. Tell her that you don't mind a treat now and again, but to not undermine your parenting. If she goes behind your back and buys treats after mommy said no, then she is undermining you. Unless the woman is selfish, she will understand. If not, then try to learn to loosen up.

Some brutally honest advice: No treats is NOT an option with parenting, in all honesty. Kids will know their parents as "treat nazis" and will grow to resent that. They WILL think, "My mom/dad never cared enough to let me have treats." I'm sorry, but it's true. There's always a chance to instill good habits, even with treats that aren't that good for you, like candy and junk food. All things in moderation, and all things to be earned.

If you need to, make holiday time a "total treat time", meaning there's little to no treats at home like you want, but on holiday, treats are fair game, as long as you get them to 'earn' the treats or work for them. Nothing too brutal of course, age appropriate. This way the kids will look forward to holidays and not bicker about the no treat thing, and you're also not creating friction with your mother in law, or your kids. Just saying "no" to every treat they want, like I said, will make them resent you. Find a trade-off; if you don't want them eating those non-kosher wine gums, then say "how about (treats you don't mind them having)?" and find a compromise you can live with.

If you don't say yes to some things, you're going to have a very angry child on your hands.
macky
as of now, as far as i can see with my future mother in law... i think i don't have any problem because

she is easy to go along with and fun to be with...
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