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Getting over someone you are in love with, while they...





bcd27
.... Are still in your life...

I am in love with my best friend. But we can never be. I've been trying to figure out how to get over this without losing them as a friend. They know the feelings I have for them and we've talked about this before. I dont want this to affect our friendship but I have a feeling that when I see them with someone else it would tear me up. One of the problems that I have is the mixed signals I get from them. I just dont know what to do.

I know there is no quick fix or magic pill to get over this... I'm just looking to get opinions from people...

It seems like the only way I know how to deal with it, is to remove them from my life so that way I dont have the "temptation" but they do not agree with that decision and wont let it happen.. As I do agree I do not want them out of my life.
mk12327
Because you are very reluctant to forget this best friend of yours, attempts to "remove" this person from your life will only backfire. This is due to the fact that when you tries too hard to "forget" someone, you tend to subconsciously think even more about him/her.

I would suggest that you open up your options, pay more attention to the things and people around you. Try to enjoy your life more. Focus on your hobbies, or even pick up a new hobby. Make your life exciting, with or without him/her. Soon, you'll start to enjoy this carefree and renewed life. It will aid in letting you think less of your best friend and enjoy your own life more. For all you know, when you least expect it, someone new would come into your life and grab your attention away from your best friend.
apple
I have walked in your shoes. For about 5 years I was totally smitten with my friend but we never had an 'official' relationship. While all our actions showed that we cared for each other nothing more happened. Seeing him with another girl tore me up a little bit and I took a long time to get over it.

I was happy tho that we did not try at a relationship cause it would not have worked and the friendship would have been lost. I was one of the few people invited to his wedding and years after we're still very close.

All you need to do is learn to manage your feelings. If you really care for this person you will want what is best for them and want what they want, even if its not you.
natilovesmike
Well, what always works is to find another guy!

Just go out there and find someone else...even if at first you don't like that person as much as you friend...you will see that when you start seeing other people and being more _friends_ with your friend you will start being able to retain the friendship you want.

I had a similar story when I was young...and that's what did it...after seeing one guy...I was over it. But you have to be _willing_.

good luck!
mk12327
natilovesmike wrote:
Well, what always works is to find another guy!

Just go out there and find someone else...even if at first you don't like that person as much as you friend...you will see that when you start seeing other people and being more _friends_ with your friend you will start being able to retain the friendship you want.

I had a similar story when I was young...and that's what did it...after seeing one guy...I was over it. But you have to be _willing_.

good luck!


Well, it might be a way out, but I do not think it is the best solution. It will seem to me that you are making use of the other person by seeing another person so that you can get over another your best friend. It is as though digging another hole and using the soil to cover the original hole.
ponda
.... Are still in your life...

I am in love with my best friend. But we can never be. I've been trying to figure out how to get over this without losing them as a friend. They know the feelings I have for them and we've talked about this before. I dont want this to affect our friendship but I have a feeling that when I see them with someone else it would tear me up. One of the problems that I have is the mixed signals I get from them. I just dont know what to do.

I know there is no quick fix or magic pill to get over this... I'm just looking to get opinions from people...

It seems like the only way I know how to deal with it, is to remove them from my life so that way I dont have the "temptation" but they do not agree with that decision and wont let it happen.. As I do agree I do not want them out of my life.
---------------------------------------------------------

You really just have to move on. It won't be easy, and it won't be fun, but you CAN get through this. Right now it probably just feels like a whole bunch of pain, but you will find someone for you. Don't worry. Take it one day at a time.
apple
ponda wrote:
.... Are still in your life...

I am in love with my best friend. But we can never be. I've been trying to figure out how to get over this without losing them as a friend. They know the feelings I have for them and we've talked about this before. I dont want this to affect our friendship but I have a feeling that when I see them with someone else it would tear me up. One of the problems that I have is the mixed signals I get from them. I just dont know what to do.

I know there is no quick fix or magic pill to get over this... I'm just looking to get opinions from people...

It seems like the only way I know how to deal with it, is to remove them from my life so that way I dont have the "temptation" but they do not agree with that decision and wont let it happen.. As I do agree I do not want them out of my life.
---------------------------------------------------------

You really just have to move on. It won't be easy, and it won't be fun, but you CAN get through this. Right now it probably just feels like a whole bunch of pain, but you will find someone for you. Don't worry. Take it one day at a time.


do what he said ^^^^

one day at a time Smile
mattyj
I was in love with my best friend from high school, but she was never interested in me that way, i told her how i felt but she told me she saw me as a friend and nothing more...i pined over her for years, always thinking there might be some chance (i did see other girls in the mean time, but never anything serious)...

The only thing i could do to get over her was cut her from my life completely which was a hard thing to do but completely neccesary in my case

Since then i have met my beautiful wife, we have 3 great kids together and she is also married and just had a baby (she found me on face book and sent a message after we hadnt spoken for nearly 10 years)

So , if you can cut this person from your life it might be the best for you
deanhills
mattyj wrote:
So , if you can cut this person from your life it might be the best for you
Agreed, from two points of view. If there would have been a chance that the "best friend" would have had a change of mind, it would have been easier for the "best friend" to come to that conclusion when you were no longer around, than when you were around. It is human nature to only really appreciate someone when they are "gone", rather than when they are around and you think they are "yours". When what they think is "theirs" is "taken away", that would have been the time they may have realized what they would have been missing.
Da Rossa
There is no magic, like you said! But I did something simple, when I were at you situation: I got strong. I let things flow until I finished, successfully, the 'detox'. To achieve it, I had to find other things in life to do. Things that filled my mind, could be even bad and tense things. When these got solved, the underlying problem seemed mitigated. To translate to image,



By the way: where is the topic opener?
mk12327
Nice image you have there. Did you actually designed the image just for him? If that's the case, it's really nice of you.
Da Rossa
Hehe, no, no... that image hasnt been made by me either! But it's very useful. The actual creator is illuminated. God bless him. All of us should use that message when we go sad.
mk12327
Haha... I see i see.
Parkour_Jarrod
I wish i had the answer to that dude, I'm still in love with my ex, who is also a friend, at my school, everytime i get on a bus, she is there, her scent wafts into my nostrals and i feel a burning agony of desire. Alas i can't get over her, so if you find an answer please, tell me my friend, please tell me
BigGeek
The Greeks have a number of definitions of love that seem to be very helpful, we all inwardly know these different types of love, but actually putting a definition to them helps.

Philos=brotherly, or friendship love
Eros=Romantic, sexual love
Agape=Unconditional, all-consuming love
sturge (storge sp?) = old friends connecting after a long time... where things appear to pick up exactly where they left off... even if many decades intervened...
epithemia - overwhelming desire to give all (not sexual) (eg. sometimes newly weds exhibit this in pure form)

Eros or sexual love is what attracts people to one another, and this is where the problem comes in, because this type of love requires posession and commitment, and people seem to feel an overwhelming need to have the person of their desires posses them in a commited way, problem is that it eventually leads to problems, because if the person gets their way, they usually become overwhelmed by feelings of distrust, jealousy, fear of loss, and all other sorts of negative emotions that begin to dominate and destroy the relationship.

There are many ideas as to what the meaining of life is. I've read before that the meainig of life is to gather experiences that are returned to God, or the Spirit or Force upon our deaths. Sounds OK, but again like most religious faith, it remains something that transpires after we leave this life. Contrast that idea to others like the reason for our existence is to learn, and learn about things like love, and it's different forms.

If one of the things we are living to do is to learn, and evolve then this could include everything, even love.

If you ask me, an unconditional love is a greater and more powerful form of love than a personal love ergo: agape love, is a form of love that can superseed other forms of love, such as eros or sexual and personal love. Problem is, as humans the idea of unconditional love goes against everything in our core belief system. We are taugh good and bad, right and wrong, black and white, divine and evil. so the idea of loving something with no conditions to that love goes agains the dual system. We learn to love the things that are good, right, divine, and hate the opposite.

It seems very natural from that system that we remove those in our lives that do not conform to our ideas of right and wrong, good or bad. It is good if someone that we love, loves us back and we "get together", it is bad if we love someone and they reject us, and do not love us back, so we usually want to run or get free from the pain of that rejection, because we think it is bad.

What if it had nothing to do with good or bad, or acceptance or rejection? What if it really is about learning to love, and learning to love someone unconditionally. Even if that means loving them and wanting the best for them even if that does not include you?

It's hard, and rejection is heart breaking, and a broken heart is the hardest thing in the world to deal with.

A broken heart can turn good people into angry broken people, bitter and hateful as the grow older.

The only way I have ever found to mend that broken heart, and free myself from the pain of rejection, is to evolve that love, and nurture it and evolve it to a higher form of love.

Is it difficult to do that?......hell yes, but the most rewarding things I've ever done in life have been the most difficult!

Keep them in your life, and let yourself grow and learn, you'll look back and be happy that you did!
deanhills
BigGeek wrote:
What if it had nothing to do with good or bad, or acceptance or rejection? What if it really is about learning to love, and learning to love someone unconditionally. Even if that means loving them and wanting the best for them even if that does not include you?
Nice words, however possibly only meaningful to you and not the other person. But if it would help you through a situation like this, provided that you do not try and convince the person who rejected you of how much you love that person and wish for their happiness, then that is great. Personally I just see it as a simple case of being rejected in favour of someone else, or just not being that much into the other person. The earlier we can let go and accept, the easier the cure, and perhaps that means complete distance and absence of presence.
Da Rossa
I like that idea: love unconditionally. Some will say this is suffering, since you'll never know when you get backstabbed. However, think of the good thing: this will do good for you during the relationship, even if she doesn't like you as much as you like her. And, if she cheats on you, you will have a tranquill mind and heart for you would have done always the best and the most correct thing: love unconditionally.

Then you'll find, eventually, the one that really deserves your unconditional love.
deanhills
Da Rossa wrote:
I like that idea: love unconditionally.
As long as it is mutual of course. There would have to be an abundance of trust in place before that can be possible, the kind that comes with getting to know a person very well and chewing some hard rocks together for a few times to the extent that you become an extension of one another.
apple
bcd27, how's it going?
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