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girlfriend and mother issues





jinger89
Put simply, my mother does not like my girlfriend and it's really getting my girlfriend upset. She's tried everything she can to make my mother like her, but my mom's too stubborn to see that my girlfriend is actually a really nice person. I've been doing all I can to talk to my girlfriend and keep giving her suggestions on what to do and trying to keep her mood up, but after a whole summer I just don't know what to do anymore.

My girlfriend is caucasian and my family is Chinese, as in they're from mainland China. I'm sure there's a whole amount of culture difference making this difficult, but also a lot of culture and racial bias from my mother's end.

What else can I do, and has anyone else experienced this?
JinTenshi
I guess there's nothing you can really do. Chinese tend to have this mindset that Chinese has to marry Chinese. And that any other race is just weird. The only thing I can suggest you doing is that leave everything as it is. If you love her and she loves you, only time will slowly set things into place. Get your girlfriend to perhaps help your mom out when she's doing dishes and stuff and let them have a good talk and stuff ya know. Bonding. And if you've tried your best but to no avail, then I guess you just have to let time do the work. Very Happy
PartyPros
I am in a similar situation right now. My mother doesn't like my girlfriend simply because she's the skinny, smart, pretty girl that my mother was always jealous of in her high school days.

You can't really change your mothers mind, nor can I. You'll both just have to deal with the fact, and hopefully it won't get any further than the occasional dirty looks they throw at each other.

Your mother, as well as my own, will hopefully realize that we are with who we choose to be with because we love the person that they are.

Best of luck!
deanhills
jinger89 wrote:
Put simply, my mother does not like my girlfriend and it's really getting my girlfriend upset. She's tried everything she can to make my mother like her,
Maybe she should stop trying to get your mother to like her and accept how your mother feels about her. Obviously she can't change how your mother feels about her and it will just upset her more if she kept on trying. Your mother has a right to believe the way she does, and it must be upsetting her too. The moment your girlfriend stops trying to make your mother like her, perhaps also, your mother may find it easier to deal with your girlfriend.
jinger89
Thanks for all your replies!

@ JinTenshi - Yeah, aren't Chinese mothers a blast? I love my mother dearly, but some times that mind set can really make things difficult. I remember when she first started harping about why Chinese girls are sooo much better.

@ deanhills - Thanks for your advice about stop trying to make my mother like my girlfriend, I definitely think that was stressing my girlfriend out and wasn't really letting her be herself.

@ PartyPros - Glad to hear I'm not alone Razz I hope things get better between your mom and your girlfriend!
ninjakannon
You said you have spoken to your girlfriend, but you didn't mention talking to your mum about this. Have you not had a chat with her about it?

If not, I think you should. Tell her that she is upsetting your girlfriend but that you can see and understand why she has this attitude. Then ask her to kindly keep her feelings to herself when your girlfriend is around. Also, let her know that this is frustrating and perhaps upsetting for you as well.

I don't know how strong your mothers attitudes / values / feelings are about this, so she might not change - but surely you can ask?
apple
ninjakannon wrote:
You said you have spoken to your girlfriend, but you didn't mention talking to your mum about this. Have you not had a chat with her about it?

If not, I think you should. Tell her that she is upsetting your girlfriend but that you can see and understand why she has this attitude. Then ask her to kindly keep her feelings to herself when your girlfriend is around. Also, let her know that this is frustrating and perhaps upsetting for you as well.

I don't know how strong your mothers attitudes / values / feelings are about this, so she might not change - but surely you can ask?
macky
jinger89 wrote:
Put simply, my mother does not like my girlfriend and it's really getting my girlfriend upset. She's tried everything she can to make my mother like her, but my mom's too stubborn to see that my girlfriend is actually a really nice person. I've been doing all I can to talk to my girlfriend and keep giving her suggestions on what to do and trying to keep her mood up, but after a whole summer I just don't know what to do anymore.

My girlfriend is caucasian and my family is Chinese, as in they're from mainland China. I'm sure there's a whole amount of culture difference making this difficult, but also a lot of culture and racial bias from my mother's end.

What else can I do, and has anyone else experienced this?


Go back to when i was first year college, i had the same problem like yours, not really into that kind of doing every thing but trying our best (my gf) to make my mom like her. Well in my case, it's just happen that after a few months, my mom got sick and she's helpless. Nobody could help her except me and my girlfriend that time coz my dad works in other country and my other brothers and sister went to province. So in day time, i go to school from morning till noon and it just happen that my gf schedule is only in the morning so she has the time to take care of my mom. Then as the days goes by, my mom realize how my gf kind and adorable.

Well im not saying here that you have to wait your mom to get sick but instead, if you really love each other, and your love is graceful, delightful and wonderful, i bet nobody can stop you. As the old folks say, love conquers all.. Dont be afraid if sometimes no matter what you do, it always turn bad coz if your serious and full of determination, i guess god will help you..
jinger89
I'm kinda puzzled at the sudden change in demeanor on my mother's part, but my gf and my mom are definitely getting along much better now :-S Not gonna question why or how, but I'm glad it's worked out. I don't think I give my mother enough credit for how hard she tries sometimes.
apple
glad its working out for you Smile
Chinmoy
those two are like oil and water, they never mix, and just in case you make them mix, the output is not too pleasant.
fantoos
Quote:
my mom's too stubborn to see that my girlfriend is actually a really nice person


I don't like the words you have written for your mom and this is just because you are in love with that girl and you become blind and filled with anger towards your mother which is not good. Take care of it because nobody in the world take position of mother.
ninjakannon
fantoos wrote:
Quote:
my mom's too stubborn to see that my girlfriend is actually a really nice person


I don't like the words you have written for your mom and this is just because you are in love with that girl and you become blind and filled with anger towards your mother which is not good. Take care of it because nobody in the world take position of mother.

Although, I think this thread should be locked as the situation is, thankfully, resolved, I will reply to this.

fantoos, it is actually possible that his mother is too stuborn to see that his girlfriend is a really nice person. Therefore, while you may not like what he says it could be absolutely true! Indeed, it sounds like it was, at least in part (obviously, I don't know the situation so I can't claim that it was or wasn't, but I can make judgement based on what I have read).

Also, your second sentence doesn't make any sense.
imera
I'm glad to read that your mother likes your gf more now, it's horrible when someone you care about doesn't get along.

Even if things are going great I'll tell you what I was thinking first, maybe you'll find it interesting

1. Take a look at yourself, what do you want in a girl
2. Is your gf someone you want to be with? If yes then you are lucky to have found someone
3. Don't try to change your gf so your mother will like her, tell your mother that you love her and even if she likes it or not you do want to stay with her.
4. Remember who you will spend your life with, your mother or your girlfriend, if you love how your girlfriend is then don't change her, stand up to your mother and tell her that even if she is really important she will have to stop complaining because love doesn't care about the ethnic group.

Don't think that this is something I just say, my mother doesn't like my bf, I have told her that even if he is the way he is I still love him, and that my life is my life and I should live it with someone I care deeply about, not someone my mother doesn't like.

Also, my mother married my biological father against my grandmothers will, so she shouldn't complain about me, at least I think a lot before deciding to do anything big.
rkp0211
So what happens when .....

I invited my son's girlfriend into my home to live. At the time she lived in her grandmother's sun room in N.J. during the winter. We were a close knit family. They stayed in the room other than to exit the house, that included her 5 year old child. They ate meals separetly. Usually after we were all in bed. My mother passed away during this time. She complains that my mother's house is full of mold and it is unhealthy for her and her child (but she's the only one with this issue). The day of the funeral, we are to arrive an hour early. She has to eat (even though breakfast had been provided). They were late! They were to pay the storage and electric bill while living with us ... they payed the storage one time. They argued they did not increase our bills during this time. I was asked to apologize to her, not knowing for what, I did to keep the peace but that still wasn't good enough and now my son has moved away without telling me until the day before. When I asked to go to dinner, he tells me he doesn't think it's a good idea ... They moved. He called me to discuss the "issues" and lo and behold she is on the 3 way, not that I minded but they acted like teenagers not bothering to tell me this. I recently emailed my son (as that's the only contact I have with him) to ask what he wanted for his birthday and I am told an apology. I miss my son and until all this I got along with his gf. I did like her. Mind you, they met because she was a friend of mine. But now I do resent her. He has nothing to do with any of us. He refused to come to his niece's memorial service, his sister's graduation and at one time, he was playing with her son and when my 6 year old son tried to play with them, he as told to go away. My older stated he needed to build a relationship with her son and my youngest was interfering. What do I do?
loveandormoney
jinger89 wrote:
Put simply, my mother does not like my girlfriend and it's really getting my girlfriend upset. She's tried everything she can to make my mother like her, but my mom's too stubborn to see that my girlfriend is actually a really nice person. I've been doing all I can to talk to my girlfriend and keep giving her suggestions on what to do and trying to keep her mood up, but after a whole summer I just don't know what to do anymore.

My girlfriend is caucasian and my family is Chinese, as in they're from mainland China. I'm sure there's a whole amount of culture difference making this difficult, but also a lot of culture and racial bias from my mother's end.

What else can I do, and has anyone else experienced this?


This problem has nothing to do with
Chinese
and
Caucasian.

It is about being jealous.

The 2 women are fighting, who is more important for You.
CHAOS-THEORY
its obviously jealousy, ur mother wants to keep u; u should just explain to her the fact that u n ur girl are meant to be together and she hv to deal with it lol
ninjakannon
This post ended a very long time ago and should probably be closed now that it's re-emerged!
loveandormoney
CHAOS-THEORY wrote:
its obviously jealousy, ur mother wants to keep u; u should just explain to her the fact that u n ur girl are meant to be together and she hv to deal with it lol


But You can read in this board very often
two women are a big problem for a man.
firmsactingunethically
This sort of interference can be very damaging.

First, explain to your mom that it is important that your girlfriend be suitable for you and make you happy. As long as your girlfriend does not disrespect your mom, your mom should accept your decisions as to whom you choose as your relationships. Since she is from China, she may expect that a Chinese woman will be more likely to include your mom in the household as she gets older. Unfortunately, this works in China, and even in China, as a part of agrarian society. This may be difficult to explain, but basically, the traditional form of that is something your mom left behind in China. That doesn't mean that a local woman, or for that matter a Chinese woman you meet locally, would oppose accommodating your mom, but it does mean that the arrangement would more closely follow local culture. This would apply to both Chinese women living locally and women not from China.

But back to your gf, you are the one who has the relationship, and that relationship must be suitable to you.
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