This may sound a little wierd, but have you ever felt like you are good friends with someone of the opposite sex to protect them? The situation I am faced with, is this friend of mine we're good friends nothing more. She is too young to be in a relationship with myself, and I am not even sure thats what I want. I am perfectly content with the friendship we have, the thing is I cant get her off my mind and its interferring with some projects that I was working on up until seeing her this summer. Basically the work on my projects has been non-existent since summer started.
The thing is she is really outgoing and seems to like the "bad guys" (as all girls do), but I meen there is this one guy that she talks to her and when she tells me about what he says to her... its completely indecent of any guy to speak to a girl that way... (I cant really quote anything it would be to explicit for these forums) but for some reason she loves being treated like shit (or ass) by him.
I personally feel like its my obligation somehow to keep her away from this guy, he treats her friends like trash... and from what I and her friends can gauge of him he is just a druggy that skips school, she can definitely do better. But for some reason she doesnt believe he is like that. Somehow he has her believing he is the nicest and decentest guy alive.
I dont understand what I am suppose to do I have this overwhelming urge to make sure she doesnt "go out" with this guy, because as a guy I can tell he is not interested in her as a person, he is only interested in one thing.
But I dont wanna be possesive, so I am really confused right now and not sure whether I should let her fall into trouble on her own. Or try to prevent her from getting into trouble, and if so I dont know how I am suppose to go about doing that... without making her hate me.
Sorry if this makes no sense LOL, its just driving me crazy.
More Info:
I met this girl last summer, and we didnt really become big friends or anything more of just aquitance. I thought about her off and on throughout the school year, we never saw or talked to each outher during the school year. However this summer I saw her again, and we have since exchanged MSN id's and have become really close friends (in under a month at that).
I just feel like I was meant to "protect" her, almost like I am being pushed to protect her from danger. Which is wierd because I dont have like a romantic or sexual interest in her... I may have at one time, but that has since passed we're just friends.
I feel like some divine force is keeping me close to her, its so hard to explain LOL.
Based on what I know about her, I have a feeling that she needs protection, I have a strong feeling that she is gonna make some stupid decissions (wrong guys, wrong groups to be hanging out with... Wrong parties)... Mainly from experience because I can see girls at my age that used to be like her, and the girls at my age who are like "examples" of the mistakes I can see her making. I dont want her to end up like them, but I cant exactly do much without seeming possessive. Because she thinks what she is doing and I believe she will believe what she will start to do is right thing to be doing, while at the same time I can see where her actions will make her end up.
And i'm not religious or spiritual so thats what surprises me.
It looks to me that you love this girl but your moral barrier (like she is too young for you) make that you claim it to be just friendship.
So if you stay in your scheme "just friendship" it is fine to give her your advice but anyway she will probably do what she wants. That means probably some stupid things (many people do some stupid things anyway) but you are not responsible of things that you cannot control. You are not her father and even if you would be you cannot fully control her. So give your best advice and that's all.
If you decide to go over the friendship and admit that you really love her, then tell her and act as such. If she is telling you the bad things that an other guy tell her then probably she expects some reaction from you. Otherwise why would she tell you that, it is very private isn't it.
these are one of the reasons why i think being plain and clear with anything i life makes life easier to live and enjoy. if she is your friend the speak to her. its fear of offending people or losing them that stops us from advicing them. if she is special to you then please speak to her about what she is getting herself into. this may upset her now, but later if anything should go wrong, she would remember that you tried to protect her. this i believe! you may look the bad guy now, but trust me when the time is right, and if she has got any sense at all she would realize you were trying to save her.
Ahh there has to be another way of preventing her from.. getting into trouble in the first place.
The only way I can think of is to ask her out, so that she is taken and that ass hole can get a life. However I dont wanna take that route, just to protect her.
I'm like addicted to this girl lol, like I honestly go on the computer just to see if she is on MSN. If she is I sit there and talk to her for the rest of the night lol. I have tried like blocking her/not talking to her for a day or two... and after about a day I die and have to. What can I do? To rid myself of this "addiction".
I doubt your feelings are unique. Most guys have this intrinsic need to protect the women in their lives. Some women however have greater developed abilities to make the men feel responsible for protecting them. This girl may be a good example and have it developed into a form of art. Have you thought about it that the men you want to protect her from, may feel exactly the same as you do. All of it being based on what she tells them, and what she tells you? She obviously likes to keep guys intrigued that way? Perhaps better not to take her at her word, this may be a trap that you do not want to fall into.
I know what you mean with addiction, and it is most important you get out of it. Best way is to ask other girls out, as that is real. Do more social and get to know other women. Does not have to be dates, just circulating and talking to other girls. Internet is not real and the MSNs are messing with your mind.
cr3ativ3 said:
| Quote: |
| The thing is she is really outgoing and seems to like the "bad guys" (as all girls do), but I meen there is this one guy that she talks to her and when she tells me about what he says to her... its completely indecent of any guy to speak to a girl that way... (I cant really quote anything it would be to explicit for these forums) but for some reason she loves being treated like shit (or ass) by him |
All girls do NOT like "bad guys", that is a common misconception. Of course there are "some" that do, but many dont. I am afraid this statment says alot. Perhaps instead of looking for ways to protect (control) your "friend" you should look for ways to empower her as a person. So that she is more competent in taking care of herself and making good choices. | BinahZ wrote: |
cr3ativ3 said:
| Quote: | | The thing is she is really outgoing and seems to like the "bad guys" (as all girls do), but I meen there is this one guy that she talks to her and when she tells me about what he says to her... its completely indecent of any guy to speak to a girl that way... (I cant really quote anything it would be to explicit for these forums) but for some reason she loves being treated like shit (or ass) by him |
All girls do NOT like "bad guys", that is a common misconception. Of course there are "some" that do, but many dont. I am afraid this statment says alot. Perhaps instead of looking for ways to protect (control) your "friend" you should look for ways to empower her as a person. So that she is more competent in taking care of herself and making good choices. |
"But he is funny" apparently thats all that matters to her... I was talking to one of her friends the other day, and we were talking about her flaws and stuff about her personality and how outgoing and non-serious she is and how that is gonna get her into trouble down the road. After that conversation everytime I see her or talk to her I notice how selfish/selfcentered she is, and it actually kinda surprises how much I "Dislike" her now.
I am currently trying to get away from her as much as possible because the longer I go without talking to her or seeing her facebook status and msn status msgs the better I am the more focused on other things I can be.
If I can compare her to something she is probably the most addictive drug out there, the longer I go without her the easier it is to live without her. I must say how amazing it is that some girls can cause guys to be addicted to them in such a way.cr3ativ3 said:
| Quote: |
| I must say how amazing it is that some girls can cause guys to be addicted to them in such a way. |
Spoken like a true addict . 
Why is she responsible for your addiciton? I happen to work in the field and that comment could have come from any one of the heroin or crack addicts I deal with. (I used because they ...fill in the blank)
Mirrors can be much more enlightening than binoculars. | BinahZ wrote: |
cr3ativ3 said:
| Quote: | | I must say how amazing it is that some girls can cause guys to be addicted to them in such a way. |
Spoken like a true addict .
Why is she responsible for your addiciton? I happen to work in the field and that comment could have come from any one of the heroin or crack addicts I deal with. (I used because they ...fill in the blank)
Mirrors can be much more enlightening than binoculars. |
Haha, I honestly have never done any illegal addictive drugs, I have never smoken, drinken, or did anything of that nature in my life lol.
But I have been addicted to caffeine and stuff like that so... I assume that how I feel/felt about her relates alot to how a drug addicted might feel.I guess protection and posessiveness is only separated by a thin line. Everything has to be maintained at a balance, same goes for protection and possesiveness. If you fail to protect someone enough, they think you do no care about them. Unfortunately, when you try to hard to care or portect them, it went beyond what they can comprehend and claims that you are trying to control them.
Back to your problem, seems like you had made a choice to have negative thoughts or opinions about her and avoid her in order to "solve" your problem. I personally think that it is an effective but unhealthy solution. Because essentially, you are trying to "get away" rather than tackling the roots of the problem. If you somehow met her on the streets or she tries to contact you, i think it would make matter worse. Since people usually had an even stronger urge when suddenly faced with something that they desperately tries to avoid.
| mk12327 wrote: |
I guess protection and posessiveness is only separated by a thin line. Everything has to be maintained at a balance, same goes for protection and possesiveness. If you fail to protect someone enough, they think you do no care about them. Unfortunately, when you try to hard to care or portect them, it went beyond what they can comprehend and claims that you are trying to control them.
Back to your problem, seems like you had made a choice to have negative thoughts or opinions about her and avoid her in order to "solve" your problem. I personally think that it is an effective but unhealthy solution. Because essentially, you are trying to "get away" rather than tackling the roots of the problem. If you somehow met her on the streets or she tries to contact you, i think it would make matter worse. Since people usually had an even stronger urge when suddenly faced with something that they desperately tries to avoid. |
How would you suggest I solve the problem?Have a good talk with her. (Face to face if possible) I might sound like the bad guy, but since you had already committed yourself to avoiding her, it wouldn't hurt too much if after the talk the friendship collapses right?
Ask her all that you wishes to find out from her that you think is appropriate to ask. Tell her what you think of the situation and what are her opinions on them.
I might not be a professional who can suggest the best solution for you, but at least this is what I would do if it was me.
| mk12327 wrote: |
Have a good talk with her. (Face to face if possible) I might sound like the bad guy, but since you had already committed yourself to avoiding her, it wouldn't hurt too much if after the talk the friendship collapses right?
Ask her all that you wishes to find out from her that you think is appropriate to ask. Tell her what you think of the situation and what are her opinions on them.
I might not be a professional who can suggest the best solution for you, but at least this is what I would do if it was me. |
I have thought of doing this for the past week... but everytime I do see her it just doesnt feel right to talk about.. if you know what I meen. There hasnt really been a point in time where it feels right, to talk about how I feel.Actually i do face this kind of situation every now and then. Having to talk to or discuss with someone but simply can't find the "right" time or place to talk about it. The fear of doing it at the wrong time and making things worse. I do understand how you feel. What I usually do to overcome this is to talk to her about regular or casual topics to see if is in the mood to talk about things.
For example, if you notice her answers to your questions are short or that you sense that she is irritable, then do not go into the "main" topic. However, if you sense that she is willing to talk things with you, then you can slowly transit to discussing about the "main" topic. The key here is to talk to her casually and test the waters first before you jump into it. But sometimes you just have to take a risk if you can't decide if she is in the mood.
| mk12327 wrote: |
Actually i do face this kind of situation every now and then. Having to talk to or discuss with someone but simply can't find the "right" time or place to talk about it. The fear of doing it at the wrong time and making things worse. I do understand how you feel. What I usually do to overcome this is to talk to her about regular or casual topics to see if is in the mood to talk about things.
For example, if you notice her answers to your questions are short or that you sense that she is irritable, then do not go into the "main" topic. However, if you sense that she is willing to talk things with you, then you can slowly transit to discussing about the "main" topic. The key here is to talk to her casually and test the waters first before you jump into it. But sometimes you just have to take a risk if you can't decide if she is in the mood. |
Ya see the problem is she is never serious in real conversation face to face she is constantly joking around its almost like she fears being serious... Which is another thing I have noticed lately which is bugging me about her.May I know who old is she? Maybe she has not seen enough of the world to know the cruel realities of life or that she is still immature?
| mk12327 wrote: |
| May I know who old is she? Maybe she has not seen enough of the world to know the cruel realities of life or that she is still immature? |
That is exactly my worry... I myself am 16 she looks and somewhat acts like she could be 15 or 16, all my friends have said that. But in reality she is a 13 and before you guys start screaming at me about that... honestly until I really got to know her I thought she was 15 lol.
I personally my whole life have been restricted from doing things because I was too young, so dont give me any lectures about age... that totally pisses me off.
So she is going into grade 8 but she hangs out with people in high school (including myself), and she has more guy friends then girl friends, and thats what concerns me.
I remember when I was in elementary school, alot of the stuff that does happen in high school back then I thought only rarely happened (like drinking, sex, drugs). But now that I am actually in highschool (Grade 11) I know for a fact what goes on, and thats why I feel so strongly that I was/am meant to protect her. Atleast I think thats the reason, seeing as her family (her mom), her father is divorced, her mom doesnt seem to care about who she hangs out with... So I feel like I am the only one really, that is very much concerned about her.Does she has any siblings? I'm assuming she is living with her mom. Being lack of fatherly love, it is natural for her to have the tendency to have more male friends then female friends.
Probably because of her single parent background that she finds friends and peers for support and social acceptance. This also possibly led to her appearance of being outgoing and hanging around with people who are "popular". She might be hoping to seek support and attention by appearing outgoing or associating with popular people.
However, most people like this usually keep alot of emotions and thoughts to themselves and act as though they are happy when internally, they are not. If that is the case, then it explains why she avoids serious conversations. She could be afraid that people might "dig" deep enough into her thoughts and trigger her internal emotions.
Age is not a good measurement for maturity. I know alot of people who could be in their twenties yet still have childish mentality. On the other hand, there are also many people who can think logically and maturely even though they are very young. So not to worry so much about your own age but rather, try to draw lessons from experiences you go through in your life. =)
| mk12327 wrote: |
Does she has any siblings? I'm assuming she is living with her mom. Being lack of fatherly love, it is natural for her to have the tendency to have more male friends then female friends.
Probably because of her single parent background that she finds friends and peers for support and social acceptance. This also possibly led to her appearance of being outgoing and hanging around with people who are "popular". She might be hoping to seek support and attention by appearing outgoing or associating with popular people.
However, most people like this usually keep alot of emotions and thoughts to themselves and act as though they are happy when internally, they are not. If that is the case, then it explains why she avoids serious conversations. She could be afraid that people might "dig" deep enough into her thoughts and trigger her internal emotions.
Age is not a good measurement for maturity. I know alot of people who could be in their twenties yet still have childish mentality. On the other hand, there are also many people who can think logically and maturely even though they are very young. So not to worry so much about your own age but rather, try to draw lessons from experiences you go through in your life. =) |
I met some of her friends (girls) from school the other day at her birthday party, and they came off to me to be the popular type based on there appearance, however what concerns me is they didnt even converse with her during the party... They didnt seem to be there for her... even though it was her birthday party.
Which enforces some of what you said. Now that I know this how do you think I could approach her, I dont believe she is as stuck up as she may seem to me at this time, I believe it is mainly her trying to fit in with these other girls. How do you think I could get into a position where she is more serious... and not joking around. I think at one time I was in a position like that, but that only lasted for a week or so, and she seems to be blocking me out of alot of what she thinks and does. I think she is doing this because she suspects I like her, and she doesnt want me to get any closer to her.
Perhaps I should tell her straight up the truth that I dont like her that way... Perhaps that would make her open up a bit.Different people require different approaches to make them open up their inner self. I guess on this aspect I wouldn't be able to give you advice since you are the one that knows her better than I do.
Basically you need to make her trust you enough before she is willing to let you into her inner feelings.
If you're not in love with her, then back off. She doesn't want another dad.
Go get addicted to some video game or mmorpg. (Sports are probably healthier, though.)
