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bring out yer dead... my job





Solon_Poledourus
*I STRONGLY URGE THE UNDERAGE GROUP NOT TO READ THIS*

Forgive any typos. I can barely see through my tears right now.

For those of you who don't know, I am a paramedic. Been doing it for quite some time now.
Every once in a great while, there comes a case which completely ****** me up.
The other night, I had one of those. Maybe my third in my whole career. We have a saying amongst the other EMT's/paramedics that I know. 'The average career span of an EMT/paramedic is about 6 years'. Well, I'm sure my bullshit statistic will be called out by someone. Anyway, the reason people burn out so fast, is because of things like the other night. I, for legal reasons, cannot give names or details. Suffice it to say that a kid who should be alive right now, is in fact dead. He died clutching my uniform and begging me for... I don't know what. Looking me right in the eyes and saying 'please' the whole time.

Now, I have a pretty strong stomach for this type of thing. I've seen alot of people die. Been to a war zone and everything. Maybe I'm just getting older and my armor is wearing out. Maybe my view of the world is changing. I can't say because I don't know anymore. All I know is that I can't get a few faces out of my mind right now, and I have nobody else to talk to. So here I rant...

Keeping people alive is all I have ever really been good at, or even wanted to do. I had just gotten a raise when that tsunami hit Bande Ace and other places. I wanted to go so bad... I just couldn't. I sometimes feel like Schindler; "If I could just save one more". But I can't. Looking at the tears hitting my shirt, I am reminded that I am all too human, and cannot save everyone. Sometimes not even myself. So now I am drinking myself into numbness. I don't even know why I posted this. Maybe I just need to say it, or need to know that my efforts, however fruitless they may be sometimes, are appreciated.

This is my job. And I will stop when my heart stops pumping blood and my lungs stop pulling air. My heart may break, and my lungs may burn, but I don't know anything else.
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