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why people are so aggressive





annapurnatraders
why people get so aggressive sometimes without any reason. No matter how hard you try to please them it turns out to be wrong way for certain type of people.
Does anyone know how to handle those kinda people? does anyone have a clue why its so hard to speak to them or how to convince them.
I have tried many ways. They still seek for negative side, instead of positive side.
I feel really bad. Why i am being treated badly even though i have not thought any bad things about people or done. Why am i being responded in a negative manner even though i have respect other people?
Do i need to change myself or do i need to stop worrying about those kinda people. what if they are your really close mates, in close relationship? what do i do?
desperately seeking for smart answers please.

XXX
taytay
My ex is just like that. it was practically like uber-major mood swings. She'd be happy one moment, then I would do ONE little insignificant thing wrong and it's like I just cursed her family out loud or something. Like everything that happened between us is ALL my fault. And as if she were the perfect little angel her momma would be proud of. It didn't (still doesn't actually) matter how much I talked to her, or told her the truth to things, she had her side of the story as she saw it, and that is EXACTLY what really happened. For instance, I might say hello to a girl in the hall who I sit next to in one of my classes, and she see's, and just KNOWs that what was really going on was I was flirting with the girl. Same thing at church. Any girl I talked to, even if she were 12, what was REALLY going on was flirting on my side.

It's just insanity. No matter what is said, I can't change her. And no matter how nice I am or what a suck up I am JUST to be her FRIEND, she takes the negative side of everything. This past weekend she blew a tire (she's an insane driver. She plowed over a median, even though no cars were coming). I was following her since we were goin somewhere(she refused to ride with me of course), so I pulled over to help out. The Entire time I was workin on her tire all she did was bicker and complain about what I was doing and how I should really be doing it. All coming from the girl that first jacked her car up under the door frame folding it upward before surrendering the duty over to me.

It's simply ridiculous. Some people for what ever reason choose to live their life as a 12 year old. She's a smart girl. Wickedly smart. She's studying to be an EMT. She just somehow lacks the maturity or capacity to act her age.


You situation may be different from mine. Each one is. The way I deal with it? I do my best to spend time with friends I know I can count on, and to be around girls that I know are mature enough not to lash out at me for tying my shoes wrong. I ignore her at school, yet say Hi to her if she walks by. I'm simply fed up with her crap. While I'm too nice of a person to fight back too much, her biggest pet peeve happens to be "being ignored." So in a way I'm doing the worst to her (in her eyes), by not really doing anything at all. It's useless to hold on and pray she'll change, it's not worth the time. There are many more girls out there, and while they all may not be for me, there will come a time when I'll find the one that fits me perfectly, and I her.


This help at all? sorry if I got carried away Wink
deanhills
annapurnatraders wrote:
why people get so aggressive sometimes without any reason. No matter how hard you try to please them it turns out to be wrong way for certain type of people.
Does anyone know how to handle those kinda people? does anyone have a clue why its so hard to speak to them or how to convince them.
I have tried many ways. They still seek for negative side, instead of positive side.
I feel really bad. Why i am being treated badly even though i have not thought any bad things about people or done. Why am i being responded in a negative manner even though i have respect other people?
Do i need to change myself or do i need to stop worrying about those kinda people. what if they are your really close mates, in close relationship? what do i do?
desperately seeking for smart answers please.

XXX

Well a good starting point would be that it is not your fault. It is their problem. This is of course difficult to do, but it is very important not to take it personally. Let it wash right over you. Act and be innocent without judging them as a person while they are being aggressive. Don't act injured, or a victim. The moment you act injured, and a victim, you will find it will get worse, as they have found an outlet for their aggression. If you can act as though what is coming you is washing over you, especially with body language, i.e. not aggressively, but sincerely and innocently listen to the ranting but do not buy into it, I think that should work. The biggest challenge will of course be if you have been "the victim" before, you may have a lot of hard work to do to progress from victim to a calm and disassociated non-victim.

It this aggressive person should start with insulting and abusive behaviour, then it will probably be time to put up a boundary with something very firm along the lines of: "Please do not talk to me like this, if you continue, I will have to remove myself from this discussion".

If this should still not help, maybe you need to see a pschycological counsellor who can coach you in how to deal with aggressive people. It may be a very good investment for life Smile
TrueFact
A little digging and analysis first.
Quote:
why people get so aggressive sometimes without any reason.

Well, it is not that way actually. When someone get mad, they don't do that. They do it for unapparent reason. Sometimes you don't see the big picture they see, or just you don't see it the way they do.

Quote:
No matter how hard you try to please them it turns out to be wrong way for certain type of people.

You have to figure out what upset them or why they are upset in the first place. Knowing 'why' is half the solution. Knowing 'why' they are mad will, for sure, help you direct your efforts into the right way. This case can mean literally "they are out of their minds" and not everyone is prepared to deal with such cases. They will say things they don't mean, or do things they can never intend to do. So, please, watch out.

The apparent question is "Should I leave them they way they are? Or should I try to help any way I can?"
There's no simple answer to this question. If I were in your shoes, I'll give it a try to cool them down and please them. If I couldn't, then the best thing I would do, is to leave them alone for a while before I try again. The first step as I mentioned before is to know why they are upset or mad. If you don't know why and they don't give you clues, back off. You may rage the fire even more this way.
Again, it is what I will do. You and other people may have different views towards it.

Quote:
They still seek for negative side, instead of positive side.

Some people consider 'blaming' as a part of human nature. Blaming others usually come up when people go into this state. And once more, people may say or do things they never mean when they are mad. A true friend or a close mate should understand such a thing, and be able to forgive it.

Quote:
Do i need to change myself or do i need to stop worrying about those kinda people. what if they are your really close mates, in close relationship?

No, I don't think that you need to change yourself. Many people, and I'm one of them, will find you a great person that you care and refuse to abandon a friend when they are mad. You answered the other question yourself! You can't stop worrying about such people because some of them can be a family member, a friend, room mate, etc. We can neglect that and pretend as we don't care or it is not our business to worry about them.

Finally, there's no smart answer that can apply to every person and every situation.
Bluedoll
What is aggression and what to do about it! . . . by Bluedoll


If we consider what aggression is I think it would be reasonably correct to say it is in the family of assertiveness. Although being assertive is very much more on the side of postive where the owner has confidence in his or her convictions, aggressive behaviour is more hostile in nature and usually ends up being offensive.

I would think loss of control or feeling that one has lost control of their situation is the prime reason for aggressive behaviour.

How do we deal with that?

Sometimes allowing the person to vent is a good idea and not look at the aggression part but the reason behind the aggression and after the aggressive behaviour subsides talk it out to find a solution. If the form of aggression being applied is not acceptable or you simply can not deal with the behaviour because of your current circumstances choose a defensive stance.

Walk away, inform the person that their behaviour will not be accepted or in some extreme cases seek a third party to intervene.

Can not say this is a smart answer but I have done my best.
Hope it has helped.
iyepes
Having been one of those aggressive people I have to tell you something. Stop worrying about them, their rage has nothing to do with you, and if you can, stay away from them, you have the right to protect yourself from aggressive people.

If the aggressive is someone you love, keep the love, but never let he/she hurts you. Walk away if you think it's necessary for you own benefit. If you can, suggest them therapy, just suggest, don't make apointments with doctors, that's a decission that the other person has to take.

My loved ones had too much patience with me waiting until I finally took therapy, I appreciate that, but they could have protected themselves in the meantime. I hurt them too much and I really regret that.
airh3ad
Maybe this time people are very agitated right now especially since the economy is in a crisis state. Alot of lay offs are going on right now and more are projected to happen later this year. So just ignore it (one scripture that comes to mind is "an answer when mild turns away rage'). In other words do something positive for every negative thing that happens. i suggest to maintain a mild spirit even when forced.
deanhills
iyepes wrote:
My loved ones had too much patience with me waiting until I finally took therapy, I appreciate that, but they could have protected themselves in the meantime. I hurt them too much and I really regret that.
This sounds like a wonderful success story. Is it possible to share with us what the therapy consisted off? What were the results? Smile
iyepes
My therapist uses a combination of Neuro-linguistic programming and Mental Script Theory. They work in groups (like courses you attend) but every person is developing his/her own process. Each "course" ends with a whole weekend session in a country side place, where people complete the main objective of the therapy (In my case reduction of aggressivity). Some hipnotic process could be used during the therapy, specially to help people to fixate important points of achievement of new ways of reaction to some things.

Results have been really good to me, I can react in a more proportioned way to interactions, I mean, I can get upset if it is necessary, but I learned I can keep calm and it's a natural reaction on me (what didn't used to be). What I really want about this is the long term results. You don't feel you are going to the therapist for the same issues once and over again.
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