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Forgiveness





iyepes
Last year I had a really bad experience with a man, whom I trusted and cared too quickly, and who ended up finding a new girlfriend and not telling me about it. I had to find out by myself.

I spent really bad time thinking about him and the careless way he dealed me. Asking me questions like, Why did not he tell me? Why he just refused contact me when I found out? What did I do wrong?

Finally, last February, tired of everything I took advantage of a work travel to another city, I needed to unplug myself from everything I desperately need to forget him and everything happened.

And the second day, like an epiphany, I found out that the only way to move on from all that pain was forgiving him. That was a complete surprise, forgiving him released me from all the pain. I didn't need anymore to blame him, the pain ceased and I was able to continue my life not thinking on him, not worrying about why did he do anything, just going ahead.

We don't talk to each other anymore, I wrote him a goodbye e-mail (the last one) also saying, you hurt me, but I forgive you, so the pain in me stopped, good bye. Obviously he didn't answer back, but I didn't need his answer anymore.

Have you ever experienced something like that, that forgiving someone releases you from the pain that the offense caused?
seannie
I have experience the same thing as you do, not knowing that she found someone until I found out myself. But the only difference is we've been together for 2 and a half years and we still love each other, and I don't know why she's still with that guy.
It hurts so much to think about it everyday. Waiting for the day we would be together again is just painful, and I constantly ask myself why am I doing this. Why am I still waiting.
My friends tell me that she's not worth it, but I would always tell them that it's because I love her too much to let her go.
Insanity
Sometimes it's just not that easy for you to forgive someone. It depends on the persons involved, but if they do something really hurtful, simply forgiving them might not work, or it might be much harder than it was for you.
00hamster
Just forget about him, your better off without him :S
deanhills
iyepes wrote:
I wrote him a goodbye e-mail (the last one) also saying, you hurt me, but I forgive you, so the pain in me stopped, good bye. Obviously he didn't answer back, but I didn'd need his answer anymore.

Hopefully this was the last e-mail you sent to him, as these "last" e-mails are never a good idea. I find that the relief is temporary, and what actually happens is that all of the "good parts" of the relationship is resuscitated. You remember your "togetherness", the e-mail is about the two of you. The fact that he has not replied to the e-mail is probably confirmation that it may have been better not to send it at all. His non-reply may make you feel needy all over again. There is still no closure for you as there is no period after a sentence. Better to forget about this guy and let go completely by filling up your thinking energy with new experiences and new people. Join a new club or start a new exciting hobby where you can meet more people.

This guy did harm you, but more than anything else you harmed yourself, by allowing him to harm you. If that can make any sense to you. An important recovery would be when you can direct the energy you have been extending to his direction, to yourself, to love you as you need to be loved by yourself. What is that saying about to thine own self be true. This guy obviously has different standards and come from a different platform, he is not of your flock. If you love and honour yourself as you deserve to be loved and honoured, and you go out and find enjoyment in your own things, you will find that you will be attracting people to you like you have never done before. Guys are attracted to women who have a strong sense of self, and who enjoy themselves, in other words have a life of their own.
TrueFact
Well, in your case iyepes:
Quote:
Last year I had a really bad experience with a man, whom I trusted and cared too quickly

I can say that you didn't love him truly in the first place! I don't want to go deeper into this, so I don't dig old wounds. But your experience was much easier than seannie's experience.

About my experience. It was much more like iyepes's in fact. Loving some one quickly and really don't know If I forgot quickly as well, or I forgave her. May be I just pretend to myself that I did forgive her. But I remember one thing in the last day. I said to myself: "Well, she's done nothing wrong. I rushed it all up!" At that moment, I let it all go easily. Forgiving her made me feel better and remembering those days now just make me smile at myself Smile
deanhills
TrueFact wrote:
About my experience. It was much more like iyepes's in fact. Loving some one quickly and really don't know If I forgot quickly as well, or I forgave her. May be I just pretend to myself that I did forgive her. But I remember one thing in the last day. I said to myself: "Well, she's done nothing wrong. I rushed it all up!" At that moment, I let it all go easily. Forgiving her made me feel better and remembering those days now just make me smile at myself Smile
Well put. I personally find that time is the only thing that works for me. Time and other experiences in life seem to make it recede into the background. One never really forgets, but the experience eventually moves away from being center stage.
iyepes
This story is to me just that, a story, I haven't had any contact with that man since that last e-mail, and I have no need it at all. He is in my past. Should I have sent that good-bye e-mail? Definitely yes, because it was me who needed to say good-bye, I didn't care about his reaction, that act was for me, and to fulfill my needs.

Actually I'm reading a book about forgiveness, and it's not about simple things like a short relationship, it includes strong experiences about people who lost relatives in Ireland, and the way forgiving let them go on with their lives.

That book says something very interesting, forgiving is not accepting that what the other person did was right, it's stopping giving the power to the other person to make you feel bad.

Thanks for the counseling I don't need it, this is an ancient thing. What I want to know is whom between you have experienced that forgiving someone relief yourselves from the pain the offense caused.
Bluedoll
I totally agree. Forgiveness does work. I’ve been hurt by people. Sometimes in little ways, once in a larger ways. Yes, we can move on with a clear conscience. We are often hurt by the actions of others and can not be held responsible for what others do, so why punish ourselves and at the same time we can take responsibility for our decisions. If we choose to have something to do with someone then we take the risk of being hurt. We do not have to take that risk so we are responsible too in that way for what happens but we can also forgive ourselves. We are after all human beings that mess up from time to time.

It is really great that we can move on, start over and not worry about the past. We can grow and learn from it.

I like the fact that you took the initiative to send an email to someone that sounds like he was not altogether honest with you. Our forgiveness and honesty will take you to better places.

Sometimes, people do cross paths again and I have experienced someone saying and acting with me like nothing had happened after a prolonged absence. To some people forgiveness means they can start over where they left off simply by talking about all the good ole times. Forgiveness, yes, not learning, no. We can start afresh but the new decision we make can be based on what we have learned. Making decisions on what we have learned is not the same as forgive and forget?
airh3ad
The pain never release once you been fell it ,but forgiveness is something I believe in with all my your heart. I forgive others and have been forgiven many times. God wants us all to be forgiving just as he has forgiven us. And, as you have noticed, when you don't forgive someone, it can "eat you up." It's not healthy to keep resentment bottled up inside of you. The vast majority of couples I counsel who have been through the horror of an affair, have better marriages after the affair than before. It's because the affair jolts them into recognizing the need for building an affair-proof marriage, and the safety precautions they use help them create compatibility and love.
tingkagol
Quote:
Guys are attracted to women who have a strong sense of self, and who enjoy themselves, in other words have a life of their own.

Hear ye, hear ye girls. Independent women are IN. Smile

I've met women who are too needy to have guys in their lives, it's pathetic. A definite turn-off.
supjapscrapper
what he did is something that happened to me before both romantically speking and non-romantrically... But I just can't forgive, at best, with time I succeed in forgetting about things ... butit still hurts deep down in an undescriptible way, I notive this when I ometimes see or experience things that make me feel very very bad again...

People (from my perspective gorls but I think it is generalyl so), just do not respect yoiu if you give them too easily...I learned to be extremely cautious, which made me miss nice opportunities to experience beautiful things with women...but I prefer it this way...
iyepes
supjapscrapper, I really sorry that bad experiences in your past have made you somehow distrust. I think everybody has felt deceptions, but I always tend to think "not all people is the same". Is good to be cautious, but is dangerous to judge new people based on behavior of old people.

Say in some words, let every person commit their own mistakes and make their own good things too.
Greatking
Being hurt by someone you care about is very devastating. Many at times forgiveness is the last thing that you think of. You distance yourself but you still feel the hurt when something happens that reminds you of the person or someone around you reminds you of the person.

You begin to hate the person if you keep that hurt in you. Forgiveness is the best thing that can start the healing process of your heart, emotions and feelings. When you always throw love at hate you begin to feel some peace and joy in you. It might not make you feel better in the begining but with time you become that lovely and lively wonderful person again.
Ashtray
I know exactly what you mean. With a friend, though, not with a boyfriend. Anyway, she and I had been having problems for a while now and I ended up finding that I was the only one trying to make our relationship the way it was before and improve everything for everyone around us. So, I got really angry. There was a point when I was completely furious, filled with hate and anger. And just couldn't get better. I ignored her for a month, didn't talk to her at all- didn't even look at her! Because I was so pissed. On Friday we had a bit of an argument which ended up with her crying and me feeling terribly depressed. Then we talked for an hour or two, said all the things we needed to say and forgave each-other.


And guess what? All that anger I had inside, burning my throat- was gone!
angfrayle
Thank you for sharing your experience. To forgive someone who has hurt you a lot is most difficult yet it is liberating to just forgive. It's been a long time since I forgave anyone. Thank you for reminding me. Smile
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