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Can someone tell me how Am I ruining up my relationships?





iyepes
Part I (I also need points)

Ok, this time I want an external perspective, due recent facts, I've got the conclusion I'm the one who ruins up my relationships, but I have no idea how.

I met a good guy through facebook, he was already friend of someone I know, so I accepted him.

We started chatting for hours through msn in a daily basis, sharing very personal situations. He had a girl friend, whom he had a difficult relationship, by that time they usually fight everytime they saw each other, and the girl had very bad problems with her family. She had indeed an episode of mutual physical agression with her father.

I helped him, I said he could help her suggesting therapy, but nothing more, that he can't save her. That he should remember the good reasons to love her to stay or running away from all that mess.

I found out myself near to fall in love of him, so I quit contact of him for a while, then I came back when I had clear I wanted nothing but a friendship.

Some days later, I went to a therapy weekend, one of my goals for that weekend was gaining strenght to remain on my own (my relationship life has been certainly wrong).

The final day of the weekend, he surprised me with a "I ended with my girlfriend", his therapist helped him with that.
iyepes
Part II

Then, we started seing each other more often. I had a bad time at work, with lots of them for a defined date, he went to my home to code side by side with me, just because he wanted to helped me.

The lots of work weeks go ahead, we still much in contact, in fact we ended kissing each other at my home one time, there was no sex, but something near, he spend overnight at my home.

For me was clear I didn't want a relationship with him, because his age (8 years younger) and my mid term goals including marriage, which is not in his future plans by now. I'm almost 34.

For him it was clear he didn't want a relationship with me, as he said, because his broke up was so recent, so he did not wanted a new relationship so soon.

That was ok, after a couple more of intimate encounters, (near but not total sex in them), we decided to remain it just to normal friendship expressions, to avoid misunderstandings.
iyepes
Part III

Then, he also reached a bad working week, with lots of troubles, he almost dissapeared from the map, I usually called and he didn't answer, I was also in the middle of lots of work. Then I claimed, ok, you are bad, but you can just call once a day or answer the phone, he agreed.

Since that, things have gone from bad to worse, he is more reluctant to see me, he says he has no time, he is so busy at work, or he is with his family, more not answering the phone or refusing the call when it was ringing. I complaint, I said I want to know what is happening, he said nothing is happening, you are making up things. I said, If I become intense, please tell me so, he said, OK, I told you so if that happens.

I bought him a present for Christmas, he delayed pickup it up after new year, January 5th to be more specific, he cancelled some visits, some of them the same day or doesn't show up with not calling at all.

This Wednesday I called him, when he call back we talked normally, I hear him asking a taxi driver bringing him to a near city. Later in the conversation, I asked him, where are you going? he said, I'm going home (not the city he mentioned before), then I said, OK, why don't you walk through my home (He lives 10 minutes from my place), He said, I had some pending things from work.

At this point, I can conclude all is ruined up. I don't think there's a way to fix it, simply because he doesn't want to. It hurts too much, but I find no solution.

My big question is, ¿How did I ruin up this relationship? ¿where was my mistake?

Opinions welcomed.
Xrave
If it was clear that you didn't want an relationship, then its not a failure, right?

it must be tough, but I don't think its your fault at all. My guess is that he's using you as a rebound or something. You didn't do anything wrong, except from the start you were confused with your intentions and feelings, but that had no direct link with the failure of it.
But I could be wrong. I hope I am.
truespeed
You say you didn't want a relationship with him,you say you didn't have sex with him, so it wasn't a relationship and it wasn't sex,so what was it exactly you wanted from him?
deanhills
Perhaps there was too much wishing for something that perhaps the guy cannot give you. And perhaps wanting him to be someone he is not? He has just been through one messy relationship, and perhaps needs a break from relationships, so needs space more than another relationship and demands being made that he is unable to fulfill?

Perhaps you should take time out from relationships? Try and fill your life with different things, perhaps new hobbies and outings? Allow other guys to meet you naturally and spontaneously? Rather than having subject matter completely crowded with relationship issues do natural things, meet people whom you discuss natural things with, i.e. mountain climbing, movies, restaurants. Sometimes too much familiarity too soon can kill good things? Try and keep things relaxed and at arms length, do things you can have fun with for yourself or with a group of friends. Guys have to see you are having a life of your own, rather than focussing on theirs too much. In fact, guys are much more attracted to women who have less time for them than they have for the women.
iyepes
What did I want from him? I wanted care and affection, and I was receiving that, until everything vanishes.

Maybe he found out himself in the border of another mess, and stayed away. The part I don't understand is, we had a running away rule, if you think you should run away from a person or situation which is causing damage to you, you have the right to do it. But he always denied he was using his running away right. Maybe disappearing is not exactly running, I don't know.

That part about a man likes more a woman who doesn't have as much as time for him as he has, it's interesting, yes, free time is so good to make up rare ideas in you mind. It's good to be busy.

Good points of view, and clearly, I also need to stay off from relathionships for a while, It's necessary to me.

Yes, I'm opening my life, I'm doing things on my own with my friends. That's what I need to remain balanced.
Parkour_Jarrod
Okay what i think is happening is he has REALLY fallen deeply in love with you and hes trying to limit time with you liek you did him to get over that so that it is just a friendship and its hard with you constantly calling ect ect because you keep giving him reasons to think about you,

dont call for a week then call, see what happens
Bluedoll
You said you were looking for different perspectives so here is one. It may not be the right one however but you can certainly discard it or any others if you think, no this is not me or my situation.

It is my opinion that we all need to stop putting blame on anything or anyone when things to not go as expected or the way we want them too. Especially do not blame yourself for making a relationship steer in another direction. Sometimes things work out for the best.

Clearly you both need time to sort out some things. He said that to you and maybe he meant it. Time has a way of healing and maybe he needs to not start a new relationship right away and you need to . . . well that is for you to decide.

Having said that love sometimes will not follow our plans as we make them so you know as well as anyone, we must follow our heart as well as mind.

I think you are doing the right thing. You tried to help someone else in this world online. You spent time with someone because you wanted to see if your feelings were real for him. You expressed what you would like to see in a relationship and now you are living your life the best way you can. What is wrong with that? Nothing.

You need the points but you are also writing a wonderful story. Please continue.
Williamsshek
I am William,15 yrs old. I love my mom and dad much. For the past few months I could feel a bad symptom in their relationship. I am afraid of their being divorced. If you are a child of a divorced mom or dad can you please tell me without hesitation why did your parents get divorced?
deanhills
Williamsshek wrote:
I am William,15 yrs old. I love my mom and dad much. For the past few months I could feel a bad symptom in their relationship. I am afraid of their being divorced. If you are a child of a divorced mom or dad can you please tell me without hesitation why did your parents get divorced?


I think you need to talk to someone who is professional. They have professional psychologists who specialize in children with divorced parents. If you want to find out where they are, perhaps you can find an e-mail address of an organization in your area, and write to them in an anonymous capacity? You need to talk to someone who knows about this situation, not only in an experienced way, but how to deal with it for you.
iyepes
Hi William, I totally agree with deanhills, you should look for support from an specialized person. We can be all well intentioned, but we can't help you farther to understand or cope the situation.

Parents split for many reasons, that one as a child can't understand. But please keep in mind that anything of their issues are related to you as a child, please be careful about blaming yourself. (I'm writing this because of the name of this topic, about ruining up your relationships. I hope so you aren't thinking this is your case, because you are not).
iyepes
When I read the Parkour_Jarrod reply, I found out something, I really wanted that was the case, maybe I wasn't aware about my own desire, but, it's just a desire, my mind tells me we are not the indicate ones for each other, and the evidence shows me that he wants to stay off from me, which is not exactly consistent with falling in love.

Sometimes I think he just came back with his former girl friend, and he doesn't want to tell me so.

Not calling for a week, indeed I'm doing it now, just two days in a row, then they'll be seven. I'm afraid he won't call me anymore. He haven't been available online during the last weeks, he said it's because of lack of time, I don't believe that, but I have no other information. Maybe I should just let the things go farther by themselves.

Bluedoll pointed out something indirectly, sometimes I'm so rigid and intolerant with myself. I'm doing the best I can, I'm doing my things to improve it, so I should be more compassionate with me myself.
Parkour_Jarrod
Well I'm glad i could help, i could sort of relate to this same scenario, my girlfriend is always claiming she is busy and cant talk or go out together but I'm not 100% sure that's the case. So when i read your story i saw finally how it is just my own paranoia and then thought of my own solution then, which could be your solution, so i posted it. Now we are both not calling someone for a week Wink good luck, i know I'll need it
iyepes
First to add, this time it wasn't me ruining up my relationships, the thing had nothing to do with me.....he is dating someone else.

I found out in a silly way, if I would have planned this, it weren't so easy. I had a second Facebook profile with no photo and another name and I wanted to see the way his profile was looking from other profile than mine. Accidentally y pressed friend request, that was last sunday.

I login yesterday and found out he accepted the request, then I put a photo (not mine) in the profile and said, sorry, I thought you were an old friend of mine, but now I see your picture I realize you aren't. He answered me don't worry, I'm not your old friend but I could be your new one.

Surprise number one, he answer anyone on the internet without a profile photo.

I followed the thing, and loaded more pictures to make the profile believable, and continued the message interchange, we chatted about normal things, I made up a personality different than me.

Then I asked him, if he had a girlfriend, and he answered yes. I was shocked, he was definitelly not talking about me, because we never started a formal relationship. Today I will ask how long the've been together, to find out if she is his former girlfriend or a new one.

Now I have the whole framework, I can understand his behavior, his absence, his not answering the phone. The only question is, why if everything was so open, why did he never tell me honestly, he was dating someone else?

Parkour_Jarrod, I hope this is not your case.

My birthday party is in few days, before knowing this (I broke the 7 days rule) I called him to invite to it, now I don't know if I should uninvite him, or I'll just expect he won't show up.
deanhills
Phone him and tell him the party has been cancelled. Then have the party anyway and have a wonderful time. If he hears about it, then that would be the best thing that can happen to him to even him out. I sometimes wonder why we bother so much with people who obviously are not worth a minute of our time? And the more they treat us badly, the more into them we are, especially with analyzing all their motives, and investigating the truth all the time? Who cares whether and whom he is dating right now, you know what he is doing, so let him go? The more you are checking up on the Internet, the greater the attachment to issues with him will grow and the more difficult it will become for you to detach yourself from the attachments.
iyepes
I found out he is dating someone new since a month ago. He told to a total stranger on facebook and not to me. I don't need to know anymore. Next Thursday I'll make up something to avoid contact from my other profile.

I will act normal up to my birthday, if he is as predictable as he seems to be, he won't call me that day. After that I will sent him a good-bye e-mail and asking him not to come to my party. That's it. I won't mention I already know about the other person, I don't need to, what he has done is enough to say good-bye.

It's hard, my heart is aching, but this has to have an end.
ssthanapati
iyepes wrote:
I found out he is dating someone new since a month ago. He told to a total stranger on facebook and not to me. I don't need to know anymore. Next Thursday I'll make up something to avoid contact from my other profile.

I will act normal up to my birthday, if he is as predictable as he seems to be, he won't call me that day. After that I will sent him a good-bye e-mail and asking him not to come to my party. That's it. I won't mention I already know about the other person, I don't need to, what he has done is enough to say good-bye.

It's hard, my heart is aching, but this has to have an end.


Well u wanted to be his friend right... maybe its not something he wanted... maybe he wanted something physical. U never know. U cant force something on a person regarding things u would want them to be like. He too has his choices and decisions. And he chose to be away from u....

Sending him good bye mails and telling him that he is not invited is childish... It seems u cant get over him and u love him... But sometimes it is better to let go of persons than to cling onto them and get hurt more... If u really want to stay out of touch just ignore him... He will get the message... like he sent the message across to u.
iyepes
Well, I removed him form msn, gtalk, facebook and uninvited him by facebook to my party (he assured me before he haven't seen the facebook invitation, but that was another lie).

After that, and as expected, he didn't call me on my birthday. I regret I called him the day before my birthday party, and he didn't answer as usual. I left a message, I told I already know about his new girlfriend, that I've preffered he telling me. That I still want to be in touch with him as friends, but his lack of contact showed me that the answer to that question was no.

Obviously he didn't show up at my party.

Last Thursday I left a message about a hiring process I am, which he used to ask about. No answer back.

Yesterday I tried to added him as a friend in facebook again. And he refused it asap.

Removing him from facebook and uninviting him to my party were a good pair of excuses to do somenthing he had already planned, not to talk me anymore.

I still can't believe that the same person who used to deal me so kindly, now acts with hatred towards me. It's over, It's hard to me to understand it, but it's totally over.

This time it didn't depend on me, he choose someone else, and get tired of me, but instead of telling me the truth, he just refused contact. That was so painful, I felt hurt and lied.

That's the end of the story, I won't know about him anymore, my fake profile send him an excuse to not contact anymore. I don't need to be in touch in that false way.

Is atonishing, but he can still be the same kind person he used to be, but no with me anymore.

I think this is the first relationship (friendship is also a relationship) that someone ends with me not telling a word, just cut all kind of contact.
RubySlasher
I'm not saying that you're at fault (that guy sounds like he was a toad), but I think maybe you were too clingy. (Having to call each other once a day while not being boyfriend and girlfriend is extreme.)

I think he kept silent about his girlfriend because he was worried about upsetting you, because he was either using you as emotional support or trying to be a support for you, but he ran out of stamina and interest.

I'm not sure what exact kind of relationship you wanted from him, but it sounds like you wanted platonic love and he wanted physical. That can cause a lot of strain on a relationship, too.

I hope you find a better, special person.
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