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Story (One Cold Winter)





vc5123
One cold Winter

Patent leather boots crushing the falling autumn leaves. Whistling winds sends shivers up his spine, and makes his blood run cold.
(What's wrong with me?) He wonders.
The black of the night sky seems somewhat ominous to him. Today is just like any other day: work ends, the train takes an age to get to the stop, traffic almost grinds to
a halt, making him walk back. Ryan is late home again, his wife is going to kill him when he gets back.
If i get back...
He takes a quick look at his Ipod. The screen turns black...

A scream pierces through the silence, Ryan tears the headphones from his ears. His eyes flash back and forth, searching for the source of the scream. Complete and
utter silence.

Ryan carries on walking, although now at a faster pace. The silence is deafening. Almost involuntarily he calls out,
“Hello?” The lack of response made it worse. He suddenly notices that he had been holding his breath. The release is exactly what he needs.
Just breathe in and out, in and out, it’s going to be fine... Isn’t it?

He picks up the pace, becoming even faster now, jogging. Glancing back, seeing a shape running towards him. Sweat streams down his face. Ryan breaks into a sprint.
Heart pounding in his chest, out of the park he dashed. Looking back, he saw the shape getting ever closer. Ryan was running blindly now.
Almost away now!

The booming sound of a car horn explodes his eardrums. And, as quickly as that, a life was snuffed out.
bonestorm74
Yikes, pretty dark little story there.
prithvi
hmm, quite creepy incident.

Please build the storyline........this one was getting quite interesting.
jsarnold
Interesting, dark & brief - yes.

May I offer some critical advice?

Check your use of tense. Your tense tends to wander a little, from present continuous to present perfect, with a little present tense added too!

As far as the plot is concerned - you leave the reader feeling a little conned, for two reasons. Firstly, you never explain what the scream was about - who was it, and why? There seems little point including it since it is never resolved. Secondly, you don't explain as a storyteller how you know what Ryan was doing, since he gets killed at the end, and was alone, nobody could have known what he was doing or thinking. I generally don't approve of the god storyteller - but that's just my personal preference.

I hope you don't mind me offering this advice - I do so to help, not to put you off!
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